Day 30

Sigh.

102.0 lbs.

Disgusting.

I just feel like the shittiest person.

Why can't I keep steadily losing? Why do I fall to temptation so easily? Why must I make the same mistakes over and over again?

I'm my worst enemy.

I shouldn't blame food or my friends or any other extenuating circumstance because in the end, my hands and my mouth are what determine my own fate.

Urgh.

Yesterday = Binge. Need I say more?

I've decided to fast until I get back down to the 99's. Hopefully it won't take me very long.

Only 20 days left. Time has passed by in a blink of an eye.

I've made so little progress since I started the 50 days... What have I been doing this whole time? Making up for my binges is what.

My mom told me that my hands have gotten really bony but all I heard was: "You've gotten skinnier".

I have noticed differences in my body. Not where I want to most (like my legs, stomach and arms) but I can clearly see all the indentions in my feet and hands. My wrist bone also sticks out a lot and my ankles do look very bony and tiny. My knees are knobby enough that it's slightly difficult to get into a comfortable position to sleep. The gap between my thighs is slowly but surely widening. My collarbone is clearly visible, my face has slimmed and my hip bones are definitely jutting out.

I need to remember that not too long ago I didn't have any of these. I'm still pudgy and flabby and have fat spilling everywhere else but these little markers are what's important. They make me happy.

I just need to reach for a little more of this happiness.

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I'm very fond of this verse in the song "Supermodel" by Jill Sobule:

I didn't eat yesterday
And I'm not gonna eat today
And I'm not gonna eat tomorrow
'Cause I'm gonna be a supermodel

...Not that I'm going to or want to be a supermodel. But you know what, NOT EATING is what it takes to at least look like one.

That is exactly what I'm going to do.