Happy Halloween~!! It's happy because... DUN DUN DUN! I'm 101.8 lbs! That's right! 101.8!!! I re-weighed myself 7 times to make sure :D I'm crossing my fingers for tomorrow!! Oh man. If I got below 101... I don't know what I would do haha.

600 calories:
-1 cup Fiber One Cereal (120 cal)
-1 cup Trop50 Orange Juice (50 cal)
-1 Amy's Texas Veggie Burger (130 cal)
-5 egg whites, boiled (85 cal)
-1 medium peach (38 cal)
-1 medium banana (105 cal)
-1 small grapefruit (64 cal)

Total: 593 calories
Fat: 5.6g
Carbohydrates: 130.7g
Protein: 37.4g

...And it shall be done!

I think my plan is working :) For example I try to eat everything I've planned out early on in the day so that I go on longer without food until the next day. This way I can extend the so-called "fasting period" that occurs when you sleep and I can basically have a mini-fast every day. So technically I finished at 4pm yesterday and weighed myself at 10am today creating a fasting period of 18 hours. Ingenious no? Ok ok I know it's not that smart but I was happy I thought of it XD

*miss alisha - Haha I guess my goal now is to stay in the 101's! And yes 0246 *does* work well but after my 3 day water fast with Isobel I'm moving onto 0135 :) I want to keep pushing myself! Let me know how you do tomorrow too!
*morbid.diathesis - Ooh Monday to Wednesday is good! It would be great if you could go onto Thursday (amazing really!) but I don't want you to stress yourself out about it either :0 I'll be sure to keep reading your blog to see how it's going for you!
*Isobel - I feel like size 0 is too good to be true >< Where else can I go to secretly try on jeans LOL.

20 followers?? I don't know where you all came from but I'm honored that you would think this blog to be worth following :)

I was 103.0 lbs this morning >:( You know how when you get an 89 on a test and you think "if I had just checked A instead of B for that one question!!"? That is exactly how I feel about ___.0 lbs. Doesn't look like I'm going to reach 101 by Monday since I'll be having 400 calories today and 600 tomorrow so it's going to be my goal to be in the 102's by then instead. Totally doable (<--is this a word?? lol).

Today's meal plan:
-1 cup Fiber One Cereal (120 cal)
-1 cup Trop50 Orange Juice (50 cal)
-1 Amy's Texas Veggie Burger (130 cal)
-3 egg whites, boiled (51 cal)
-1 medium peach (38 cal)
-1 JELL-O (10 cal)

Total: 399 calories
Fat: 4.9g
Carbohydrates: 87.1g
Protein: 28.6g

This seems like... so much food! Sometimes I feel so silly for restricting and fasting because normal people don't do this kind of stuff right? But then I remember that I've never really been normal and that 103 lbs is unacceptable and that I have too much excess flab on my body and here I am :)

Yesterday I was really curious about the jeans thing so I went to American Eagle to try on a couple. First I tried on a size 2 stretch skinny. It was way too big. I asked the attendant to bring me the same jeans in a size 0. Also really big. I should explain that by "big" I mean that I can put it on and take it off when it is still buttoned and zippered. Anyway, I was super shocked and wanted to try size 00 but I didn't want the attendant to think I was some weirdo who just tried on 3 pairs of jeans without buying anything hahaha.

I don't think I'm *that* skinny yet so my explanation for how I was able to fit into a 0 is because they were "stretch" jeans. Which I think is supposed to mean that they are meant to be easy to wear? I reallyyy have no idea! But it was exciting nonetheless~

*Isobel - This is going to be so much fun! I've also emailed you back :D For all you readers out there we're starting a fast on Monday at midnight if you'd like to join :) So far the length is undetermined!
*VictoriaCrimson - LOL! Wow you totally got me, but yes, shorts, skirts and thigh-high socks are my clothing of choice. I actually got the nickname "no pants" because of this ahaha.

I want to thank all my followers and those who commented, I appreciate you all so much! I really never imagined anyone would care much for just another weight blog :)

Oh my gosh I'm down to 102.8 lbs!! So I basically started my 60 hour fast at 105.8 lbs, ended at 102.6 lbs, ate approximately 800 calories, weighed 103.8 lbs, did another 36 hour fast and I'm DOWN to 102.8! I suppose fasting works then? :3 Hehehe.

