Well... This is it.

The End.

It's not the end of my journey to attain a thinner, happier me.

I've simply "outgrown" this blog.

I was incredibly lonely. I wanted to be heard, to be related to and to relate to others. I didn't want to be alone. Above all, I was afraid to be overtaken by my fears, my faults and the imperfections that all seemed to grow day by day.

This blog was my outlet, a place to reveal the thoughts I would never dare to speak out loud to another human being.

But I'm in a different place now. I still want to be 95 lbs so so badly and I still don't have anyone I can voice all my true feelings to.

However, I'm not afraid anymore.

I haven't reached my UGW. In fact, I haven't achieved much in terms of weight loss. Most importantly, I haven't managed to grasp the happiness I keep expecting to pop up around the corner.

I'm ashamed and I'm disappointed but I'm not afraid.

I have never felt more honored than when I had my very first follower to the astonishing 74 of you now.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I'm not sure if I will be deleting this blog, putting it on private or simply leaving it be but I won't be posting here anymore.

Goodbye my loves.

Day 40

Today was pretty confusing.

I spent the day alternating between feeling like the biggest fatass in the world and thinking that I was moderately slim.

I thought the latter when I was able to wear my best friend's super skinny jeans (on her) on top of thick thigh-high socks and still have room to spare.

Then I thought the former when I realized that my thighs were blatantly curved and not straight like I wanted them to be when I wear jeans.

I spent the next three hours that we spent shopping comparing our legs in every reflective surface we passed by and I took those damn jeans off as soon as I got back to my apartment.

It appears I have yet to get over my anxiety about wearing jeans :/

Today was like a kick in the face.

I. Am. So. FAT.

I feel like I've been deluding myself into believing that I'm kind of thin because I've always compared my body to my best friend (who is really skinny even though she weighs more than me...). Wearing all her clothes that are normally very tight on her and having them be loose on me was giving me all this fake confidence.

The truth of the matter is that I am NOWHERE as thin as I need to be.

My arms are so fat that I can barely feel the bone.
My stomach is so fat that it might as well be a second butt.
My ass is so fat that it freaking DROOPS.
My thighs are so fat that... I don't even want to get into it.

Every single part of my body is fat. Fat fat fat fat fat.

Well, I've eaten a heck of a lot of crap the past week but at least this means that I've finally cleaned out my fridge. The only edible things left to eat are:

1) 45 calorie per serving tofu
2) 10 calorie sugar free JELL-O
3) 1 squash (? calories)
4) two large carrots (~35 calories each)
5) "0" calorie pickles.

I'm going home next Wednesday so I'm not planning on grocery shopping. I probably won't be able to resist buying food + snacks in general but I will CONTROL MYSELF by buying only one item at a time. If I want to eat and get fat so damn bad then I'll have to make another trip.

The biggest thing that confirms to me how fat I'm getting is the fact that the gap between my thighs has gotten smaller. It's not gone, but it's definitely shrunk.

FML.

Day 39

Tomorrow will mark 10 days to my birthday. I don't weigh anywhere near where I told myself I would but I can deal with that. Well, as long as my thighs don't touch ever again.

I'm not sure what exactly prompted this 'acceptance' of my body ('happy' is certainly not right and even 'content' is pushing it) but I'm relieved that I can eat something as simple as sushi without feeling overwhelming guilt and anger at myself.

My last week or two of posts have been detailing my binges, my attempt at making up for these binges, my plans, my self-doubt and my general insecurity about where I'm headed.

It's enough.

I need to stop worrying about the future and focus on the present, as cliche as that may sound. I don't know if I can do it but I'll try. After all, there are finals to study for, presents to buy and friends to meet.

And now I present Madonna :D

-----

"Die Another Day" - Madonna

I think I'll find another way
There's so much more to know
I guess I'll die another day
It's not my time to go

Day 38

Well - I've been eating.

Con: I've gained weight
Pro: My thighs still don't touch

Con: I'VE GAINED WEIGHT
Pro: At least I've plateaued at 104.0 lbs for 3 days now

Con: I'm fat
Pro: There isn't one

If I go up to 105 lbs I may want to shoot myself. However, I've been crapping like there's no tomorrow which may be in part because I've been trying to binge on my Fiber One Cereal.

I'm stressing out. My Orgo Final is tomorrow... I don't know if this is contributing to my sudden complete lack of will power and self-control.

I don't know.

I don't know anything at all.

Day 37

What the hell am I doing?

Day 36

What do I want:

To eat and be fat?

Or

Starve and be thin?

The latter of course.

Now if I could just stop myself from doing the first...

Day 35

102.8 lbs.

16 days left.

Let's do some math:

To lose 1 lb there must be an approximate 3500 calorie deficit.

My BMR ranges around 1300.

I need to lose 8 lbs.

Therefore 3500 x 8 = 28000 total calorie deficit.

28000 / 16 = 1,750 calorie deficit per day.

This means that in addition to my BMR of 1300 I need to burn another 450 calories per day for 16 days in order to reach a total deficit of 28000.

Oh, btw this is only the case if I was water fasting for all 16 days.

It's impossible.

Feasible, but because I know how weak-willed I am, impossible.

Therefore I'm changing my birthday goal to 98.4 lbs instead.

3500 x 4.4 = 15400 total calorie deficit which means 15400 / 16 = 962.5 calorie deficit per day.

My BMR of 1300 - 962.5 = 337.5 calories I am allowed to eat maximum per day.

Of course I'll still be doing my calisthenics but the calories they burn are minimal so I won't be including them. When I go home I'll have access to DDR and the gym which I will use to burn the excess calories I will inevitably ingest.

Am I disappointed and upset that I'm raising my goal weight?

Very much so.

But I've realized that since Thanksgiving I've generally been ranging between 100-101 lbs. No major gain (upper 102's) and no large loss either (lower 99's is the farthest I've managed). Isn't this a true plateau?

I'm lowering the standard for myself. I only have to get 0.8 lbs below my lowest weight reached which isn't even a full 1 lb. There is no excuse for me not to attain it. I'm going back to meticulously counting.

I do not have any food-related engagements from now to my birthday (with the exception of Christmas) and I will not be making any. I will be a social hermit. I won't be able to avoid eating out with my family but I will burn off the calories matter how long it takes.

New plan + new goal = new me?

I tried on Size 24 jeans at Forever 21 which is the first time I've tried on any kind of pants since I went to True Religion so many weeks ago when I started this 50 day countdown.

They fit perfectly.

I know it's Forever 21 and I don't know how accurate their sizing is but it was the encouragement I needed.

Regardless of what I weigh on December 28th, I'm going to buy those True Religion Size 23 jeans. Weight is an indicator of how fat I am but these jeans are going to be an indicator of my thinness.

I've also realized that my blog name "not.quite.ana" is terrible. When I started this blog I had been trying to think up a name that would be original and memorable but now I know that it is an awful representation of myself.

I don't WANT to be known as being "not.quite.ana". I had meant it to be a warning to myself not to take things too far but I think that my use of the word "ana" can be construed as highly offensive to those who truly are suffering from the disorder known as Anorexia Nervosa. Not the cutesy, internet made nickname "ana".

I would appreciate it if anyone could help me brainstorm a new name. I have a couple in mind but I'm curious to see what everyone else's thoughts are on this.

Thank you :)

Day 34

Ended the fast (if you can barely call it that) at 28 hours and I weighed 100.2 lbs.

I ate a little from the Whole Foods Breakfast Bar.

Then went to Barnes and Noble to read "Unbearable Lightness" by Portia de Rossi (which was AMAZING btw and I highly highly highly recommend it!).

There's one quote that I want to share because it is exactly how I feel a lot of the time: "I felt that the calories were impossible to quantify and so that meant that the food had no energy or matter so I could eat everything, or because the calories were impossible to quantify, I could eat nothing at all".

When I don't know how many calories I'm eating (as in there's no nutrition label) I always take it as an excuse to eat whatever the heck I want.

I say this because on my way back to my apartment from Barnes and Noble I walked through the Farmer's Market that's held in that area every week. ...It just HAD to be today didn't it.

Anyway, I bought 1 large Gingerbread Cookie, 1 Raspberry Walnut Square, 1 Rice Krispie Cube and 3 small plain donuts.

Darn my sweet tooth.

All these "homemade" style baked goods taste so much better than the packaged stuff. I actually still have 2 donuts and 3/4 of the Cranberry Walnut Square left and it's honestly only because I am unbearably stuffed.

This is tmi (as usual) but I can tell when I've eaten a lot when I need to do a #2 right after eating. Which I did. Poo times are both glorious (only in terms of weight loss and expelling waste lol) and a sign that I ate enough to poo in the first place.

Ugh, I always eat whatever I want on the days when I know I'll be obligated to eat. Grrr stupid birthday dinner, I still have to go to that in a few hours sigh. I seriously have so many binge triggers, I envy everyone else's self control!!

I'm feeling a lot better today despite eating what feels like 139075892378492036 calories in case you all couldn't tell :D It may be partially because I'm only slightly numb now instead of feeling like I'm going to get frostbite?

I'm just glad I'm going clubbing tonight because it's frankly the only real, heart pumping exercise I get when I'm at school!

I haven't weighed myself since I've eaten but... I think I'm going to hold that off until tomorrow morning. I can be upset then.

Today's my first break from papers and classes and finals until next Thursday which is probably contributing to this good mood lol.

Not even my bulging, fat bloated stomach can ruin this positive thing I've got going on which is really saying something!

I hope you're all prepared to hear me go on another self-pity rant tomorrow ahaha.

Day 33

I fasted for 24 hours.

I weighed 101.0 lbs.

Then I had 300 calories.

I weighed 101.8 lbs.

I was so close to hyperventilating when I saw I magically gained almost an entire pound after eating only 300 calories spread out over 6 hours >_>

I'm currently 18 hours into a 36 hour fast and it is taking all of my energy not to check the scale more than once every 3 hours.

I currently weigh 100.8 lbs.

Eh. Stupid triple digit's.

