Monday, November 1, 2010
I cannot even fully describe the anxiety and self-hatred I felt after I ate "normally" today. I was so angry that I ate and was disgustingly full and I hate that I bought a 2nd slice of pizza because I thought I would want it but I didn't and I ate it anyway and I bought that package of Milano's that I didn't plan on getting and ate that too plus half of a 20oz bottle of Mountain Dew when I should have drank water instead!
I'm such a pig.
I wanted to purge.
Probably the only thing that stopped me was the fact that I was at school and it would have been *very* public.
Is this how everyone else eats?? Or did I eat even more than what's considered normal? I can't even freaking tell anymore!! I feel DISGUSTING. And sick. I don't feel satiated. My craving for pizza is long gone, just the idea of it is absolutely REPULSIVE and I can't believe I even wanted to eat it in the first place!
I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS
But I hate myself for being weak more than anything else.
Starting the water fast today Monday 6pm rather than at midnight because I NEEDNEEDNEED my control back.
Nowadays I'm only one of two things: starving or bloated. I hate the feeling of both! But at least the feeling of constant hunger means that I'm being PRODUCTIVE and actually GETTING SOMEWHERE.
I covered my mouth for the entire hour and 15 minutes of class because I knew that if I didn't I would throw everything back up right then and there.
This is why I don't deserve to eat.
Posted by not.quite.ana at 5:22 PM