Anyway, I'll be ending October 2010 with my 0246 plan so today I'm having:
-1 cup Fiber One Cereal (120 cal)
-1 cup Trop50 Orange Juice (50 cal)
-1 egg, boiled (17 cal)
-1 Sugar Free JELL-O (10 cal)

Total: 197 calories
Fat: 2.1g
Carbohydrates: 63.2g
Protein: 8.6g

Starting November 1st I'll be doing 0135. Super excited! I'm thinking I should allow one "free" day each week to eat craving foods (like pizza and fries-so unhealthy I know!) but keep it to below 800 calories. Usually when I restrict I'm conscious of fat/carb/protein content as you can tell so I don't allow myself these other foods. HOPEFULLY, this will keep me from binging.

OH and I've also been thinking about rewards. Obviously I don't want anything food-related but I'd love it if I could get some ideas :) For 101 I was thinking a mani/pedi since my current polish is pretty messed up but I've been too lazy/cheap to get them done again. I'm not sure what to do at 98.5 lbs though. What would be a good intermediate reward?

For my UGW I know that I want to get True Religion Black Stella Skinny Jeans in as small a size as I can fit into. This is a pretty big deal to me because I have literally worn jeans only once in more than 2 years now. Why you ask me? Because I think I look disgustingly fat in jeans. I hate how they accentuate all the fat on my thighs and butt and hips and stomach. Thus, I have not bought a pair of jeans since senior year of high school and I'm happy to say that they are too big for me now :)

Even though my UGW is at 95.5 lbs I only arbitrarily decided that # because it is 17.5 BMI for me which is the borderline between underweight and anorexic. I'd like to state clearly that I do NOT want to be anorexic. I just want to be skinny and I've decided that being skinny means having a 23" waist. So. I guess we'll see what happens?

So yesterday I would say I had around 800 calories max which I think is pretty good. I'm really proud that I didn't binge AND i didn't get those fries :)

Unfortunately, I'm up to 103.8 lbs. I suppose it could be much worse, and I think it's pure justice that I'm exactly at my pre-binge weight. Really wish I could have kept going to a complete 3 full days. 72 food free hours. It's bugging me :(

I've read up on why I felt so terrible and I think it's because I had *really* low blood sugar levels. I had a lot of the symptoms and one of the causes: not eating. Haha. Well. Anyway I've been recommended to have a little honey next time for glucose which sounds perfect. 1 tablespoon is the usual serving but I'll probably have 1 teaspoon instead which is 20 calories. I can deal with that, although I don't know if I could really call it a perfect fast if I do have it... Something to think about. Anyone else know how I can prevent my blood sugar levels from crashing *without* eating?

Still debating whether I should do a 36 hour fast today or eat 200 calories max. I'm definitely leaning towards a fast :) Even if it was only for 24 hours. I already miss the feeling of my stomach being so flat and how I was totally empty of EVERYTHING.

It's funny. Every time I reach a new low I start to think that it's not good enough and I want to go lower. Remember how I kept saying I wanted to be in the 104's? Now I think that's shit and I'm dying to go back down to the 102's... It's messed up that I can't even be happy about my weight for more than 5 minutes.

Oh yes, I forgot to mention but I've bought Apple Cider Vinegar and I am once again at a loss as to how I should consume it. I tried putting it in my water and it seriously tastes like shit. I had to dump the water out x_x Grr. It's hard to figure out how to incorporate all these supplements. On another note, my desk looks quite strange because I have 3 1.5L Water Bottles, a box of Lipton Green Tea, Cinnamon, Cayenne Pepper, and now the ACV. I could run an apothecary soon enough hahaha.

*morbid.diathesis - Aw thank you, although it seems I haven't lost as much as I thought considering my new "maintenance weight"!
*Isobel - Yes definitely! It *was* rather lonely doing this for the first time by myself :) I'm sure we can get past a measly 60 hours next time!
*EvaPuedeVolar - Juice fasting is a great idea. How many calories did you allow yourself per day? And I'm glad my comment cheered you up a little, a big part of being in this community is to be there for each other through our high's and low's :)

Only 4 more days to reach 101.

I CAN DO IT.
I CAN DO IT.
I CAN DO IT.