I have the birthday dinner tomorrow but I looked up the menu online and it looks like I'm getting a salad without the cheese.

The scale keeps going up every time I eat something. I HATE that I had 300 calories. I ate because for some dumb reason I thought that I shouldn't be depriving myself, that eating just a little wasn't going to mess up my progress.

It did.

I shot up 0.8 lbs and ok, I know it was temporary weight but that didn't stop me from wanting to rip out my hair.

Make it stop. WHY CAN'T I STOP GAINING WEIGHT.

I can't believe I ate 300 effing calories.

Why would I do that to myself? I KNOW how much better a continuous fast is, 24 hours without eating isn't going to do anything. WHY did I eat WHY WHY WHY.

I've been in a pretty pissy mood - It probably doesn't help that my room (the living room) doesn't have a heater and the 5 blankets I've bundled myself in isn't keeping me from freezing my ass (or at least my fingers) off.

It's hard to even type this right now and I have goosebumps all over my body even though I'm as covered up as can be. I hate winter. I can't believe I used to wear shorts OUTSIDE without leggings or tights the past two years. I was so insane.

Ignore me - I sound like a whiny little brat but I'll feel better tomorrow (I think).

I'll push through, I'll get to the other side, I have to.

-----

All I'm worth is 100.8.

Day 32

I'm bloated.

Why?

I binged of course.

I threw out everything that I didn't consume.

My fridge is much emptier now - Thank God.

Another lesson learned: Food shopping binges only enable actual binges.

I was terribly upset, I didn't do as well on my test as I could have because of it.

But I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself.

Yea, I'm fat and I hate myself.

That's old news and today's a new day.

I haven't checked the scale and I'm not going to.

I'll be better. Stronger. In control.

I have one goal. Just one.

I've gotten off track for an entire month now.

I've been gaining and losing the same pounds over and over but NO MORE.

I will gain the peace and the mental clarity that I need to succeed.

95.

Ni-ne-ty-fi-ve.

10 letters, 2 numbers and 1 me.

No comments please.

As much as I love every single one of you, I need to do this on my own.

Thank you so, so very much <3

I don't mean to double-post in one day but I have been newly inspired and determined by *Isobel, *M.Bec, *miss alisha, *Gina and *struggle2bethin!!!

After writing that last post I proceeded to have 450 calories:

-1 Lightlife Tofu Pup (60 cal)
-1 slice bread (70 cal)
-1 cup 365 Organic Beef and Spinach Ravioli (230 cal)
-1 So Delicious Fudge Bar (90 cal)

Total: 450 calories
Fat: 9.5g
Carbohydrates: 72g
Protein: 22.5g

I could have done better. But it is definitely not the worst that I'm capable of.

It's 9 hours after that without eating and I am... 101.4 lbs. Ugh, if I didn't eat I'm sure I would be lower now. Well, I can't change the past but I can take action NOW.

I'm going to continue fasting until I am in the 100's. I want to say 99 but the risk of me breaking before then is embarrassingly high so I'll take it slow.

I mean it this time. I don't want to be the person who breaks promises anymore. I'm going to do this.

When I'm in the 100's I will eat 100 calories MAXIMUM every 12 hours until I am in the 99's. I may edit this part later on but this is the general idea for now.

I have no obligatory outings except for the birthday dinner on Saturday. I will fast 24 hours before and after it and I will order the healthiest and smallest item on the menu. Chances are we're probably going to an Asian restaurant but if the option of salad is available then I'm snapping it up. Screw anyone else's opinion. We're also going clubbing again that night so I will do my best to keep my body constantly moving.

At least there won't be cake.

However this night may turn out to have a lot of unexpected factors popping up so I MUST be 99 by then.

I can do it I can do it I can do it.

I can't I won't I WILL NOT mess this up.

I can BECOME a stronger person. A person that I can be proud of.

95 is in my grasp. It's close enough to touch.

I'm going to be thin.

I hate how my roommate always surprises me by looking at my laptop screen when I don't expect it. I don't usually have time to change it to something "normal" i.e. not eating/weight/dieting/nutrition/calorie related so I end up making something stupid up.

For example I was reading an ED poem called "Death of a Thousand Cuts" that I found through *anna~'s blog and I quickly scrolled down the screen but not before my roommate was like "What are you reading??? I just saw 'Death of a Thousand Girls'" (who knows what she was thinking of). I was freaking out and I said "Nooo it was 'Death of a Thousand Cats!'". Lol I can be really dumb... I wish I was wittier (this is assuming I was had any wit in the first place)!

Another thing: I hate taking pictures but my friend took a couple at that birthday party I went to last week. It was the first time that I realized that I DO look sickly. I have huge bags under my eyes and even though I'm not that pale my face was pasty looking. At the time that the picture was taken I thought I was smiling but in reality it looks like I'm grimacing.

I guess that's the price I pay.

Jeez I looked awful though, the first thing I'm doing when I hit my UGW is pampering myself and making sure my face matches my body haha. Screw the cost. It'll be worth it :)

Anyway. Back to business.

Day 31

24 hours of no food and I'm only freaking 101.4 lbs.

I'm starting to lose hope guys... I want to be *95* so bad but don't know if it's going to happen by my birthday. I know I can lose the weight by then but I just don't think I can maintain it through Christmas and while I'm at home.

And when I lose hope I eat.

I can tell that my will power is waning. 24, 36, 48 hours of water fasting used to be so easy. It only got harder by the time I got into the 3rd day but for some reason I had more than a couple close calls in this 24 hour fast and I don't know why. I think my feeling now is that "I'm never going to reach 95 so fuck it all". Except that I CAN'T "fuck it all".

I want to eat and I know that LOGICALLY there is nothing wrong with eating but I can't. It's like, if I can't even go 24 hours without food then I'm a Big. Fat. Failure.

Well... I said I would fast until I was back in the 99's but I'm too tired and weak. See, this is what I mean about giving up!! I'm becoming a stupid quitter. I am now officially one of those people who constantly make resolutions and promises that they never keep and yet keep on making new ones anyway.

Fuck me.

I'm going to go eat now. Don't know what exactly.

Food is wasted on me. I wish I could give it all to someone more deserving.

I'm a terrible, terrible person...

I'm loaded with work this week but I'll respond to comments as soon as I get the chance. Thank you all so much for sticking with me through fat and hopefully thin!

Day 30

Sigh.

102.0 lbs.

Disgusting.

I just feel like the shittiest person.

Why can't I keep steadily losing? Why do I fall to temptation so easily? Why must I make the same mistakes over and over again?

I'm my worst enemy.

I shouldn't blame food or my friends or any other extenuating circumstance because in the end, my hands and my mouth are what determine my own fate.

Urgh.

Yesterday = Binge. Need I say more?

I've decided to fast until I get back down to the 99's. Hopefully it won't take me very long.

Only 20 days left. Time has passed by in a blink of an eye.

I've made so little progress since I started the 50 days... What have I been doing this whole time? Making up for my binges is what.

My mom told me that my hands have gotten really bony but all I heard was: "You've gotten skinnier".

I have noticed differences in my body. Not where I want to most (like my legs, stomach and arms) but I can clearly see all the indentions in my feet and hands. My wrist bone also sticks out a lot and my ankles do look very bony and tiny. My knees are knobby enough that it's slightly difficult to get into a comfortable position to sleep. The gap between my thighs is slowly but surely widening. My collarbone is clearly visible, my face has slimmed and my hip bones are definitely jutting out.

I need to remember that not too long ago I didn't have any of these. I'm still pudgy and flabby and have fat spilling everywhere else but these little markers are what's important. They make me happy.

I just need to reach for a little more of this happiness.

-----

I'm very fond of this verse in the song "Supermodel" by Jill Sobule:

I didn't eat yesterday
And I'm not gonna eat today
And I'm not gonna eat tomorrow
'Cause I'm gonna be a supermodel

...Not that I'm going to or want to be a supermodel. But you know what, NOT EATING is what it takes to at least look like one.

That is exactly what I'm going to do.

Day 29

100.0 lbs.

The reason for the terrible gain: After I had the ravioli (230 cal) and fudge bar (100 cal) I was already the bloated kind of full and decided to just start the 24 hour fast right then rather than torture myself by eating more. But a few hours later I'm craving chocolate so I have Dark Chocolate Mousse (60 cal).

Another hour later I found myself eating poutine. Poutine?? It makes me want to puke thinking about all the cheese I ate!! I did end up taking some of the cheese out but it doesn't change the fact that I still ate the whole damn thing. And the final kicker is that I had not one but THREE Edy's Sugar Free Fruit Bars (25 cal each) because I felt so sick after the poutine and needed something to settle my stomach with.

Estimated daily total: 1100-1200 calories? Why do I ALWAYS mess up my progress with something stupid!!

I think I've made the mistake of buying too much food that I actually *like*. I know that sounds weird but I very rarely want to binge on the usual low calorie stuff I get. Now look at me - I had three fruit bars and a fudge bar and a chocolate mousse cup all in one day even without counting the poutine. I threw out the rest of the 6-pack of Dark Chocolate Mousse. Yes, it was expensive and I just bought it and I can't believe I threw away my money but I cannot. Eat. Any. More!!!

I kept the Skinny Cow Fudge Bars because even though they were surprisingly DELISH they only have 100 calories with 1g of fat, 22g carbohydrates, 4g fiber and 4g protein. Still pretty worth it I think!

Today it turns out I need to meet my mother so she can hand me the laptop charger I shipped home. The one I currently have (my 3rd bootleg one from ebay) is already deteriorating again which is not good considering I have a ton of papers and finals to study for this week!

However this also means that I'll probably be expected to have dinner with her. I know myself very well - so I'll let you all know that I will be binging tonight because I can never seem to stop stuffing my face whenever I'm not at my apartment. I won't eat anything until then but I'm already expecting *another* huge gain tomorrow. Not good, especially since I once again have to go to an obligatory birthday dinner on Saturday sigh.

