Friday, November 19, 2010

Day 12


Guess my weight.

Pleaseeee guess it!

Nope too slow.


Ok I'm calm now.

...And yes, I confess that I am still feeling the Adderall. I cannot tell you why for the life of me! However I have to say, it is one of the weirdest and most pleasurable things ever to hear your stomach grumble BUT not feel even the slightest bit hungry. AND I hardly thought about food for over a day now!

I ALWAYS think about food.

Yet I didn't for all of yesterday and even now the idea of food doesn't appeal to me. In fact, all this extra room in my head means that I was able to *GASP!* pay attention in class for the first time in what seems like forever!

I'm glad I regained my attention span in the class that I did because my professor talked about ED's a little which I thought was pretty funny considering it was a Psychology and Religion course... Anyway we were going over a "Mandala" which looks like a wheel made up of 6 part's.

One of the part's was called "Hungry Ghost" which represents unfulfilled desires from the past, addictions (like drugs) and bulimia. I thought it was oddly fitting. It's all about trying to fill yourself up even though it's *never* enough and how these behaviors are an attempt to make up for all the needs that your parents didn't acknowledge or ignored when you were younger. So basically you're trying to make up for all these needs now that you're an adult but you'll never be able to no matter how hard you try because they can only be satisfied within particular childhood stage's.

How unfair right?

Anorexia, on the other hand, is associated with the "Animal" part of this wheel which also represents sex, hunger and stupidity (basically the Id). I remember thinking "What the heck is anorexia doing in here??" Well according to my professor, anorexia denies all of these primal instincts and cravings and thus it becomes the destruction of the self. It makes so much sense that anorexia, the ultimate resistance against our most basic biological needs is nevertheless placed in the same category as these other seemingly contradictory traits because honestly, isn't the "pinnacle" of anorexia eventually death?

It's something to think about.

I just wanted to share this with you all, I hope no one is offended! :0 I wish there was an ED-NOS one though haha.

Oh yes, as for my eating plan today... I don't know. I'm scared to eat! But I have to! If I don't eat then that would be fasting which means that the fast has to end *sometime* and then I think we all know what pops up RIGHT at that moment!

Yes! You got it!

ThE bInGe MoNsTeR!!!

I know I'm lame, no need to remind me :)

Sigh what to do, what to do.


I honestly haven't been hungry at all but I *did* feel really weak so I made myself eat a peach (38 cal). And OH. MY. GOD. My stomach hurts like hell and I feel really nauseous. I'm covering my mouth right now in the hopes that it will somehow keep me from throwing up. What is wrong with meee ;_;


  1. one hundred point four! ONE HUNDRED POINT FOUR!!


    YOU'RE THE BEST!!! I can't believe how close you are! Omg, (insert me squealing your real name excitedly) you are going to do it!!!

    You = amazing.


  2. First off, reading your last post made me feel like I was high on Adderal with you haha. It's so wierd how it translated to your writing but it was so cool.
    Anyway, I wouldn't eat if you're not hungry or atleast slowly eat. Like having the peach was a good thing. Then maybe you can have a handful of something just to snack on mindlessly.
    I don't know, just a thought:)
    And holy shit 100.4! You go girl, we all knew you could do it!! Congratafuckinglations!!
    XO Minnie

  3. sometimes, when I'm really low on calories, and then I try eating something, even a little something, I get all nauseous and grossed out by the food. I don't even know why...But I feel ya, darling!

    And holy crap. 100.4.
    CONGRATS! My GOD, you're almost at 100, omg, omg, omg. Push, girl, keep it up, I am rooting for you!

  4. omg your so close to your goal!!! i know you'll make it i believe in you :p

    Note: there is NOTHING wrong with you .. you have achieved something after going for it for so long :) very proud of you.

  6. Ah. I want to take adderol so badly. I barely have any left though and I don't know where to get more.

  7. Just a new follower wanting to say "hi." Love your blog. Congrats, 100.4, that is amazing! Your class is so interesting, thanks for sharing those facts, I'm sort of a psych nerd so I love learning about inner conflicts and other things like that. :)

  8. Great job reaching 100.4! I just got finished reading all of your blog archives. I am glad someone else does that, too! Sometimes I feel like I am silly for doing it when I come across a new blog, but I like getting to know the person from the beginning. I hope things are going well so far this weekend, and stay strong! xoxo


    In case you hadn't noticed. =P

    Really interesting to think about, that shizz, aye =] <3