102.6 lbs at the end of a 60 hour water fast for a total loss of 3.2 lbs. Not bad at all. In fact I wasn't expecting much of a loss in such a short time. It's also a new low :) However I have to say, the past 30 minutes have been hell.

I tried going back to sleep after a few hours and I woke up again at around the 60 hour mark. I felt extremely weak and achy. My heart was pounding hard and I was nauseous. Of course, my first thought was to go and pee so I could weigh myself. Anyway, long story short, I stumbled to the bathroom, thought I was going to pass out because I was so dizzy, and dry heaved into the garbage a couple times. Not exactly pleasant.

I still managed to take off my clothes and get out my scale though haha. I tried to eat a grapefruit but *someone* turned the temperature down in the fridge so it was literally frozen. I ended up eating some broccoli and rice. I feel so much better after eating :)

I really hope I can keep this weight off although I know I should expect that my weight goes up to the 103's tomorrow. Kate and Minus Human thank you for your advice and concern! I think this experience has taught me that 2 1/2 days is my limit (for now) but I think I'll stick to restricting for awhile before I attempt another fast.

I'm so so so close to my goal weight. I have 5 more days to reach it!

53 hours into the water fast. 103 lbs. Amazing. Now I'm just scared that this isn't actual weight that'll stay off when I start eating again. I'm going to be so devastated if I gain it all back the next day. Arghhh.

The urge to eat really is psychological. My stomach growled a couple times and I was a little lightheaded and dizzy when I got up too fast once but otherwise, I haven't felt fatigued or gotten the urge to just *eat*. However, it took me awhile to go to sleep even though I was exhausted and I didn't stay asleep for very long. I've woken up after only 6 hours of sleep when I normally would be passed out for around 10-12 hours, especially since I hadn't slept much the night before. I wonder why restricting and fasting affects me like this although I hear it's pretty common.

I'm starting to finally feel the effects of fasting though. I have absolutely no energy and even walking to the bathroom was a challenge. My body is also aching a little but it may be due to the fact that I'm in ketosis. Yay for fat burning :)

I'm considering breaking the fast at 60 hours if I continue to feel this weak because I have a 4 hour Organic Chemistry Lab at what would be 65 hours into the fast. I'm not sure if I would be able to keep up with the activity and it takes me 30 minutes to walk there. I really really *don't* want to faint or anything in this class because it's also the class where I had to be taken to the hospital for my "stress attack" or whatever. It would be so embarrassing if something happened again.

At the same time I would love it if I could complete 72 hours. Or longer. I guess it depends on how I feel later on. I suppose my next dilemma would be what I should eat to end the fast. I know a lot of people say fruits, vegetables and soups are good but I don't think I've been fasting long enough to have to be that gentle with my stomach do I? To be honest the only thing I've been craving to eat this entire time are these specialty fries that are sold on my block that are so damn good!! There's no nutritional information for them since it isn't a franchise but I'm pretty sure that it's at LEAST 500 calories. What do I dooo :(

Kate, Minus Human and Jane Doe thank you for commenting! I do have the # of an ob/gyn I can make an appointment with but I've been procrastinating on that because it would mean having to go home which equals massive amounts of food laying around that I won't be able to stop myself from binging on. I have thought about going on the pill but... This is kind of silly but I don't like taking pills/supplements/vitamins/medicines and all that jazz. I like to think that I'm perfectly healthy and that I don't need any of them haha. I know that's very faulty thinking though sigh.

I can tell that I've gotten a little "bonier" but when I look in the mirror I look so damn FAT. I don't know why it is. I very much hope I feel skinnier at my UGW.

Down to 105 lbs. Thank goodness the weight is coming off relatively quickly. I'm back to Thursday's weight, and on Friday I reached 104 so hopefully I'll see the same progress.

I am now in the 28th hour of my water fast. I also have another Organic Chemistry test in 15 hours. My concern is that since I have to spend so many more hours *awake* so I can study I may be more tempted to eat. I usually sleep a lot more when I fast. I'm determined to make it to 48 hours at least though. After thinking about it, I would ideally want to stop the fast when I reach 103 lbs or below. That way, from November 1st to December 28th (my birthday) I'll have approximately 8 weeks to lose 8 lbs to reach my UGW which is DEFINITELY possible.

