Day 12

Guess.

Guess my weight.

Pleaseeee guess it!

Nope too slow.

I'M 100.4 LBS BABY YEAAAAAH!

Ok I'm calm now.

...And yes, I confess that I am still feeling the Adderall. I cannot tell you why for the life of me! However I have to say, it is one of the weirdest and most pleasurable things ever to hear your stomach grumble BUT not feel even the slightest bit hungry. AND I hardly thought about food for over a day now!

I ALWAYS think about food.

Yet I didn't for all of yesterday and even now the idea of food doesn't appeal to me. In fact, all this extra room in my head means that I was able to *GASP!* pay attention in class for the first time in what seems like forever!

I'm glad I regained my attention span in the class that I did because my professor talked about ED's a little which I thought was pretty funny considering it was a Psychology and Religion course... Anyway we were going over a "Mandala" which looks like a wheel made up of 6 part's.

One of the part's was called "Hungry Ghost" which represents unfulfilled desires from the past, addictions (like drugs) and bulimia. I thought it was oddly fitting. It's all about trying to fill yourself up even though it's *never* enough and how these behaviors are an attempt to make up for all the needs that your parents didn't acknowledge or ignored when you were younger. So basically you're trying to make up for all these needs now that you're an adult but you'll never be able to no matter how hard you try because they can only be satisfied within particular childhood stage's.

How unfair right?

Anorexia, on the other hand, is associated with the "Animal" part of this wheel which also represents sex, hunger and stupidity (basically the Id). I remember thinking "What the heck is anorexia doing in here??" Well according to my professor, anorexia denies all of these primal instincts and cravings and thus it becomes the destruction of the self. It makes so much sense that anorexia, the ultimate resistance against our most basic biological needs is nevertheless placed in the same category as these other seemingly contradictory traits because honestly, isn't the "pinnacle" of anorexia eventually death?

It's something to think about.

I just wanted to share this with you all, I hope no one is offended! :0 I wish there was an ED-NOS one though haha.

Oh yes, as for my eating plan today... I don't know. I'm scared to eat! But I have to! If I don't eat then that would be fasting which means that the fast has to end *sometime* and then I think we all know what pops up RIGHT at that moment!

Yes! You got it!

ThE bInGe MoNsTeR!!!

I know I'm lame, no need to remind me :)

Sigh what to do, what to do.

***Edit:

I honestly haven't been hungry at all but I *did* feel really weak so I made myself eat a peach (38 cal). And OH. MY. GOD. My stomach hurts like hell and I feel really nauseous. I'm covering my mouth right now in the hopes that it will somehow keep me from throwing up. What is wrong with meee ;_;