Warning: Another ramble-y Adderall post, read at your own risk or just skip to "Day 15" down below :)

Sooo I'm on Adderall again. What's new. Well this time I cut the pill in half because damn, the side effects lasted for a REALLY long time and I probably felt worse (at least physically) then I did better. Hopefully this will be easier on my body although I took it a few hours after having the 500 calories while last time I took it on a *very* full stomach.

Eh. We'll see how it goes.

Anyway this time I took it because I am such a huge procrastinator and I CANNOT finish this stupid paper so I can start studying for Orgo. I finally gave up on trying to not take another pill

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Lol I had to do a #2 RIGHT as I was writing that sentence. Tmi but I think if you've read my past posts then this is to be expected by now :) And to continue with that sentence, I really didn't want to take another one (I don't want to get addicted, I shouldn't rely on a pill etc etc) but omg for all of yesterday and today I've been incredibly lethargic and sleepy. I have no idea why, especially since I slept like 11 hours last night too. PLUS I took like an hour nap in the middle of the day.

I "perked up" after taking the Adderall which is good... Except that as you can see, I can't seem to focus this energy into doing work -___- Sigh, this pill is always a hit or miss, I never know what I'm in for when I'm on it!

Oh so I'd like to get all of your opinion's on something. Basically, I finished the 500 calories at precisely 4:00 PM and it was my intention from then on to do a 24 hour water fast. However, I'm a total weirdo and I can't take pills with water and I usually have to put them in foods that I can swallow without chewing. Thus, I put the half pill in one raspberry at about 7:30 PM. Should I consider this point to be the start of the fast? Or should I still use 4:00 as the start?

Even though I know there are hardly any calories in only one raspberry and that a few hours difference doesn't *actually* matter, I can't help but to obsess over these technicalities. Hmmmm.

I'm being bad. Sorry to waste your time on yet another very pointless ramble. I'm promising right now, I will NOT write on this blog until I AT LEAST finish my paper. So there.

Brb :)

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I know I said I wouldn't come back here until I finished my paper but I Did Something Bad.

I ate a cookie.

Surprisingly, I don't feel as bad about it as I thought I would. This probably has to do with the fact that:

1. I didn't actually have 500 calories today, maybe around 450? I don't know how many calories the cookie was and I probably went over 500 after eating it but it couldn't have been by much.
2. I weighed myself before I ate the cookie (101.4) and I weighed myself after I ate the cookie and guess what? I was still 101.4 which was a HUGE relief.
3. My stomach was already aching from the Adderall and eating the cookie made me feel better. (<--Wow I sound like such a wuss)

Overall, a pretty win-win situation :) I suppose my dilemma from earlier is irrelevant now. Haha I just realized I haven't had a cookie in a pretty long ass time. My cookie craving is gone too whee! Oh and I know 101.4 lbs is pretty damn high but I have full confidence I'll be back in the 100's tomorrow when I actually post this :) Woah, I'm totally not used to being this optimistic!

Ok ok back to my paper ><

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Fuckkk alright I ate two more cookies. I'm still 101.4 but AGH I JUST ATE FAT!

However I've realized that the Adderall is kind of like a laxative - it can't be a coincidence that I had a poo not long after taking it and I went again after consuming the 2nd cookie. Granted, not much came out (tmi warning: oops too late ahaha...) but still. Pretty cool.

Ugh of course my stomach feels like hell again though.

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It's very disconcerting to realize that there isn't anything that makes me happy anymore. I can remember what used to - shopping was a big one, clubbing, watching TV shows and movies, *doing* stuff with my friends and of course eating... Now I can't go shopping because I'm always thinking about how I look awful in anything I try on, I rarely have the energy to dance the night away in very hot and crowded clubs, I only watch my shows as a distraction from food, I hardly go out anymore let alone meet up with many friends and I don't even have to explain the last one.

I was feeling depressed and stressed out so I thought, "I should do something to cheer myself up!" and I couldn't think of one damn thing. All I feel is cranky and tired and I'm absolutely dreading my upcoming test.

This is why I honestly believe that sometimes, all I really have is myself and my fat and that when I get rid of the latter I'll finally have *myself* again if that makes sense.

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It is incredibly weird to remember that when I started this blog I wrote that my UGW was to reach 101. Now that I've surpassed that I'm surprised to think that I would be satisfied with myself at this weight. I mean, I *am* thinner but not really?? It makes me wonder how I'll feel at 95...

Day15

YAY OMG 100.2 lbs!! This is my weight 14 hours into the water fast so we'll see if I can drop to the double digits by tomorrow! Crossing my fingers!!!

If you chose not to read the above spiel (I certainly wouldn't blame you) then I should let you know that I (*wince*) ate not one, but THREE cookies in addition to the 500 :0 That's plain unacceptable but I'm incredibly thankful that they didn't make me gain AND I didn't binge (although this is likely because of the Adderall...)! I'm relieved :)

Now for an analysis of my weight - I am undecided as to whether I should hope that I have gotten out of the plateau and my weight will keep dropping OR that this 100.2 is simply within this stubborn range that my body refuses to get out of... <--This is the kind of stuff I think about all day until I get the chance to weigh myself again lol.

I want 99!! If I could get it before Thanksgiving... It would be too good to be true >< Even if I do reach 99 I *know* I won't be able to maintain it while I'm home which is going to make it so much worse when I come back and I have to do this ALL freaking over again.

I've realized that it took me an entire week to reverse my horrible weight gain from the last time I went home and frankly, I don't have the TIME to devote an entire extra week to getting to the same weight that I had already reached before. I wish I didn't have to go home!

I've been really bad about responding to comments, I promise I will soon!! Thank you all again for taking the time to read this... Um... Totally interesting blog haha.

***Edit:
AHHHH I'M 100.0 LBS!!! This is after doing another poo (I swear I don't know how or where all this excrement is coming from, I usually never go so many times in a week let alone within 24 hours but I'M SO HAPPY THAT I AM) which means... Perhaps I have surpassed the plateau?? I'm hoping that's the case!