It's not even a week into December and I'm already fucking up BAD. I know what's at stake (like my happiness and sanity??) but no. I could understand if I was hungry, or plain STARVING, but I just felt like having chocolate and freaking fries/gravy/cheese "food vomit".

This is why I'm weak. I eat because I convince myself that I absolutely have to have so and so food right now and conveniently forget the consequences. I should only be eating when my body absolutely requires nutrients to keep on living.

I *will* be 97 lbs by next Monday. I'm too fat to allow for any slip-ups.

I need to stop.

Day 28

Yesterday I had an orgasm in my mouth as I was eating. No joke. It was so fucking delicious, I was even making moaning sounds hahaha.

It was heavenly. I went to the Whole Foods buffet and I got a tiny bit of everything, most of which I haven't had in MONTHS. Omg it was so good. I used to scarf down my food without actually tasting it but now I savor ever single bite.

I'm such a mess - most of the time I hate food with a passion but it's disconcerting to find that I'm still in love with it all the same.

The only thing was, even though I really had very little food in my takeout box I was SO FULL halfway through. I forced myself to eat another quarter of it (I hate wasting food & money!) but then I did something strange... I chew/spit the last portion :0

That was the first time I've ever done it and it was such a weird experience! I think I was simply too full to eat anymore but I didn't want to save it or throw it out. I don't know why I thought chew/spit would be a good solution but I definitely did *not* enjoy it. Chewed up food is not pretty :p

I've also realized something over the past couple months - I buy food faster than I can consume them before they spoil. I was sad to realize that my raspberries have finally started to rot and thus must be thrown out. It figures, since I bought them almost 3 weeks ago :/

I think I tend to do what I call a "food shopping binge" where I buy huge amounts of wonderful low calorie foods to compensate for the fact that I am, frankly speaking, starving myself. Even though I don't go grocery shopping very often, when I do, I can't stop until I've bought every item on my list (that I add to whenever I discover some new food I'd like to try) which usually means frequenting all three major supermarkets in my area. I can't even tell you how many times I've had my bags break while walking back to my apartment because of the sheer weight of all the food!

Yesterday was my most recent "food shopping binge" and it was my biggest one yet. I even diverged from my list to buy some very strange items (at least for me) - sorbet (1/2 cup - 100 cal), fruit bars (25 cal) and two kinds of fudge bars (90 cal and 100 cal). What on earth possessed me to buy 4 different varieties of these frozen treats?? I was never very fond of any of them even when I ate "normally". Wowww I'm retarded. And to think, my original intention in going to the supermarket was simply to restock on Fiber One Cereal. I have no control over myself!!

On a non-food note: Kaskade was amazing. When I say this I literally mean that *Kaskade himself* was amazing. The highlight of the night was the incredible dj-ing and 4 straight hours of dancing in which I hope I burned a ton of calories. Otherwise, I sincerely wanted to injure pretty much everyone I came across. Long story short - the club was filled WAY over capacity and having hundreds of people crammed in one room does NOT bode well. I had my feet stomped on several times (thank goodness I was wearing boots although it didn't help much when an overweight woman in heels kindly decided that she wished to stop all feeling in my toes), was shoved every which way, had drinks spilled on me numerous times (by the end i was sticky from my head to my back to my legs) and was followed throughout the night by various creepers of all color and age.

But you know what? It was all worth it when I got back to my apartment at 4 AM to find that my weight was 99.6 lbs.

It is now 10:30 AM and I've completed a full 24 hour fast from my one meal yesterday and I weigh 99.2 lbs. I've beaten my low weight and have less than a pound to go to my next goal weight :)

Honestly though, I'm scared that everything seems to be going too well to be true. I just think that it's pathetic of me to need an entire 4 weeks to be more or less solidly in the 90's. I need to be in the 98's tomorrow...

I couldn't count calories yesterday but it must not have been a lot if I was able to lose this much in one day. Today I'm planning on doing the exact same thing - 500 calories max and another 24 hour fast. Here's what I've planned out:

-1 small tomato (16 cal)
-16 medium asparagus (64 cal)
-0.25 bunch broccoli (52 cal)
-1 Skinny Cow Fudge Bar (100 cal)
-1/2 365 Organic Spinach Florentine Ravioli (230 cal <--another unplanned item!)
-0.75 cup Columbia River Organic Green Beans (30 cal)
-2 tablespoons 365 Salsa Hot (5 cal)

Total: 497 calories
Fat: 2.6g
Carbohydrates: 99.6g
Protein: 24.2g

I keep expecting to look drastically different when I hit the 90's but I still look as lumpy as always. Actually, the only thing I've noticed is that I can almost slide my finger between my thighs without it touching either side. I can't wait for the gap to get bigger :)

I stayed up after the club so I could do my weigh-in (I didn't want to miss the timing!) and thus have not slept for about a day and a half now. I am off to bed (yes, in the middle of the day) and do not expect to be up until it is dark.

I go to bed wishing every one of you the very best.

Good night~

Day 27

LOL HOLY SHIT.

100.0 lbs.

Why are you torturing me scale???

Yesterday went surprisingly well. I had the 230 calories worth of cereal and the veggie patty and fasted for 24 hours after that :) After eating I was deathly afraid that I had gained but I *somehow* managed to maintain and today it turns out I've lost! I'm actually more impressed that I didn't binge in the slightest, woo go me! I wanted to fast longer but I really want to keep my energy up for Kaskade so I'm planning on having a "free" day but still sub-500. Who knows how this will go. Rarely do these "free" days end as I want them to :p At least I'll be burning crazy calories tonight!!

Everything went so well yesterday, I still can't believe it haha. First, at the birthday party the cake was made out of ice cream and the venue was going to charge us $25 to store it and eat it there (that's NYC for you) so we didn't end up having it :D Then my roommate and a couple other friends wanted to have dinner but I said I just wanted to sleep (even though it was only 10 PM) and I was able to avoid that as well!

I woke up at around 2 AM after only being able to sleep for around 4 hours again which is when my roommate and friends came back to the apartment after having gone to a party. I suppose I should have been upset about this but I am really relieved I avoided the alcohol! And FINALLY, they all wanted to go out again to a lounge and I adamantly refused to go with them with excuses about how I didn't want to get dressed (remember that I'm usually half-naked at my apartment?). Turns out they weren't allowed in anyway but if they had I would have been able to divert another situation where I would have been pressured into drinking. Hurrah!

My goal is to be 98 lbs by Monday. I'll most likely be doing a 24 hour fast tomorrow, I'm so so close to being back in the 90's!!!

Day 26

Oh my goodness.

100.8 lbs and only 48 hours in for 3 lbs lost!

I'm ahead of schedule :D

I've been on top of my exercises these past couple days and I'm sore all over to prove it! My goal is to keep up with these exercises for every day of December:

-2 sets dumbbells
-100 squats
-100 crunches
-100 right & left leg lifts

It's not a lot but the point here is consistency!

This is horrible of me but... I wanted to rip out all the food I saw in people's hands. My very messed up reasoning was that "If I can't eat then you shouldn't be able to either!" Oh so very selfish of me.

BUT there is a huge problem looming ahead of me today... It's my friend's birthday and I *have* to go. The last time I went to a birthday party I literally had people shoving cake in my face until I accepted it. I was really mad that day :/ Just let me NOT eat your stupid cake!

However, my intense worry about eating junk food is overshadowed by the fact that I know I will go absolutely ballistic if I am made to break my fast. Seriously. Like go ape-shit. Ughhh no one had better make a fuss!! My roommate is already suspicious again and she's had a tendency to blurt out that I'm not eating and crap >:(

I'm looking forward to Saturday though, I'm going to see Kaskade!!! :D I am sooo excited for it, I still can't decide if I should dress rave-ish or more clubbing? This is even more of a reason why I can't break my fast, if I wear stomach-baring outfits with my friends then I HAVE to be thin and not ugly bulgy like I am usually!! I'm also not sure if I'm going to have the energy to dance the night away since the 96 hour mark will be right in the middle of it :0

Oh and since I'm not feeling *too* weak right now I've decided to forgo the juice fast for today and just stick with water. I know, I'm too flaky for my own good!

I'll be updating this again later on :)

***Edit:

It is 55 hours in and I weigh 100.6 lbs and I am ending the fast.

I slept for around 4 hours on and off until I finally got up around 5 AM because the hunger was too strong. It was a torturous decision to end the fast early and I feel weak for it but... I'm just glad I made a conscious choice rather than binge.

When I woke up I was still 100.8 lbs but I weighed myself every hour after that until I was 100.6 lbs which is only 1 lb away from my low weight. I felt that I at least owed myself this concession in the case that I was going to eat and break the promise that I made to myself and all of you.

I lost a total of 3.2 lbs. That is much more then I could have hoped to lose in the short amount of time that I didn't eat and I need to take this as an accomplishment instead of feeling like a failure.

I'm eating 1 cup Fiber One Cereal (120 cal) now and I'll probably have 1 Amy's Bistro Burger (110 cal) later on in the day. Not sure if I'll eat more than that but I do know that I am NOT going to eat anything at that party! That's the only part of today that I'm completely confident about :)

It's been an exhausting night - I hope everyone else has slept better than I did <3

Day 25

25 days and 1/2 way through the 50 Days to UGW.

24 hours into the 96 hour fast.

102.4 lbs for a loss of 1.4 lbs so far.

I'll try to update again in another 12 hours :)

***Edit:

30 hours in. 102.0 lbs wooo...

It's really annoying that I can never seem to sleep for long when I fast >< I went to bed right after writing this post and I'm already up again sigh. It's so much harder to pass the hours when I actually have to be awake for them hahahaha.

To the commenter's:
Thank you for all of your encouragement! It makes me that much more determined to succeed because I don't want to let any of you down :)

*Minus Human - I think I'm going to take your advice to make that ob/gyn appointment because like you said, not getting your period can lead to future bone problems which I definitely want to avoid!
*sofia - I'm very worried about binging afterwards too but I just hope I can control myself this time! And GOOD LUCK no matter how long you're going for, every hour without food counts :)

***Edit:

36 hours in. 101.6 lbs. 2.2 lbs lost so far and only 2 lbs to go to my low weight :)

The next time I'll be able to weigh myself will be at 48 hours and it would be so amazing if I could reach the 100's!

