Thursday, November 18, 2010

Day 11

Wonderful way for me to start off the 2nd 10 day stretch of my 50 day marathon. Right after I wrote that blog post I took an Adderall. I only had one left and I was trying to save it for either 1) when I wanted to do a super long fast or 2) for finals. I didn't take it for either of those purposes which is another reason to be pissed at myself for.

I just wanted to not feel or be hungry. I'M SICK OF FOOD.

Not sure what to do from here on out. I know I'm fasting today (this is a given) but right when I was going to follow my first instinct and buckle down for another 3 day fast (potentially 4) there was *one* thing that stopped me.

I currently weigh 101.8 lbs.

Crazy right? Let me explain. I've done a poo three times since my binge about 12 hours ago (yes tmi but i can't leave it out!) plus I literally peed like 15 times.

In conclusion, it is all water weight. I'm still fuzzy on whether all the waste excrement was a reaction to the Adderall or the binge. Maybe a combination of both.

Anyway BECAUSE it's water weight that means that the first thing I eat is going to make me gain. That makes me very sad :(

For now I'll just do the other 12 hours without food and see how I feel from there (and hopefully lose *actual* weight). I only have one thing that I need to concentrate on:


100 is all the matters.





***WARNING: Very long ramble, read at the risk of intense boredom and with the assurance that I am indeed insane :) I wrote this part a little after taking the Adderall and basically kept coming back to it all night!

I feel amazing when I'm on Adderall. Sure, I get dry mouth, I can't sleep, my heart starts beating faster and my stomach feels like there's a rock in there but I have SO much energy which I never have nowadays. I'm usually so tired that doing anything but laying around seems to take tremendous effort.

But of course the biggest side effect of Adderall that I love is the loss of appetite. Even when the hyperactivity that I experience wanes after maybe 6 hours I don't feel hungry for ages.

I get Adderall from my roommate/best friend. She only uses it when she really needs to study so she doesn't mind giving me one once in awhile when I tell her I need one too. I never want to ruin her trust and as of today I have only ever taken one when I had a major test or paper coming up. I've only taken it maybe 5 times in my life because I know that it can be very addicting.

However, this time my desire to be empty is overpowering my guilt for misusing this pill. I hate asking for another one but I think I might, especially since she knows I have another huge Organic Chemistry test on Tuesday. What do you all think? Am I being a selfish self-centered bitch for using my best friend like that?

The answer is yes.

I feel PATHETIC for resorting to Adderall to help me to not eat. I don't know about anyone else but I feel incredibly accomplished when I reach my fasting/restricting goals all on my own power, no pills no drugs no laxatives no purging no anything except my own will and determination.

Hahaha I'm rambling even more than usual too. I think I'm going to fast.

4 days.

Until after midnight Sunday I will not have a single bite of food.

I think this time I should try something besides a water fast though.

This is what I think:

Today - Water only
Friday - Water and Alcohol only (My roommates want to drink and frankly I need to get fucked up. I'm planning on drinking until I throw up. I'm a serious lightweight so it'll be quick. Whoo.)
Saturday - Water and Juice only
Sunday - Water and Liquids only

What do you all think? I love reading your comments, I hate that I can never seem to respond as well as I like to all of them.

Just to let you all know I'm not planning on doing this fasting plan anymore but I kept it on here in order to preserve my feelings at that moment :)

Btw, if you would like me to follow/read/comment on your own blog please let me know! I try to find them but I'm pretty sure I've missed more than a few. Also I should let you girls know that I *always* need to read through an entire blog's archive before I start commenting on the more current posts so don't freak out if you don't see any activity from me ok? :)

I love you all so much. What would I do without the online community.

It's lonely out here in the "real world". I used to be such a different person. Always partying, drinking, going to clubs, flirting with guys, staying up till dawn and sleeping the day away. It's not that I miss that person really, because my school work definitely suffered, but I've become much more withdrawn from everyone around me.

Still, I feel like I can't present myself to the world until I'm skinny.


I want it BAD.

I watched America's Next Top Model with my guy roomie last night after my awful awful binge. It's strange but it calmed me down. I chugged another liter of water and just watching these beautiful thin girls made me think "I'm going to be skinnier then they are".

I want to be proud of myself and my body. I'm a fuckup in everything else. If I can master my body and overcome my pervading instincts to eat all day long then I know that anything else I pursue in my life is possible.


The least I can do is make it as perfect as possible no?

Sorry for the ramble, all my thoughts race through my head when I'm on Adderall.

And as a note: I know that I shouldn't take it when I don't have ADHD (although I suspect that I have a very mild case of it) and I DEFINITELY DO NOT encourage anyone else to take it unless they need to for medical purposes.

Yes. I'm a hypocrite. But I really don't want to influence anyone else with my bad behavior. I hope I haven't :( I care about every one of you, it would *kill* me to know that something I wrote turned out to ruin someone else!