There's something that's starting to worry me. I'm not entirely sure if this is eating related but I haven't had my period in 2 months now. I never had it very regularly and it was more of a month-and-a-half cycle rather than every month, but still. Starting to freak out juuuust a little.

I'm hungry but one little glance at the mirror is enough to convince me that eating isn't worth it. It's funny that I started out thinking I would be happy if I lost weight through restricting a little and that I would never resort to fasting. Or starving as some would argue. Well... I guess all I can say is that people change. I've changed. I'm certainly not the same person that I was last year. It's a bit sad.

OH and I can't believe I have 10 followers! Thank you all for reading :) You all keep me accountable for my actions, so when I say I'm going to do something here I feel even more motivated to succeed haha.

I hope everyone is doing well <3

***Update:
Weighed myself again after 6 hours. 104.6 lbs :) I know that weight fluctuates a lot when you fast due to water or whatever it is, but that's not going to stop me from counting it hehe.

***Update:
104 lbs after another 6 hours. Hmmm really hope this isn't water weight because this is kind of sounding too good to be true!

***Update:
41 hours in. 103.6 lbs!!! A new freaking low that I haven't had in years. I HAVE to be doing something right :)

So. I decided to eat my craving foods rather than fast. Who's surprised? Definitely not me. Anyway, I was really disappointed they didn't taste as good as I remember them being. Why is this?? Totally unfair.

Yesterday was definitely a binge day. Ate my sashimi, ziti, and another half box of those freaking Ritz PB Cracker's. However, I would like you all to know that I have thrown the rest out. I cannot DEAL with them being in my vicinity anymore (since my room is in the kitchen/dining room). Doubt my roommate cares, but seriously if I eat one more of those damn things...

I weigh 105.8 lbs today. Down 1/2 lb but still up 2 lbs from Saturday. Drastic measures must be taken so I'm doing a 72 hour water fast. I was going to do two days to make up for my two day binge but since you start burning fat on the 3rd day I figured I may as well lengthen it. However, regardless of what happens, I MUST complete 48 hours. It may be hard to do the 3rd day if my roommates mention something so I'll have to account for that.

There is only one more week left before November 1st which is when I planned to be 101 lbs. 7 day to lose 5 lbs. Possible? Not sure. But I at least have to do whatever I can to make it. I'm forgoing my usual plans for now.

It's time to starve.

Guess who binged yesterday. That's right, me. Disgusting fat uncontrollable useless me. The 600 went well. Then I get a call from my dad wanting to eat out with me and I couldn't think of an excuse fast enough!!

We went out for ramen. I ate about 3/4 of it :/ Then OF COURSE I thought "well fuck it all" and bought a giant double chocolate cookie (you know what I'm talking about). I then consumed three packs of those Ritz Peanut Butter Cracker's. Darn my roommate for restocking on those.

I'm so thankful my stomach has shrunk because I was in incredible pain just from this amount of food. Even sitting up was making me lightheaded and I think if anyone was to poke my stomach right then I would have vomited it all up. I suppose the only good thing is that I managed to do a really good #2 (sorry if tmi) which I haven't been able to do in awhile. That should have gotten some of it out hopefully.

Total: <1500 calories
Weight: 106.4 lbs

Fucking disgusting. I just pushed myself back 4 days, I weigh EXACTLY the same as after my last binge. Fasting today, I'm excluding the tea because I've read that it requires energy to digest which defeats the purpose of a fast. I'm so pathetic, I mess up when I'm losing and I mess up when I'm gaining and I mess up when nothing is happening in the slightest.

It really is strange that I find fast days and low calorie days easy to accomplish in comparison to 400 and 600. I'm determined to keep my metabolism going (which at this rate is no problem if I keep binging like a crazy person) but all the same. All I desire is to eat nothing and to not WANT or NEED anything.

I suppose the highlight of my day was when I saw my sister after about a week and she asked me how much I weighed and that I looked "anorexic skinny". Ha! Yea right. BUT, she is the only person I trust to be honest about how I look so if she said I looked skinny(er) then I believe her. The only problem is that I'm not skinny ENOUGH. I won't ever be as long as I have all these fat rolls clinging to my body.

Actually now I'm kind of wondering if I should forgo my fast today and do it tomorrow. That stupid cheesy potato has come back to life and my roommate mentioned wanting to make it today. I also can't get my cravings out of my head (which happen to be baked ziti and sashimi). I'm thinking I might sacrifice a day to let myself get even fatter so I can have these foods considering I literally have not eaten either of them for... I can't even remember. Definitely over a month.