*Kate - Tums is a really good idea, I remember I tried them in high school and I hated the taste but I will start looking into them again!
*M.Bec - I get those "eating nightmares" all the time too, they can be *very* scary! I wish there was a way to sleep easier without having to resort to pills :/

Day 24

This is a disaster.

I feel like the apocalypse has fallen right on my fat ass.

103.8 lbs.

Yup. EXACTLY THE SAME.

How can this be?? How can I already be freaking plateauing??

I had 1 cup Fiber One Cereal (120 cal), 1 Amy's Bistro Burger (110 cal), a bread roll from Patsy's Pizzeria (~80? cal) and about one handful of Penne alla Vodka (~200??) for a total of around ~510 calories yesterday. I had thought at the time that while it wasn't a good intake it wasn't terrible either but I was apparently WRONG.

Today is December 1st and there are LESS THAN FOUR WEEKS LEFT. Omg ok I need to calm down, it's NOT time to freak out yet!

About the loss of my period, I think it *is* because of the weight loss after all according to what I've researched. The only part I'm not clear about is exactly WHEN and IF it'll be coming back? It's funny, I hate getting my period but now that I haven't had it for awhile I wish I could just get it so that I don't have to worry about it anymore! I'd like to at least have the option of conceiving my own kids in the future you know!

This is a little off topic but there is one question that I absolutely dread being asked when I meet a boy - "What do you do for fun?" It's sad, but this seriously stumps me. I usually pause and then blurt out something lame like "not study" LOL. Honestly, as of right now, "losing weight" is what I do "for fun". But of course I'll sound psycho if I say that!

-----

You know those moments where something just *snaps* in your mind and you decide to do something that is probably impulsive and risky and not really worth it?

Well I've just had mine.

4 day / 96 hour fast.

Turns out I couldn't keep myself from freaking out haha...

I was looking at myself naked in the mirror as I often do. Even though my thighs weren't touching they were closer than they were before Thanksgiving. I had fat rolls hanging over my thong strap. My ass was bigger than I remembered it. My fat was squishing out of the sides of my bra.

All I could think was "Oh my God".

I simply have to stop eating. It's simple. No food for me!

During the last 72 hour water fast I thought I would go crazy if I went for even a minute longer. However, 72 hours isn't good enough anymore. I need to be stronger than that. It doesn't mean anything if I don't keep trying to aim higher instead of stagnating.

Still, I do understand that as far as water fasts go, 72 hours is highly likely to be my limit (at least psychologically). Thus, this time I will be incorporating diluted 100% juice. I'm going to fill one of my empty 1.5L water bottles with 2/3 Trop50 Orange Juice and the other 1/3 with water. These 200 calories will be all that I am allowed in a day.

My plan as of now is to go 48 hours pure water and the last 48 hours with the juice. Hopefully this will keep my energy up and I won't feel like lying in bed is all I'm up to doing.

I promise that on December 5th I will be reporting a successful completion of this 96 hour fast. I'm rather excited! I'm going to estimate a 1 lb per day loss so my goal is to be in the 90's again by then :) Yay!

*VictoriaCrimson - Yesss, the body is so weird! I hope you're right and that it's just out of whack for a bit, I don't want to get any health-related problems in the future because of it!
*liz - Amy's is my one true love <3 It's expensive, but if you want low cal low fat healthy organic vegetarian food then Amy's is the only way to go :)
*struggle2bethin - I love the burger patties, actually if you look on the website the Bistro Burger is one of the lowest calorie foods that they make! Amy's is expensive but I think it's worth it in the long run :) Hm, I personally like fish over meat but I think the lean versions of meat are perfectly fine! I suppose my "binge times" are usually later in the day but it might be because I'm rather nocturnal? I couldn't really say :/ And I hope I will too!!
*Kate - It's so weird to think that I may have "lower" amounts of fat that's preventing me from getting my period but I think you're right :0 Or at least I hope that's all it is!
*Mich - Aw thank you, but after getting to 99 the 103's just seem so obnoxiously high :/ Haha yes I know that if I did get my period anytime soon I'll be thinking "Why did I want it again??" XD

Day 23

103.8 lbs.

I'm so relieved.

Yesterday I had 1 Amy's Bistro Burger (110 cal), 1 cup Fiber One Cereal (120 cal) and 1 slice of bread (70 cal) for a total of 300 calories.

And I did two #2's. It was probably all the crap I ate over the weekend.

All in all it's a good start :)

Don't know if any of you remember this but about a month ago I had written that I hadn't gotten my period in about 2 months... Now it's been 3. I keep waiting and waiting for it but OMG I haven't had my period in 3 months!!

I'm 100% sure I'm not pregnant and I'm doubtful that it's because of my weight. I normally get my period every 1 1/2 months so I thought it was just being irregular as usual but it's been 3 months >< I really don't know. Tell me what you guys think!

I stopped getting my period around the time that I started really restricting but I wasn't eating *that* much before then so I think it's coincidental? Plus I frankly weigh way too much for "weight loss" to be a cause. I've also heard that eating "normally" after restricting for a long time will often prompt your period but considering how many times I've binged I know this can't be the case either.

What other reasons can there be? Am I deficient in something? Is this serious enough that I should be demanding an appointment with an ob/gyn like right NOW? Actually I don't think I could meet one anyway until the end of December but I just don't know how much of a problem I should be assessing this as.

*VictoriaCrimson - Awww thank you, you're always so motivating! I know I can always count on you :D
*miss alisha - Gasp, it's amazing how we're always around the same weight! Don't worry you're going to lose quicker than you can believe on 246!!
*Kate - It appears that you are completely right hahaha. A 2 lb loss in one day is definitely not logical unless it's attributed to "poo weight"! I hope we both can get to our pre-Thanksgiving weights soon!
*Isobel - IT'S OK! One day in the large scheme of things is not going to hurt you and 246 really is a foolproof way to lose weight! I can't believe tomorrow is December either... We WILL get through it together!
*Mich - Oooh I'm glad! Apparently it has been working well for you so I know I have someone to look up to when things are going hard ;)

Day 22

I was incredibly angry and upset yesterday and I didn't want to post my weight but it's time to own up.

Yesterday I was 106.0 lbs. Today I was 105.8 lbs.

Even though my weight is ridiculously high I am somewhat relieved that I actually lost slightly after eating the crazy amount of junk that I did yesterday (yes again). It's a bit encouraging to me because it means that this is my body's "set weight", I'm just glad that there is a cap to my weight gain!!

It will be December very soon. I had this whole plan written out that included a *lot* of fasting days, eating no more than 500 calories and... Actually that's about it haha. However, for the sake of my sanity I don't think that following a strict eating plan is going to be conducive for me right now.

I'm still not sure what I want to do yet. Well, the vague idea I have is that I am basically not going to eat anything for as long as I can and when I can no longer take it I will nibble on something and then resume not eating. Put this on repeat.

Totally unoriginal. But admittedly extremely effective (as long as I don't binge). Rather than put a daily caloric limit for each day I think I will instead restrict how much I am allowed to eat in each sitting. For example I may not eat more than 150 calories per "meal". Then if I only eat when the hunger becomes unbearable I should still be well below my BMR. After the past 4 days my metabolism had BETTER be up and running again. Seriously.

Turns out my plan is not so vague after all. Wish me luck?

And now for Comment Time!!!

11.24.10
Wow did I really reach my low weight not even a week ago? It's amazing how I can fuck up my progress so much... Anyway!
To *VictoriaCrimson, *Isobel, *bonesskinperfection and *liz:
You are all so very very kind to me. Thank you >< I wish I could express my appreciation for your comments in a more meaningful way but unfortunately no other words come to mind besides those two :) So once again: Thank you.

11.25.10
*Isobel - You are totally right. I don't know sometimes I just get so crazy and I can't STAND the idea that my eating is making me gain right at that moment (although it's ironic considering how often I binge). Sigh. I have to find the middle ground :/
*miss alisha - Haha I've actually surpassed my prediction of 105 lbs... Pathetic of me yes, but I promise, we will BOTH be in the 90's by Christmas!
*Fed Up - I am completely with you. I have to admit that I'm quite glad that I'm not the only one that uses weight as an indication to see if it's alright to eat! I'm going to try to wean myself off of this (not very healthy) habit but it's so addicting!
*Lola Rose - Aw don't worry about it! However I'm afraid that my "willpower" and "control" are completely atrocious so sending you a pinch would not be in your best interest! XD

11.26.10
*anna~ - Even though I love DDR in general, my primary motivation is definitely to burn calories while playing it! And LOL to no-thanks-giving, so cute!!!
*VictoriaCrimson - YAY I'M GLAD!! And I plan to hehe~
*tracy - Nooo of course I don't think it's creepy, there really is no "age requirement" to all this! I wish I could believe you, I wish I could believe everyone who tells me that, but I truly can't. However thank you, thank you for trying :)
*Isobel - Hurray you're back hahaha. I missed you very much love <3 Thank goodness I won't have to worry about another Thanksgiving until next year!!

11.27.10
*miss alisha - I am 100% back on the bandwagon. I won't have to go home again until Christmas and NOTHING can stop me from attaining my dream :) We are both so freaking close!
*Charlie - Yes. Let's!
*Isobel - I love your comments, you're always so encouraging! You're right as usual, I *did* anticipate this gain and now it's time to shape up! There's no use being all angsty and depressing haha.