I'm even more of a hypocrite for wishing that all of you could be happy with yourselves just the way you are. Of course I support every single one of you with all of my heart but it hurts me that there are many many others girls (and guys) out there who are in pain.

I know for a fact that I do not have it bad at all. I often feel silly for making my everyday pointless little eating and mental cases appear to be such a big deal when I know that they are not. However I also know that most if not all of you are hurting more than I am and considering how much I just hate myself sometimes... I don't know what I'm trying to say, I only know that I wish I wish I WISH happiness for all of you.

I wish I could give hugs in person and be there to hold your hands when things go wrong :0

Well, I've finally found out the formula for how much I'm burning with my calisthenics. Here's an example for squats:

(0.096 x weight) x (# of minutes) = calories burned

Keep in mind that 0.096 is used ONLY for squats. Therefore at my weight of 101.8 lbs, doing 100 squats in 2 minutes = approximately 19.6 calories. If I do 500 squats in 10 minutes then I will have burned approximately 97.7 calories. This is what I'm going to aim for!

I haven't been able to find the # for crunches and leg lifts (these seem to have more varying answers) so if anyone finds them let me know :)

Oh and this is a bit of a strange request but I would GREATLY appreciate it if anyone could point out any grammatical/spelling errors? I have such a problem with grammar, whenever I reread my post's I always think that they never sound exactly right or that I could have worded it better. Anyway, don't hesitate to correct me on anything! I had also hoped that I could improve my writing through this blog (although I know that this particular post was not a good way to do that lol).

Ahhh ok and NOW I remember why I hesitate to take Adderall except for emergencies, coming down from the "high" makes me feel sick sigh. I keep forgetting that after the main effects pass the "loss of appetite" is usually the result of stomach pains >_> Well, it really isn't too bad and I feel a little more aware now haha.

It's decided. I'm not going to ask my roommate for another pill! It's my own fault for using the only one I had for non-studying purposes (actually I did manage to read a book and write a paper) but still! I need to be more responsible. Adderall will not be always be there for me when I'm desperate to end a binge and feeling all sorry for myself. Nosiree.

I'm weak. A weak pathetic silly little being really. But I'm going to lose weight my own way. I won't get any satisfaction from reaching my UGW with any external help!

Just me and my fat.

Fight to the death I say!





It's a beautiful number.


  1. Haha, what a long and adderall-ish sounding post! I get the same way on the stuff :) And don't feel too bad. People do favors for one another. Think of the adderall like ibuprofen or something, she has plenty of it, and you desire it, and she is happy to give you some- no big deal! And lucky for you, I really love the stuff. Which is a problem because it is so addictive.
    And it sounds like your binge may have been just what you needed! And I think your fast-plan sounds good, I always support a good ole juice fast, but be careful with the alcohol on an empty stomach, OK? Seriously, take it slow. Good job hun, and you aren't far from your goal weight at all!

  2. mmm speaking of grammar errors... I meant "lucky for you! I'm jealous, I really love the stuff.
    ... it isn't lucky for you that I love the stuff. That really doesn't affect you at all...

  3. Lol...Oh my gosh. I love you girl. That was the best ramble ever. I really did enjoy it. I'm sorry for the pains of coming off of Adderal. I've never taken it before, been tempted, but never have the means of getting any anyways. I completely understand what you mean by wanting to do this by yourself. It's why I feel so guilty for taking sleeping pills so I can sleep instead of binge. I'd like to eventually get myself off of those. Anyways, this was a good read. I hope you are doing well. And soon...very soon, we will see 100!

  4. Best. Ramble. Ever.

    I love that you talked yourself into and then out of a fast :)

    And what I took from this is that you are insanely smart and wonderful! And that you talk about poo which means I love you even more!

    Haha, my friends are always getting at me for talking about poo...

    Email coming up soon! xx

  5. Don't beat yourself up about the Adderall. If I could get my hands on some, I have no doubt I'd use it to help me starve. Eating disorders do crazy things to us.

    I don't think it is prescribed very often in my country. I actually think I probably have adult ADD but I've never been diagnosed. It doesn't bother me too much though because I'm very used to "the way I am" now. Even if I was diagnosed, they probably would never give me Adderall because of the Anorexia. Would love to try it though.

    I have to take other pills (I won't name them in this public forum, but if you want to know privately I'll share) for a chronic pain condition that I have and I'm ashamed to admit, I sometimes take them when I'm not suffering because they help curb my appetite. Like I said, eating disorders make us do fucked up things.

    I love your blog so much by the way. I don't comment every day because I have to read it in secret so I don't always get the chance. But I'm always around.

    If you need to talk any time outside of here, just let me know and I'll give you contact details. I'm not really in the 'same place' as a lot of your commenters in that I'm not keen to be openly encouraging on weightloss and I don't think your starving or my starving or anyone's starving is ever a good thing, but I will always provide support in this struggle. I've had an eating disorder for over 10 years now so I'm sympathetic to what you're going through.