Monday, December 6, 2010

Day 29

100.0 lbs.

The reason for the terrible gain: After I had the ravioli (230 cal) and fudge bar (100 cal) I was already the bloated kind of full and decided to just start the 24 hour fast right then rather than torture myself by eating more. But a few hours later I'm craving chocolate so I have Dark Chocolate Mousse (60 cal).

Another hour later I found myself eating poutine. Poutine?? It makes me want to puke thinking about all the cheese I ate!! I did end up taking some of the cheese out but it doesn't change the fact that I still ate the whole damn thing. And the final kicker is that I had not one but THREE Edy's Sugar Free Fruit Bars (25 cal each) because I felt so sick after the poutine and needed something to settle my stomach with.

Estimated daily total: 1100-1200 calories? Why do I ALWAYS mess up my progress with something stupid!!

I think I've made the mistake of buying too much food that I actually *like*. I know that sounds weird but I very rarely want to binge on the usual low calorie stuff I get. Now look at me - I had three fruit bars and a fudge bar and a chocolate mousse cup all in one day even without counting the poutine. I threw out the rest of the 6-pack of Dark Chocolate Mousse. Yes, it was expensive and I just bought it and I can't believe I threw away my money but I cannot. Eat. Any. More!!!

I kept the Skinny Cow Fudge Bars because even though they were surprisingly DELISH they only have 100 calories with 1g of fat, 22g carbohydrates, 4g fiber and 4g protein. Still pretty worth it I think!

Today it turns out I need to meet my mother so she can hand me the laptop charger I shipped home. The one I currently have (my 3rd bootleg one from ebay) is already deteriorating again which is not good considering I have a ton of papers and finals to study for this week!

However this also means that I'll probably be expected to have dinner with her. I know myself very well - so I'll let you all know that I will be binging tonight because I can never seem to stop stuffing my face whenever I'm not at my apartment. I won't eat anything until then but I'm already expecting *another* huge gain tomorrow. Not good, especially since I once again have to go to an obligatory birthday dinner on Saturday sigh.

It's not even a week into December and I'm already fucking up BAD. I know what's at stake (like my happiness and sanity??) but no. I could understand if I was hungry, or plain STARVING, but I just felt like having chocolate and freaking fries/gravy/cheese "food vomit".

This is why I'm weak. I eat because I convince myself that I absolutely have to have so and so food right now and conveniently forget the consequences. I should only be eating when my body absolutely requires nutrients to keep on living.

I *will* be 97 lbs by next Monday. I'm too fat to allow for any slip-ups.

I need to stop.


  1. Oh crap, poutine. Don't touch that shit ever again, girl. I can't even bring myself to eat such high fatty food like poutine, ice cream...It's just so gross right? Imagine that fat on your body...Well, you know what I mean.

    And hun, remember YOU ARE STRONG! You're one of the biggest thinspirations here. So go out and show everyone how strong and powerful you are! You're gonna be 97 lb. I'm not even questioning you. :)

  2. good luck getting to 97! it was only a tiny step back, and now you can continue walking forwards.... to 97. haha.

    stay lovely. <3

  3. Awe man! I'm sorry. I know what you mean. You eat one thing and then it's like your whole body goes on autopilot and you can't control yourself you just keep eating and eating and shoveling it in. And the whole time you wanna stop but it's like you can't make yourself stop no matter how hard you want to.

    I'm sorry about all the possible binges coming up. Just don't think about them. Just think about the next day, hour, minute instead and focus on doing well tree. You can do it. I know you can.

    You will be 97 next Monday. I know you'll do whatever it takes to get there.

  4. I have those food-buying binges as well, and then things go to waste all the time! Right now I have baby carrots and red grapes that are most likely past their prime. I might be able to salvage the grapes. I think it's a thing of, I want to buy the food, because then other people can't. So even if I don't eat it, no one else can either. It's what prompts me to buy junk food that I know for a fact I am not going to eat. It's such a weird obsession. I waste so much money. This morning I threw out a package of frozen chicken breasts that I had only eaten one of, because they were cluttering the freezer and I couldn't deal. Ahh, but we all have so many idiosyncrasies, no? Stay strong, you'll get to 97 in no time :) xoxo

  5. Read your post earlier today, but couldn't comment until now because blogspot was being stupid! ): My original comment was super super long and I'll try to retype it now.

    You are definitely not weak! If I were you, I'd never had had the power to throw away the rest of those delicious Dark Chocolate Mousse (Jello brand, I'm guessing?) The fact that you were able to throw them away means your self-control is at least partly back, right? You will definitely reach 97 by Monday! You can do it! :) Maybe the next time you eat a meal, you could give yourself a time limit? Set a timer for fifteen minutes so that you can only eat what's on-plan during that set time? I'm horrible at giving advice about binging, since I'm so prone to those random binges myself. ):

    I hope things go better for you though! And thank you so much for your kind comments on my blog. I am always so touched when I read them :)

  6. Weak? Huge gain? No no no!

    Step back here for a moment, and remember that we are both of capable of bingeing above and beyond when it comes to cals so I'm being honest when I write...1200 cals in a day isn't the end of the world! It's positively saintly in comparison to others (me included)

    And the gain was only .8 of a lb!!

    You couldn't even gain a tiny pound in one yourself a binger? ;)

    But in all seriousness, you're at a really good weight right now. I consider that being 5lbs (either side) of your goal weight is pretty ok, given how womens' bodies flucuate and water weight and blabla.

    You've been consisently under 105lbs for a long time.

    That's something else to be positive about - not people can do that, even at our height!

    I know how you feel lovely, I truly do, but please smile! Don't look at eating dinner with your mother as a 'binge' - it has such negative connatations. Make her company the priority, and the food a second.

    I love you xxx

  7. aww thanks for such a nice comment girly :)

    You'll be back in your 90's in no time.

    haha I love how you say back to 100.00 that's a gain... ahaha... if only I would ever see that number!! lol

    you are such as inspiration :)