11.28.10
*miss alisha - I may want to hurt myself but like you said, it'll be the WORST punishment if I don't reach my UGW. We WILL succeed.
*struggle2bethin - YOU CAN DO IT!! You have always been incredibly supportive of me and I want to do the same for you :) P.S. I'm following you!! :D
*Isobel - Oooh it would be so much fun if you came here! (Or if I could go there!) Maybe one day hehe~ It would be the perfect date! And believe me, I never get tired of your "epic shit", how could I when it keeps me so motivated?? <3
*Kate - Ah I'm going to keep your words in my head, it's just a little setback!! Nothing I can't overcome!!
*Sottile - GOOD LUCK!! I know what it's like to want that special dress to fit *just* right! Please keep me updated on how you're doing :)

Day 21

So. I'm 3 weeks into my 50 Day Resolution to my UGW. What do I have to show for it?

Something worse than Nothing.

Failure. Fat. Gain.

I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I'm devastated.

I want to bawl my eyes out. I want to scratch my disgusting mouth off my face. I want to pass out and never wake up so that I don't have to even *look* at food ever again.

But no. I must not be weak. I have to prove that I can be perfect, thin, happy.

All of which that I'm not.

It's ok it's ok it's ok.

I can make it I will make it I AM GOING TO BE SKINNY.

I'm really tired. Tired of myself. Tired of being fat. Tired of fucking food.

I weigh more today than I did yesterday. This isn't how things are supposed to go.

I need to be 98 lbs by Monday December 6th in order to be where I need to be by my birthday.

There's hardly any time left. There is no room for error.

Everything will be alright when I'm thin.

It has to.

My dad likes to bake.

Unfortunately, he's very good.

I eat Pecan Pie.

I eat Red Velvet Cake.

I eat Sugar Cookies.

I eat Chocolate Walnut Brownies.

I eat Pumpkin Pie.

I don't even like Pumpkin!

OR Brownies OR Red Velvet!

Sugar Cookies are the lamer version of Chocolate Chip and come on, who thought of Pecan + Pie??

But I don't have the right to be patronizing.

I. Eat. EVERYTHING.

So dad. Please. STOP BRINGING HOME SWEETS!

I can feel my ass expanding just *looking* at all the things you bring home.

When I refuse to eat something you've made, please don't look so hurt. It doesn't mean that I love you any less.

It just means that I'm trying to delay the inevitable part where I *do* gorge myself on your fattening (and oh so delicious) food.

I repeatedly tell you all this.

For some reason you never take me seriously no matter how many times I repeat myself.

The truth is, I should seriously be obese right now.

I swear, the only reason I'm not is because I inherited ridiculously skinny genes from family who were (and are) literally stick thin.

At my age my mom could wrap her hands around her waist.

At my age my dad weighed 130 lbs at 5'10".

My grandmother could model if it wasn't for her age.

My grandfather looks like a rail.

Oh, I forgot to mention that they all still eat whatever and whenever the heck they want.

Oh my God, why can't I do the same damn thing??

Day 20

104.6 lbs. Yeah, I know, I'm a total fatass who should be confined to a solitary room until I stop taking up so much space.

I can't believe how much of a lazy slob I am. I *still* haven't gone to the gym and haven't even gotten a DDR workout in.

I've only eaten one meal today and don't plan on eating again. I am FINALLY going back to my apartment tomorrow and oh, let me tell you, I am going to be relentless in getting back to 99.

There will be no stopping me.

I just need to get a hold of myself until then.

Note to self: Stop fucking eating. IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU HAPPY.

Day 19

I'm fat.

102.8 lbs.

Very very fat.

Ate like a mofo yesterday.

And today.

Played DDR until I couldn't breathe.

Been too cold and too lazy to get to the gym.

FAT.

I want to go "home" so I can starve and starve and starve.

Day 18

OUCH 100.4 lbs. This is bad but I was expecting much worse because of how insanely stupid I was yesterday. I think I should just list it all out.

Mistake #1: My roommate offered me a free taco (from Taco Bell). I like free stuff. I took it. I ATE IT! (although I took out most of the meat because it was disgusting)
Mistake #2: I had a sweet craving like you wouldn't believe. In my failure to satisfy it I had 3 handfuls of cereal, 6 asparagus and about 10 almonds. I ate it all and I still (duh!) was craving something sweet. I'm so dumb.
Mistake #3: There was a Farmer's Market in my area and I walked through it. Free, yummy, organic, FREE samples anyone?? I had about 4 pieces of beets and 1 piece of sweet potato. I'm just glad I didn't find the chocolate stand!
Mistake #4: Me and my roommate changed our dinner plans with our friend to brunch today because we were afraid we were going to be cutting it close to the club. Dinner was canceled so I OBVIOUSLY should have NOT EATEN ANYTHING but no. I go get a slice of pizza. I am unbelievable. There's something wrong with my brain!
Mistake #5: This is stupidest thing I did. After the club I thought I not only wanted something sweet but SALTY too and what do I go and do?? I go to McDonald's, still in my clubbing-wear and buy 3 effing cookies (what is it with me and cookies??) and small fries. I proceed to eat them. Oh btw, I felt sick after eating and now that it's morning I still feel sick. I'm telling you, I get SIGNS about stuff like this but I never freaking listen.

And now the consequences of my actions. I've *almost* gained an entire pound from yesterday, what a joy. The brunch is in like 30 minutes too, I CAN'T DO THIS GUYS! I am already eating way too much in the span of two days and my metabolism CANNOT keep up!

I'm leaving for home later today and my goal for when I get back is to be AT MAXIMUM 105 lbs. It's a freaking high # but I'm doing my best to be realistic here. This way I'll have 5 weeks to lose 10 lbs which is the most I'm sure I can lose. Ugh, I'll hate myself for having to repeat the same shit over but I'm going to have to take my chances.

Ok let's move on. I can see some of my bones sticking out of my body but I have a crazy amount of fat everywhere else, it's MADDENING! When I lie down my hip is way out there and at one time I would have been grossed out but now I'm in love with it <3 I also love how I can see the hollows in my feet and that my knees are so knobbly hahaha.

I'm mad that I can't get my measurements though, a friend who came over broke my tape measure (it was the MyoTape) grrr! I'm dying to know if any of my body parts have shrunk :(

Oh I forgot to mention, the club was crazy fun even though I ended paying around $20 for the night (ugh). I danced for three hours, saw a million people I hadn't seen in ages, gave my # to two guys, and proceeded to make out with one of them lol. I love casual makeout sessions with cute boys ;) And I didn't drink despite several offers of alcohol which is the only not stupid thing I did, hurrah?

Hm, I have also been seriously obsessive about food and weight. I mean, for example, I first weigh myself before I eat anything. Then I have a bite of food. Then I go weigh myself again. If the weight is the same I take another bite. If its higher then I stop eating. I basically follow this process on repeat.

In fact, I got so tired of taking off and putting on my clothes every time I go weigh myself that I pretty much walk around half-naked in my apartment all the time. My roommates joke that I could be a stripper because of this lol! At least it seems that they're much less suspicious of my eating habits now that I've gotten way sneakier about it :)

Btw, I of course used the above tactic when eating that taco so it took me like 6 hours to eat the whole thing but everything else I ate is damn unforgivable!! I'm bringing my super duper awesome scale home with me (even though it's pretty damn big) because I MUST stay accountable while I'm home and I won't allow myself to blame the shitty scale for any weight gain. Nope, not me. 105 MAXIMUMMM!!!

Day 17

99.6 lbs. I'm crying as I'm writing this blog post haha... I just... I can't believe I've made it to the double digit's you know?

Tonight I have dinner plans that I couldn't get out of without looking like a complete asshole. I hate having to choose between friends and *not* eating :/ Sigh well regardless, I'm not sure where we're eating yet but I'm definitely pushing for sushi so I can order sashimi and pick off the rice.

I'm supposed to have 300 but I guess I'll just have to settle for not eating until dinner. I'm kind of pissed that I have to do this on the very last day before I go home. Ugh thinking about home and Thanksgiving and having extended family over is way more stressful than it should be.

The only good thing about today is that we're going clubbing after dinner and you can bet I'm going to be the craziest dancer in the whole joint! Oh and as a reminder to myself: NO ALCOHOL! Dinner is bad enough but I don't need to give myself any additional useless calories.

However *IF* in the case that it absolutely cannot be avoided, I must then drink as much and as fast as I can in order to THROW IT ALL BACK UP. I haven't had alcohol in months, I'm a girl, I'm short and I'm effing 99.6 lbs. I wouldn't be surprised if I'm down and out after 2 shots of vodka. And I know that by the time I vomit most of the calories would have been absorbed already but jeez, if I'm not smart enough to avoid alcohol in the first place then I might as well get plain stupid with it!

Anyway. I finally have the time to reply back to all of your comments yay! I finally handed in all my papers, my assignments have been completed and my Orgo test was yesterday. Actually, I have a book to read by Monday and another project due on Tuesday but let's worry about that until the last minute in true ME STYLE!

11.21.10
Thank you to *VictoriaCrimson, *Kate, *liz, *anna~, *Sottile and *Isobel, you are all so freaking adorable!! I love how you were all getting into Greek Yogurt hahaha. I will definitely be adding that to my shopping cart the next time I get groceries!

11.22.10
*VictoriaCrimson - Haha even though I passed my UGW from September those cookies were totally not conducive to reaching my current UGW! Darn my sweet tooth!
*Lilah Lee - Oh man I love those big ass cookies too, don't worry you're not the only one! And I'm glad *someone* was entertained by my spastic writing XD
*Thin_Envy - Aww we all have days like that, and it really could have been much worse! It's hard for me to stop when I get started so I'm jealous of your self-control!