I can't decide. Eating would mean that there is a CHANCE to satisfy my cravings so I won't want to mess up as much or it wouldn't do anything for me except make me weigh even more tomorrow. If I don't eat, I know I could do well all day but if my roommate decides to actually go through with that dratted potato then I have no way out since she asked me about it specifically. Argh.

My thoughts only revolve around food skinny eating fat. Not particularly in that order.

I am officially in the 103's. 103.8 to be exact. I cannot believe I have finally beaten this stupid plateau!!! This is amazing. Less than 3 lbs to reach Goal 1!

As I was laying in bed last night I could feel my hip bones so well. Now, I'm not all that into bones but I couldn't stop touching them. At last, I'm uncovering "myself" under all the flab that I carelessly put on. Not any more.

600 calories today. I'm going to complete it and then move onto 0135. Every plan I do is only designed to train myself to need less and less. It's working :) Here's what I'm eating:

-1 cup Fiber One Cereal (120 cal)
-1 cup Trop50 Orange Juice (50 cal)
-1 Amy's Texas Veggie Burger (130 cal)
-1 large Banana (121 cal)
-6 egg whites, boiled (103 cal)
-1 small Grapefruit (64 cal)

Total: 588 calories
Fat: 5.5g
Carbohydrates: 125.7g
Protein: 40.2g

It's amazing what you can fit into 600 calories. Seems like so much food to me haha. 103.8 also means that I am officially into a BMI of 18.99. Woot! I can't wait to be 101.

I've also figured out that I need to lose about 1 lb a week if I want to reach my UGW by my birthday. This is completely feasible and I'm going to make sure I succeed. To be 95.5 lbs would be like a dream...

104. One entire pound less. I am so incredibly pleased, but there are still 3 more pounds to go before I reach my first goal weight. I need to keep pushing through.

I've noticed that there is now a noticeable gap between my thighs. I can't wait for it to widen <3 My clothes are also looser, I'm wearing a cute mini skirt that used to fit me perfectly but I've been pulling it down all day because it's so loose and it keeps riding up. Haha I need a belt.

Yesterday's 198 calories went perfectly and today is 400 max:

-1 cup Fiber One Cereal (120 cal)
-1 cup Trop50 Orange Juice (50 cal)
-1 Amy's Texas Veggie Burger (130 cal)
-2 egg whites, boiled (34 cal)
-1 large peach (61 cal)

Total: 395 calories
Fat: 5g
Carbohydrates: 92.5g
Protein: 24.6g

In terms of exercise I've decided to cut out lunges because I think I'm gaining too much muscle in my calves. My worst nightmare would be getting one of those muscle bulges there that NEVER go away. Same goes for those jumping jacks. My goal is to reach 100 reps each (except dumbbells) because I usually get through 50 then I'm exhausted. Not good enough.

I'm one step closer to my UGW but I have to remember that I still have a lot more to go. Already nervous about tomorrow's weigh-in.

Well, I made myself eat after 36 hours even though I really didn't want to :/ I want to see 104 tomorrow so freaking bad. I'm starting to figure out that the time's I binge are when I feel absolutely hopeless about my weight. The more I anticipate loss, the more depressed and angry I get when it turns out that I've either stayed the same or increased. It's so pathetic that my entire day is controlled by the very first # I see in the morning. I wish I wasn't so weak.

Everyday is like walking through a hazy dream. I'm on autopilot all the time. I go to class, think about what I'm going to eat or not eat, smile at my friends, berate myself for being so fat, hang out with my roommates, and the day FINALLY ends with me going to bed hoping hoping HOPING that I will weigh less tomorrow than today. Then when I finally am able to sleep, away from my obsessive thoughts, away from other people, and most importantly away from food, my dreams come to life.

They seem so real. I feel more in touch with "reality" during them than any other time when I'm awake. Unfortunately, they are rarely pleasant. Last night was rather nightmarish as I saw myself accepting a bite of food that was offered to me (like the poisonous apple in Snow White), putting it into my (traitorous!) mouth and feeling it slide down my throat (like I imagine a slimy worm would). It's at this point that I finally regained my senses and I immediately threw it back up before it could get into my stomach. I woke up in a panic, feeling my throat for the piece of food I was *sure* was still there.

