Wednesday, November 17, 2010
OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD I fucking binged. Let me tell you all what happened. I can't let myself get away with this.
The 500 went great. I ate it all within 2 hours and I was full. I was glad that I got to start my 24 hour fast earlier. 4 hours later I'm hungry. My stomach was expecting more gross calories from me but I said HELL NO. Problem solved.
Another 4 hours later I'm still hungry. I tell myself "Ok, go eat ONE 10 calorie JELL-O and a pickle and you'll be fine. I wasn't fine. I ate 300 calories. I was legit full but that wasn't enough for me. All I could think about how I wanted to have more.
So I reached 1000 for the day and I told myself "For the love of God just STOP!". And I did. I exercised. I chugged 2L of water. An hour passed. Then I made the HUGE mistake of checking my weight. It said 105.8. I went ballistic and I could feel myself spiralling down in despair at what I had done. So of course I ate more.
An estimated 500 calories more making my daily total a fucking 1500.
I hate myself so much and I am very very ashamed to admit that I tried making myself vomit around 5 times. I was not successful any of those times for which I am both relieved and slightly regretful of but mostly relieved. At the time though all I could think was that I HAD to get all this shit out of my body.
As I was reaching for the food I spoke out loud to myself and just kept repeating "fatty fatty fatty fatty". While I was eating I kept groping my body, my stomach my hip bones the gap between my thighs. I knew I was getting fatter.
FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT. I feel like I'm spilling out of everything. I keep looking in the mirror to confirm the disastrous results of my catastrophic behavior.
You know what, it's pretty common sense that starving yourself will eventually kill you but I say that from my personal experience, I never feel so close to wanting to physically hurt (KILL) myself except for when I eat like this.
I wanted somebody to stop me. I wanted to go to my best friend in the next room and cry and tell her about the horrible thing I just did and have her say something that wouldn't be "I'm glad that you ate". WHY DIDN'T I STOP!!
I could have stopped. I was perfectly capable of stopping. But I didn't. I'm so sick of it. I was TWO lbs away from my low weight!
I know what happened. I'm simply not good enough to reach 100 lbs. I'm too weak, too fat, too much of EVERYTHING. That's what's wrong with me.
I am too much. I am reaching overcapacity.
I am going to die if I keep going on like this.
I don't mean that my heart will stop beating.
That's just what it feels like.
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awww ... yeah binges come and bite you when you least expect it. they totally suck.
ReplyDelete" You know what, it's pretty common sense that starving yourself will eventually kill you but I say that from my personal experience, I never feel so close to wanting to physically hurt (KILL) myself except for when I eat like this. "
I agree 100%.
but. you will get through this. you will make a better tommorrow. I wish we all lived in a dream where we could be whatever we wanted. We would all be thin forever <3.
Oh my poor thing, don't hate yourself, it happens to everyone.
ReplyDeleteIt's over, and there are some positives here I swear; you only ate 1500 total (which I know we think is bad, but in reality you could have had 8000 which would have been catastrophic!) AND you exercised so you will have burned some of that.
Plus you drank 2 litres of water, I hope you know that's why it wasn't good to weigh yourself straight after drinking so much! I'm sure once that's 'gone' you won't be 105.
We must see these binges as what they are - yes, often related to emotional problems, but really, it's our bodies rebelling against the lack of food.
There are ways to prevent binges and we'll get there love, don't fret, we'll GET THERE.
Today you should eat. Please don't starve, because that will make it worse - our bodies are very good at fighting back :(
I love you, and please, I know it's hard, but Today Will Be BETTER.
xxx
Oh hun, I know it seems like a disaster, but 1500 is probably only slightly over your bmr, and with exercise, I wouldn't be surprise if you still LOST fat yesterday! You just weighed more because of the physical weight of the food and water in your stomach. Don't worry girl, today will indeed be better, and yesterday will NOT negatively affect you in the long run.
ReplyDeleteLook at the positive! Sometimes I accidentally binge and it turns out to be just what my metabolism needed, and I lose a lot afterwards! I bet you kicked your metabolism into gear, and didn't do any real long-term damage. You will be OK hun!