To *Posie, *Courtney, *liz, *VictoriaCrimson, *Lilah Lee, *K, *miss alisha, *bony bunny, *Sottile and *anna~: Your comments were just as short as my post but they truly mean MORE to me then that one number. I'M IN LOVE WITH ALL OF YOU <3

11.23.10
*VictoriaCrimson - I hate my calves and thighs >< Probably the only acceptable part of my legs are my knees lol!
*Runs Alone - Aw I'm flattered you would say that but I don't think I'm thin enough yet... If you saw me full-front I'm sure you would change your mind haha.
*Minus Human - GAH I have an awful body shape, even though I have problems with my lower body I clearly hold most of my fat on my stomach, arms and huge shoulders! I would gladly switch with you if I could! I used to be tired all the time (I still am) but I think I've learnt to deal with it better? And I don't usually succeed in eating so little, I just happen to be on a very good streak these past few days :) This won't be the case for Thanksgiving though x_x
*liz - I know the picture isn't up anymore but maybe I should have edited it to show the fat bulges... Plus I purposely made the picture as small as possible to make them harder to see but they are definitely there :(
*miss alisha - Thank you for proposing the picture idea to me, it *was* very hard to put it up (and I obviously couldn't even bear to keep it on here for long) but now I feel all the more accountable to do better :) And YAY I'm glad you were able to avoid the clutches of the kitchen hahaha.
*K - LOL sorry about that, maybe if you tell me a time I could re-post it for maybe 15-30 minutes so you could see? But don't worry, there WILL be a 95 one too, I'll make sure of it!
*bonesskinperfection - Thank you! I know you've been having a hard time lately but I'm sure things will get better for you soon <3 Stay well!

Day 16

It's so surreal. I still haven't completely grasped the fact that I have *actually* reached the double digit's.

I also thought I would be happier about it?

Oh don't get me wrong. I'm definitely proud of myself for finally getting here after what has been a very bumpy journey but... Never mind. I can't even explain it myself.

I just need to get to 95 now :D

Although of course I weighed in today at 100.0 lbs sigh. I'm a little disappointed but I'm more glad that the discrepancy is this small which means that yesterday couldn't have been a fluke!

Today is 100:
-1/2 medium cantaloupe

Total: 94 calories
Fat: 0.5g
Carbohydrates: 22.5g
Protein: 2.3g

So... Here's me >< I've taken the suggestion of *miss alisha to post a progress pic... It was super stressful trying to figure out which pose would make me look the least fat but I did my best :/ I wanted to share it here because you have all been amazingly encouraging and supportive, I don't think I could have reached this point otherwise :)

I feel really anxious and paranoid about showing a picture of myself so I'm going to take it down tonight, although in all honesty the biggest reason I can't bear to keep it on here is because it is seriously tearing me apart to see all that fat on my body. Ugh, this picture is ruining the "cleanliness" of this blog and I would rather save it in an obscure folder where I won't have to see it again until I'm skinnier!

P.S. Omg I didn't want to write this but PLEASE IGNORE my stomach/arm/thigh bulges, I know it looks terrible!!

*Picture Removed: Sorry guys, I took it down way sooner then I said I would because I'm too embarrassed by it... Hopefully I won't feel that way at 95? BUT thank you for all of your very kind comments, I really took them to heart :)*

99.8 POUNDS.

Warning: Another ramble-y Adderall post, read at your own risk or just skip to "Day 15" down below :)

Sooo I'm on Adderall again. What's new. Well this time I cut the pill in half because damn, the side effects lasted for a REALLY long time and I probably felt worse (at least physically) then I did better. Hopefully this will be easier on my body although I took it a few hours after having the 500 calories while last time I took it on a *very* full stomach.

Eh. We'll see how it goes.

Anyway this time I took it because I am such a huge procrastinator and I CANNOT finish this stupid paper so I can start studying for Orgo. I finally gave up on trying to not take another pill

-----

Lol I had to do a #2 RIGHT as I was writing that sentence. Tmi but I think if you've read my past posts then this is to be expected by now :) And to continue with that sentence, I really didn't want to take another one (I don't want to get addicted, I shouldn't rely on a pill etc etc) but omg for all of yesterday and today I've been incredibly lethargic and sleepy. I have no idea why, especially since I slept like 11 hours last night too. PLUS I took like an hour nap in the middle of the day.

I "perked up" after taking the Adderall which is good... Except that as you can see, I can't seem to focus this energy into doing work -___- Sigh, this pill is always a hit or miss, I never know what I'm in for when I'm on it!

Oh so I'd like to get all of your opinion's on something. Basically, I finished the 500 calories at precisely 4:00 PM and it was my intention from then on to do a 24 hour water fast. However, I'm a total weirdo and I can't take pills with water and I usually have to put them in foods that I can swallow without chewing. Thus, I put the half pill in one raspberry at about 7:30 PM. Should I consider this point to be the start of the fast? Or should I still use 4:00 as the start?

Even though I know there are hardly any calories in only one raspberry and that a few hours difference doesn't *actually* matter, I can't help but to obsess over these technicalities. Hmmmm.

I'm being bad. Sorry to waste your time on yet another very pointless ramble. I'm promising right now, I will NOT write on this blog until I AT LEAST finish my paper. So there.

Brb :)

-----

I know I said I wouldn't come back here until I finished my paper but I Did Something Bad.

I ate a cookie.

Surprisingly, I don't feel as bad about it as I thought I would. This probably has to do with the fact that:

1. I didn't actually have 500 calories today, maybe around 450? I don't know how many calories the cookie was and I probably went over 500 after eating it but it couldn't have been by much.
2. I weighed myself before I ate the cookie (101.4) and I weighed myself after I ate the cookie and guess what? I was still 101.4 which was a HUGE relief.
3. My stomach was already aching from the Adderall and eating the cookie made me feel better. (<--Wow I sound like such a wuss)

Overall, a pretty win-win situation :) I suppose my dilemma from earlier is irrelevant now. Haha I just realized I haven't had a cookie in a pretty long ass time. My cookie craving is gone too whee! Oh and I know 101.4 lbs is pretty damn high but I have full confidence I'll be back in the 100's tomorrow when I actually post this :) Woah, I'm totally not used to being this optimistic!

Ok ok back to my paper ><

-----

Fuckkk alright I ate two more cookies. I'm still 101.4 but AGH I JUST ATE FAT!

However I've realized that the Adderall is kind of like a laxative - it can't be a coincidence that I had a poo not long after taking it and I went again after consuming the 2nd cookie. Granted, not much came out (tmi warning: oops too late ahaha...) but still. Pretty cool.

Ugh of course my stomach feels like hell again though.

-----

It's very disconcerting to realize that there isn't anything that makes me happy anymore. I can remember what used to - shopping was a big one, clubbing, watching TV shows and movies, *doing* stuff with my friends and of course eating... Now I can't go shopping because I'm always thinking about how I look awful in anything I try on, I rarely have the energy to dance the night away in very hot and crowded clubs, I only watch my shows as a distraction from food, I hardly go out anymore let alone meet up with many friends and I don't even have to explain the last one.

I was feeling depressed and stressed out so I thought, "I should do something to cheer myself up!" and I couldn't think of one damn thing. All I feel is cranky and tired and I'm absolutely dreading my upcoming test.

This is why I honestly believe that sometimes, all I really have is myself and my fat and that when I get rid of the latter I'll finally have *myself* again if that makes sense.

-----

It is incredibly weird to remember that when I started this blog I wrote that my UGW was to reach 101. Now that I've surpassed that I'm surprised to think that I would be satisfied with myself at this weight. I mean, I *am* thinner but not really?? It makes me wonder how I'll feel at 95...

Day15

YAY OMG 100.2 lbs!! This is my weight 14 hours into the water fast so we'll see if I can drop to the double digits by tomorrow! Crossing my fingers!!!

If you chose not to read the above spiel (I certainly wouldn't blame you) then I should let you know that I (*wince*) ate not one, but THREE cookies in addition to the 500 :0 That's plain unacceptable but I'm incredibly thankful that they didn't make me gain AND I didn't binge (although this is likely because of the Adderall...)! I'm relieved :)

Now for an analysis of my weight - I am undecided as to whether I should hope that I have gotten out of the plateau and my weight will keep dropping OR that this 100.2 is simply within this stubborn range that my body refuses to get out of... <--This is the kind of stuff I think about all day until I get the chance to weigh myself again lol.

I want 99!! If I could get it before Thanksgiving... It would be too good to be true >< Even if I do reach 99 I *know* I won't be able to maintain it while I'm home which is going to make it so much worse when I come back and I have to do this ALL freaking over again.

I've realized that it took me an entire week to reverse my horrible weight gain from the last time I went home and frankly, I don't have the TIME to devote an entire extra week to getting to the same weight that I had already reached before. I wish I didn't have to go home!

I've been really bad about responding to comments, I promise I will soon!! Thank you all again for taking the time to read this... Um... Totally interesting blog haha.

***Edit:
AHHHH I'M 100.0 LBS!!! This is after doing another poo (I swear I don't know how or where all this excrement is coming from, I usually never go so many times in a week let alone within 24 hours but I'M SO HAPPY THAT I AM) which means... Perhaps I have surpassed the plateau?? I'm hoping that's the case!

Day 14

It's confirmed.

I am DEFINITELY in a plateau :(

I weighed in at 100.6 lbs today. Actually, I'm kind of upset that I even went up 0.2 lbs but I'm going to do my best not to let it get to me.

NO BINGE MONSTER FOR ME!

I'm going to stick to the plan. Even if I feel hopeless and think "fuck it all" I will *not* justify a binge just because my weight loss has stagnated. Plateau's happen and there's no reason for me to get overly worked up about them.

Besides, tomorrow's "weigh-in" day and I MUST be 100, or at least as close to 100 as I can get if I want to stay on schedule! There are only 5 more weeks left and I have 5 lbs to lose!

500 today:
-1 cup Fiber One Cereal (120 cal)
-1 Amy's Bistro Burger (110 cal)
-1/2 medium cantaloupe (94 cal)
-11 almonds (85 cal)
-1 plain rice cake (35 cal)
-6 medium asparagus (24 cal)
-1 small tomato (16 cal)
-1 JELL-O (10 cal)
-2 tablespoons salsa hot (5 cal)

Total: 500 calories
Fat: 12.4g
Carbohydrates: 106.6g
Protein: 19.1g

I really need to stock up on more eggs, anyone else have suggestions on how to increase my protein intake? I might try the Chobani Greek Yogurt, it has crazy amounts of protein for almost no fat and low calories. The only reason I haven't bought it yet is because I quite detest yogurt but I've got to deal. I can't afford to be picky!

