Monday, November 1, 2010
I cannot even fully describe the anxiety and self-hatred I felt after I ate "normally" today. I was so angry that I ate and was disgustingly full and I hate that I bought a 2nd slice of pizza because I thought I would want it but I didn't and I ate it anyway and I bought that package of Milano's that I didn't plan on getting and ate that too plus half of a 20oz bottle of Mountain Dew when I should have drank water instead!
I'm such a pig.
I wanted to purge.
Probably the only thing that stopped me was the fact that I was at school and it would have been *very* public.
Is this how everyone else eats?? Or did I eat even more than what's considered normal? I can't even freaking tell anymore!! I feel DISGUSTING. And sick. I don't feel satiated. My craving for pizza is long gone, just the idea of it is absolutely REPULSIVE and I can't believe I even wanted to eat it in the first place!
I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS
But I hate myself for being weak more than anything else.
Starting the water fast today Monday 6pm rather than at midnight because I NEEDNEEDNEED my control back.
Nowadays I'm only one of two things: starving or bloated. I hate the feeling of both! But at least the feeling of constant hunger means that I'm being PRODUCTIVE and actually GETTING SOMEWHERE.
I covered my mouth for the entire hour and 15 minutes of class because I knew that if I didn't I would throw everything back up right then and there.
This is why I don't deserve to eat.
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Oh love :( *hugs* I am so sorry. Things will look up, I know it. From experience. You're beautiful no matter what <3 Good luck with the fast and thanks for all your lovely comments.
ReplyDeleteYeah, that's a little more than normal. The issue a lot of girls have is not being able to be around food without figuring you should eat it. I know I have that... No worries. We'll support you through regaining your control. Best of lucck tomorrow! xx
ReplyDeleteOh hun, I had the exact same thing. I was so good until I got home from work and then KABOOM.
ReplyDeleteTomorrow is going to be amazing though.
Love you! xx
Oh my God, that happens all the time to me. It sucks. Don't you feel, at the same time, stupid for buying all that crap you knew you didn't want or need? It's like when you get a test back and all your mistakes were stupid, things that you knew and were just careless. I used to have a major problem, buying food I didn't want but ate anyway. It'll get better. I promise, girly. Stay strong.
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