I forgot to mention it but I was 105 lbs today. I was ecstatic at first, for losing all the weight I gained during my binge. Then the feeling of self-loathing came over me for STILL not going below 105 and for wasting a day on a binge when I could have been losing more weight. It's not even that I enjoy the taste of food anymore. I ate all the foods that I normally can't get enough of but I could not be satisfied. I ate and ate and ate for nothing. No cravings to quell, no emotions to release, no happiness to be found. All I had was a burning hatred for myself.

THE GOOD: Completed a successful fast today.

THE BAD: I weigh 106.4 lbs.

THE UGLY: Roommate changed her mind about sushi. Pissed at myself and pissed at her for letting me get the idea that I could "let" myself binge over something that didn't even happen.

My weight graph on fitday.com shows me that I've been gaining less weight after every binge which is very relieving to me. Plus, these one day fasts have been really easy. I'm DYING to see how long I can go but the sensible side of me says that I would only be setting myself up for another binge. I have to maintain order over my body because if I can't even manage this much then... I can't possibly control anything else.

I also exercised more than usual and got my heart rate up. I'm achy now but I love it! It's just another sign that hard work gets you somewhere. I did:

-5 sets dumbbells
-100 squats
-50 lunges
-50 crunches
-50 leg lifts
-100 jumping jacks
-25 single leg lifts

Actually, now that I've written it all out here it kind of looks pathetic. Like I should have done a lot more. Still, to me this was a pretty hardcore workout haha. It sucks that I have to arrange doing these exercises when both of my roommates are either not at the apartment or are sleeping. Don't want to give them another reason to suspect me.

I'm doing 200 calories tomorrow with the exact same plan as on Monday although I think I'll cut down the cinnamon and cayenne pepper to 1/4 teaspoon instead. There just isn't enough food to realistically incorporate these spices without feeling like I'm torturing myself lol.

IWANTINEEDINEEDNEEDNEEDTOBESKINNYIFIMNOTSKINNYTHENIDONTHAVEANYTHING.

105.0 lbs on the dot. WHY! I really did think I was going to get into the 104's, my stomach has shrunk half an inch since last week :( Perhaps it's water weight?? I only drank about 1L of water when I usually drink 3L, and supposedly your body holds onto any water if it thinks that you're even slightly dehydrated... Fml.

I definitely have to get sushi with my roommate today. So I thought, well, if I can't do 400 calories today, I must as well let myself do a healthy binge (as in eat when I want but can't be fattening). Then I ate a KitKat bar. And it wasn't even mine (I NEVER eat other people's food). It was 70 delicious but agonizing calories. Even as I write this I am consuming Ritz Peanut Butter Cracker Sandwiches at 200 calories per pack. I have just eaten 1/3 of a pack. Someone stop me.

.........

All done. Wow ok, I've just eaten more in the span of 10 minutes than I did for all of yesterday. Shit. Now I'll just have to count this as 270 calories for today and *somehow* hold off until after class to eat again which is at like 9pm. 14 hours to go. I'm probably going to have to take an Adderall, this is stressing me out. I don't want to binge (although I basically already have) and I only have like 7 hours left to study. Eek!

So disappointed in myself. I hate that when I binge like this I somehow rationalize it out in my head beforehand that it's "alright" to let myself eat something when it's NOT! Well, I'll try to be positive and take it as an excuse to start 0246 over and do another fast day tomorrow. It's true when people say fasting can sometimes be easier than restricting. It's all about the mindset!

Thank you for commenting btw <3 They really cheer me up!

________________________

*Edit: I am a glutton for punishment. Just ate 2 bananas with cinnamon a mere 30 minutes after my binge-fest. The positive side of me says "At least it's really healthy and now you definitely can't make yourself eat anymore even if you tried!" while the dark and nasty side of me hisses "Great, you just ate 270 calories which makes your calorie count exactly DOUBLE what it was 30 minutes ago!! You deserve to feel sick, you have 540 calories in you now dumbass!"

I never come out a winner.