I had a very close call yesterday. I smoked some pot with my roommate which I thought wasn't a big deal since I never get high off of it but I had CRAZY munchies afterwards. The only reason I didn't binge was because there was literally nothing to binge on hahaha. So yay :)

Much love to you all, I'm off to write another paper and study for my dreaded Organic Chemistry test!

Day 13

My weight hasn't gone down...

My weight hasn't gone up...

It is EXACTLY the same.

100.4 anyone?

I am starting to strongly suspect that 100 is becoming another plateau # like 105 was. Which is pretty worrying since I got all nervous and crazy that my weight wasn't moving at 105 and kept binging because of it! Hopefully I'll be able to have more self-control this time!

Yesterday I had:
-1 small tomato (16 cal)
-1 medium asparagus (4 cal)
-1 medium peach (38 cal)
-1 plain rice cake (35 cal)
-2 tablespoons hot salsa (5 cal)

Total: 99 calories
Fat: 0.4g (<--this is more like it)
Carbohydrates: 21.5g
Protein: 3g


And today I'm having:
-1 plain rice cake (35 cal)
-2 tablespoons hot salsa (5 cal)
-1 egg white, boiled (17 cal)
-1 small tomato (16 cal)
-7 almonds (51 cal)
-1 cup Fiber One Cereal (120 cal)
-13 medium asparagus (52 cal)

Total: 297 calories
Fat: 6.7g
Carbohydrates: 71.6g
Protein: 15.7g

Thanksgiving is in a mere 5 days from now, I HAVE to reach 99 by then! I wish I could say that I'm not going to binge when I'm home etc etc etc but I know it's not true. I'm not sure how long I'll be home but the maximum number of days that I will be is 4. FOUR days of home food.

I'm just going to say it: there's *no* chance of me even managing to maintain my pre-Thanksgiving weight. Therefore, I have to lose as much as possible beforehand in order to make up for it!

Why must it be so much easier to gain than to lose weight??

To *Isobel, *Minnie, *miss alisha, *alexaN, *anna~, *bonesskinperfection and *Sea: THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR ENCOURAGEMENT AND SUPPORT! Your comments always make my day <3

Day 12

Guess.

Guess my weight.

Pleaseeee guess it!

Nope too slow.

I'M 100.4 LBS BABY YEAAAAAH!

Ok I'm calm now.

...And yes, I confess that I am still feeling the Adderall. I cannot tell you why for the life of me! However I have to say, it is one of the weirdest and most pleasurable things ever to hear your stomach grumble BUT not feel even the slightest bit hungry. AND I hardly thought about food for over a day now!

I ALWAYS think about food.

Yet I didn't for all of yesterday and even now the idea of food doesn't appeal to me. In fact, all this extra room in my head means that I was able to *GASP!* pay attention in class for the first time in what seems like forever!

I'm glad I regained my attention span in the class that I did because my professor talked about ED's a little which I thought was pretty funny considering it was a Psychology and Religion course... Anyway we were going over a "Mandala" which looks like a wheel made up of 6 part's.

One of the part's was called "Hungry Ghost" which represents unfulfilled desires from the past, addictions (like drugs) and bulimia. I thought it was oddly fitting. It's all about trying to fill yourself up even though it's *never* enough and how these behaviors are an attempt to make up for all the needs that your parents didn't acknowledge or ignored when you were younger. So basically you're trying to make up for all these needs now that you're an adult but you'll never be able to no matter how hard you try because they can only be satisfied within particular childhood stage's.

How unfair right?

Anorexia, on the other hand, is associated with the "Animal" part of this wheel which also represents sex, hunger and stupidity (basically the Id). I remember thinking "What the heck is anorexia doing in here??" Well according to my professor, anorexia denies all of these primal instincts and cravings and thus it becomes the destruction of the self. It makes so much sense that anorexia, the ultimate resistance against our most basic biological needs is nevertheless placed in the same category as these other seemingly contradictory traits because honestly, isn't the "pinnacle" of anorexia eventually death?

It's something to think about.

I just wanted to share this with you all, I hope no one is offended! :0 I wish there was an ED-NOS one though haha.

Oh yes, as for my eating plan today... I don't know. I'm scared to eat! But I have to! If I don't eat then that would be fasting which means that the fast has to end *sometime* and then I think we all know what pops up RIGHT at that moment!

Yes! You got it!

ThE bInGe MoNsTeR!!!

I know I'm lame, no need to remind me :)

Sigh what to do, what to do.

***Edit:

I honestly haven't been hungry at all but I *did* feel really weak so I made myself eat a peach (38 cal). And OH. MY. GOD. My stomach hurts like hell and I feel really nauseous. I'm covering my mouth right now in the hopes that it will somehow keep me from throwing up. What is wrong with meee ;_;

Day 11

Wonderful way for me to start off the 2nd 10 day stretch of my 50 day marathon. Right after I wrote that blog post I took an Adderall. I only had one left and I was trying to save it for either 1) when I wanted to do a super long fast or 2) for finals. I didn't take it for either of those purposes which is another reason to be pissed at myself for.

I just wanted to not feel or be hungry. I'M SICK OF FOOD.

Not sure what to do from here on out. I know I'm fasting today (this is a given) but right when I was going to follow my first instinct and buckle down for another 3 day fast (potentially 4) there was *one* thing that stopped me.

I currently weigh 101.8 lbs.

Crazy right? Let me explain. I've done a poo three times since my binge about 12 hours ago (yes tmi but i can't leave it out!) plus I literally peed like 15 times.

In conclusion, it is all water weight. I'm still fuzzy on whether all the waste excrement was a reaction to the Adderall or the binge. Maybe a combination of both.

Anyway BECAUSE it's water weight that means that the first thing I eat is going to make me gain. That makes me very sad :(

For now I'll just do the other 12 hours without food and see how I feel from there (and hopefully lose *actual* weight). I only have one thing that I need to concentrate on:

ONE HUNDRED POUNDS.

100 is all the matters.

100.

100.

100.

-----

***WARNING: Very long ramble, read at the risk of intense boredom and with the assurance that I am indeed insane :) I wrote this part a little after taking the Adderall and basically kept coming back to it all night!

I feel amazing when I'm on Adderall. Sure, I get dry mouth, I can't sleep, my heart starts beating faster and my stomach feels like there's a rock in there but I have SO much energy which I never have nowadays. I'm usually so tired that doing anything but laying around seems to take tremendous effort.

But of course the biggest side effect of Adderall that I love is the loss of appetite. Even when the hyperactivity that I experience wanes after maybe 6 hours I don't feel hungry for ages.

I get Adderall from my roommate/best friend. She only uses it when she really needs to study so she doesn't mind giving me one once in awhile when I tell her I need one too. I never want to ruin her trust and as of today I have only ever taken one when I had a major test or paper coming up. I've only taken it maybe 5 times in my life because I know that it can be very addicting.

However, this time my desire to be empty is overpowering my guilt for misusing this pill. I hate asking for another one but I think I might, especially since she knows I have another huge Organic Chemistry test on Tuesday. What do you all think? Am I being a selfish self-centered bitch for using my best friend like that?

The answer is yes.

I feel PATHETIC for resorting to Adderall to help me to not eat. I don't know about anyone else but I feel incredibly accomplished when I reach my fasting/restricting goals all on my own power, no pills no drugs no laxatives no purging no anything except my own will and determination.

Hahaha I'm rambling even more than usual too. I think I'm going to fast.

4 days.

Until after midnight Sunday I will not have a single bite of food.

I think this time I should try something besides a water fast though.

This is what I think:

Today - Water only
Friday - Water and Alcohol only (My roommates want to drink and frankly I need to get fucked up. I'm planning on drinking until I throw up. I'm a serious lightweight so it'll be quick. Whoo.)
Saturday - Water and Juice only
Sunday - Water and Liquids only

What do you all think? I love reading your comments, I hate that I can never seem to respond as well as I like to all of them.

***Edit:
Just to let you all know I'm not planning on doing this fasting plan anymore but I kept it on here in order to preserve my feelings at that moment :)

Btw, if you would like me to follow/read/comment on your own blog please let me know! I try to find them but I'm pretty sure I've missed more than a few. Also I should let you girls know that I *always* need to read through an entire blog's archive before I start commenting on the more current posts so don't freak out if you don't see any activity from me ok? :)

I love you all so much. What would I do without the online community.

It's lonely out here in the "real world". I used to be such a different person. Always partying, drinking, going to clubs, flirting with guys, staying up till dawn and sleeping the day away. It's not that I miss that person really, because my school work definitely suffered, but I've become much more withdrawn from everyone around me.

Still, I feel like I can't present myself to the world until I'm skinny.

100.
100.
100.

I want it BAD.

I watched America's Next Top Model with my guy roomie last night after my awful awful binge. It's strange but it calmed me down. I chugged another liter of water and just watching these beautiful thin girls made me think "I'm going to be skinnier then they are".

I want to be proud of myself and my body. I'm a fuckup in everything else. If I can master my body and overcome my pervading instincts to eat all day long then I know that anything else I pursue in my life is possible.

It's MY BODY.

The least I can do is make it as perfect as possible no?

Sorry for the ramble, all my thoughts race through my head when I'm on Adderall.

And as a note: I know that I shouldn't take it when I don't have ADHD (although I suspect that I have a very mild case of it) and I DEFINITELY DO NOT encourage anyone else to take it unless they need to for medical purposes.

Yes. I'm a hypocrite. But I really don't want to influence anyone else with my bad behavior. I hope I haven't :( I care about every one of you, it would *kill* me to know that something I wrote turned out to ruin someone else!

I'm even more of a hypocrite for wishing that all of you could be happy with yourselves just the way you are. Of course I support every single one of you with all of my heart but it hurts me that there are many many others girls (and guys) out there who are in pain.

I know for a fact that I do not have it bad at all. I often feel silly for making my everyday pointless little eating and mental cases appear to be such a big deal when I know that they are not. However I also know that most if not all of you are hurting more than I am and considering how much I just hate myself sometimes... I don't know what I'm trying to say, I only know that I wish I wish I WISH happiness for all of you.

I wish I could give hugs in person and be there to hold your hands when things go wrong :0

Well, I've finally found out the formula for how much I'm burning with my calisthenics. Here's an example for squats:

(0.096 x weight) x (# of minutes) = calories burned

Keep in mind that 0.096 is used ONLY for squats. Therefore at my weight of 101.8 lbs, doing 100 squats in 2 minutes = approximately 19.6 calories. If I do 500 squats in 10 minutes then I will have burned approximately 97.7 calories. This is what I'm going to aim for!

I haven't been able to find the # for crunches and leg lifts (these seem to have more varying answers) so if anyone finds them let me know :)

Oh and this is a bit of a strange request but I would GREATLY appreciate it if anyone could point out any grammatical/spelling errors? I have such a problem with grammar, whenever I reread my post's I always think that they never sound exactly right or that I could have worded it better. Anyway, don't hesitate to correct me on anything! I had also hoped that I could improve my writing through this blog (although I know that this particular post was not a good way to do that lol).

Ahhh ok and NOW I remember why I hesitate to take Adderall except for emergencies, coming down from the "high" makes me feel sick sigh. I keep forgetting that after the main effects pass the "loss of appetite" is usually the result of stomach pains >_> Well, it really isn't too bad and I feel a little more aware now haha.

It's decided. I'm not going to ask my roommate for another pill! It's my own fault for using the only one I had for non-studying purposes (actually I did manage to read a book and write a paper) but still! I need to be more responsible. Adderall will not be always be there for me when I'm desperate to end a binge and feeling all sorry for myself. Nosiree.

I'm weak. A weak pathetic silly little being really. But I'm going to lose weight my own way. I won't get any satisfaction from reaching my UGW with any external help!

Just me and my fat.

Fight to the death I say!

100.

100.

100.

ONE HUNDRED.

It's a beautiful number.

OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD I fucking binged. Let me tell you all what happened. I can't let myself get away with this.

The 500 went great. I ate it all within 2 hours and I was full. I was glad that I got to start my 24 hour fast earlier. 4 hours later I'm hungry. My stomach was expecting more gross calories from me but I said HELL NO. Problem solved.

Another 4 hours later I'm still hungry. I tell myself "Ok, go eat ONE 10 calorie JELL-O and a pickle and you'll be fine. I wasn't fine. I ate 300 calories. I was legit full but that wasn't enough for me. All I could think about how I wanted to have more.

So I reached 1000 for the day and I told myself "For the love of God just STOP!". And I did. I exercised. I chugged 2L of water. An hour passed. Then I made the HUGE mistake of checking my weight. It said 105.8. I went ballistic and I could feel myself spiralling down in despair at what I had done. So of course I ate more.

An estimated 500 calories more making my daily total a fucking 1500.

I hate myself so much and I am very very ashamed to admit that I tried making myself vomit around 5 times. I was not successful any of those times for which I am both relieved and slightly regretful of but mostly relieved. At the time though all I could think was that I HAD to get all this shit out of my body.

As I was reaching for the food I spoke out loud to myself and just kept repeating "fatty fatty fatty fatty". While I was eating I kept groping my body, my stomach my hip bones the gap between my thighs. I knew I was getting fatter.

FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT. I feel like I'm spilling out of everything. I keep looking in the mirror to confirm the disastrous results of my catastrophic behavior.

You know what, it's pretty common sense that starving yourself will eventually kill you but I say that from my personal experience, I never feel so close to wanting to physically hurt (KILL) myself except for when I eat like this.

I wanted somebody to stop me. I wanted to go to my best friend in the next room and cry and tell her about the horrible thing I just did and have her say something that wouldn't be "I'm glad that you ate". WHY DIDN'T I STOP!!

I could have stopped. I was perfectly capable of stopping. But I didn't. I'm so sick of it. I was TWO lbs away from my low weight!

I know what happened. I'm simply not good enough to reach 100 lbs. I'm too weak, too fat, too much of EVERYTHING. That's what's wrong with me.

I am too much. I am reaching overcapacity.

I am going to die if I keep going on like this.

I don't mean that my heart will stop beating.

That's just what it feels like.

Day 10

Well yesterday was interesting. Let me tell you, almonds are *not* what I thought they would be. It was the 1st time I tried them and I got through half ok but then I was forcing myself to eat the rest because it just tasted bad. Towards the end I was feeling nauseous and my stomach was churning.

I finally gave up when there were 7 left (about 51 calories) and ended up forgoing the flaxseeds in favor of 3 small pieces of chicken and about a handful of rice. So I had an allotment of about 120 calories for the chicken and rice which I'm pretty sure I didn't go over.

All in all I consider yesterday a success and I now weigh 102.8 lbs :) Woohoo for a loss of 0.6 lb! Today is 500:

-1 Nature Valley Peanut Granola Bar (170 cal<--yes I'm crazy, stupid peanut butter craving)
-1 1/2 tablespoons dry roasted flaxseed (80 cal)
-3 extra large strawberries (26 cal)
-11 almonds (85 cal<--I have a shitload left to eat unfortunately -__-)
-1 medium tomato (22 cal)
-2 large asparagus (10 cal)
-1 medium peach (38 cal)
-1 small grapefruit (64 cal)

Total: 495 calories
Fat: 93.2g
Carbohydrates: 66.6g
Protein: 14.7g

I can explain the extraordinary amount of fat I swear!! It's all because of that stupid granola bar!! I'll be better next time I promise ;_; It doesn't matter if I eat fewer calories because as long as most of it is made up of fat I'm not going to get anywhere...

Thank you *Isobel, *Kat, *Zoe♥, *morbid.diathesis, *miss alisha, *Posie, *liz and *anna~ for your lovely comments :)

*morbid.diathesis - I have no idea (I'll be having it today) but apparently the kind I got can be eaten raw sooo this is me experimenting :) I hope its a hit and not a miss like the almonds were agh!
*miss alisha - Oooh thank you for the Carb/Fat ratio! I usually NEVER have this much fat when I'm consciously restricting but this has been a pretty weird week. As for your binge, we have all been there and I know its a terrible, terrible feeling. It's been a few days now since then, maybe the scale won't be too horrible? Good luck!!
*liz - I was actually warned about the almonds by my roommate (who said they just made her feel sick and get headaches) and I obviously should have listened haha. I'll let you guys know how the flaxseed is :)
*anna~ - Ahh, maybe I should clarify, even though I have a thigh gap its pretty tiny (maybe 1/2 inch?) but its how I judge whether I'm horrendously fat or moderately fat! I'm sure you look beautiful AND thin even if you can't see it <3

***Edit:

-1 Nature Valley Peanut Granola Bar (170 cal)
-0.17 tablespoons dry roasted flaxseed (9 cal)
-3 extra large strawberries (26 cal)
-11 almonds (85 cal)
-1 medium tomato (22 cal)
-6 large asparagus (30 cal)
-1 medium peach (38 cal)
-1 Kellogg's Nutrigrain Strawberry Cereal Bar (120 cal)

Total: 500 calories
Fat: 118.5g
Carbohydrates: 71.4g
Protein: 14.3g

Holy crap the flaxseed was AWFUL. It cost me like $7.50 but I threw it out without a single ounce of regret because it was just that terrible. I practically stuffed my mouth with the Kellogg's Bar to get the taste out of my mouth ew. Anyway, my grapefruit went bad (nooooo...) so I altered today's plan a little.

Sigh and yes, a ton more fat and not enough Carbohydrates and Protein. I suck. Well, I've been trying to eat everything in one sitting so that I can start my 24 hour water fast immediately after yay :) I NEED to be in the lower 102's by tomorrow!

Day 9

Hell yea I'm 103.4 lbs! At this rate I just need to lose 0.5 lb per day to reach 100 by Monday :) It's totally possible and I'm not planning on messing up this week!

300:
-1 1/2 tablespoons dry roasted flaxseeds (80 cal)
-1 cup strawberries (49 cal)
-1/3 cup almonds (180 cal)

Total: 309 calories
Fat: 20.5g (...That's a fucking lot dammit)
Carbohydrates: 22.7g
Protein: 10g

Well, this is my version of "switching things up"... Anyway I have to eat it all considering all this stuff was VERY expensive and I kind of can't afford to just not eat it. It's all supposed to be really healthy so I'll try not to think about how I'm going to consume 20 grams of fat when I usually have less than 5. Nope, not thinking about it at all!

Oh btw, my thigh gap has come back yayyy!! I'm still fat, but not *as* fat. I can't wait until the day that I can say that I'm not fat!

Day 8

104.6 lbs. I don't know how I managed to weigh exactly the same as my before-home weight but it probably has to do with the fact that I've just finished a 24 hour water fast. Today is 100 calories and to switch it up a bit I'm having:

-2 cups strawberries (97 cal)

Whee...

SO ANGRY THAT I'M NOT 101 TODAY THOUGH!! My goal for next Monday is 100. I can do it >:( Besides, next Thursday is Thanksgiving = Death. Plus I'll be home again which also = Death.

My parents cook so much food and even when we try to foist all the leftovers onto our guests we still end up with a TON of food that I feel obligated to eat while I'm home. I really don't like wasting food :/

*BIG HUGS TO *Minus Human, *Kate, *liz, *K, and *Isobel!!!

*Minus Human - Thank you so much for your kind comment. Even though I know I eat because my body demands it I still feel frustrated when I can't control this one thing for myself. Your plan really is the smart way to do this, but even so I feel completely helpless when I don't see a decrease in my weight every day which I try to compensate by using more extreme tactics... I hope one day I can truly believe that I am not only beautiful but deserving.
*Isobel - It's so hard not to freak out when I can plainly see how I'm reversing all my hard work ;_; And don't apologize!! We all have responsibilities in the "real world" (lol). Everything is fine as long as you're ok :)