My 1st reaction to cayenne pepper: HOLYARGHHHMOTHEREFFINNNNGSHIT! Which is funny because I'm Korean and I'm supposed to be used to spicy stuff. And I THOUGHT I was. Today sure proved me wrong. It could also be the fact that my bite was completely covered with cayenne pepper... Well, I ended up eating it with dill pickles. It was actually not that bad, but I could only get through about 1/2 of the 1 teaspoon that I measured out. Lesson learned!

I only ate the dill pickles because I *knew* I was about to binge so I had about 5 of those. It comes out to maybe around 20 calories? They're labeled "0" but I just tack on 4 calories since I know that there is no such thing as 0 calories (I wish!) and it's legal to put "0" as long as it's less than 5 calories. Which is such bullshit. Anyway, I've diverted a crisis so wooo go me! However, that still makes my total a freaking 217 calories. Ugh.

I can tell that my stomach shrunk a little bit. I love this feeling :) It's so frightening to know that I almost ruined it today. Makes me shiver just thinking about it.

On another note, I wish my roomies/best friends could be a little nicer at times :/ Today my guy roommate called me "so weird" again for eating egg whites. This is coming from the person who literally lives on McDonald's, Chipotle, General Tsao's Chicken, and basically any kind of fried chicken. I'M the weird one?? He's lucky he's so skinny because I'm just waiting for the day his metabolism doesn't cooperate anymore and I can say "I told you so".

Then my girl roommate called me while I was studying at school for my midterm and she demands that I come back to the apartment because she saw a mouse (that we've seen running around since yesterday). Now, my school is 30 minutes away and even if I had left right then, it wasn't like the mouse would still be hanging around waiting for me to get there. Not to mention that I had been focusing really well and didn't want to break my concentration. Of course, she doesn't get it and says "UGH you're not coming are you" and hangs up on me.

I can deal with people not getting me. But I'd really like them to stop being so condescending and making me feel bad about my "weirdness" or for not being "a good enough friend". After the phone call I tried studying again for another 30 minutes but I kept feeling guilty about my roommate and came back anyway. Surprise suprise, she was totally fine by then. Ok, I hope I didn't sound like a complaining, ungrateful bitch. Just had to get that out.

Hoping I'm in the 104's tomorrow!!

Special shout-out to *empty_pure, *Stacy, *kate fisher, *jd, and *Isobel, thanks so much for reading :)

So I started the fast yesterday weighing 107 lbs (<--this is why I hate going home) and today I'm back to 105.4 lbs. Why always 105 1/2 though??

The 36 hour fast was great. I wasn't hungry at all and I REALLY wanted to continue it today but of course, my roommate wanted to eat breakfast together. Sigh. I love her, but I DON'T WANT TO EAT! Having 200 calories today:

-1/2 cup Fiber One Cereal (60 cal)
-3 egg whites, boiled (51 cal)
-1 peach, large (61 cal)
-1/2 cup Trop50 Orange Juice (25 cal)
-1/2 tsp cinnamon
-1/2 tsp cayenne pepper
-3L water
-3 cups green tea

Total: 198 cal
Fat: 1.6g
Carbohydrates: 47.2g
Protein: 14.2g

Having the cinnamon with cereal was a little messier than I liked (considering I don't have it with milk) so I ate it with the peach which was pretty good :) Later in the day I'm going to "dip" the boiled egg whites into the cayenne pepper, thanks for the tip girls!

Btw, my doctor called me back about my blood results and turns out my cholesterol level is at 148 with the "bad" cholesterol (LDL i think?) at 62 and "good" cholesterol (HDL?) at 72. Healthy levels of total cholesterol are supposed to be under 200 so I'm feeling pretty good. Just looked this up, but apparently HDL levels above 60 means I'm somewhat protected against heart disease (and I'm way over :D) and less than 100 for LDL is optimal (and I'm way below!). Looks like I won't have to worry about my health for awhile~

Anddd my roommate wants to get sushi. I'm hoping she's forgotten about the whole potato thing by now, but great, a new obstacle. I know that it's really healthy (and I love sashimi) but I don't know how many calories they have!!!!!!

I've recently been researching about Apple Cider Vinegar which sounds pretty amazing. Basically its main ingredient, acetic acid, has been proven to stimulate the metabolism and lower blood sugar levels by 30%. I'm definitely intrigued.

Well, it turns out I'm *barely* 5'2". So yay? I weighed in at 106 lbs though. Argh. Can't muster too much resentment, there's really no one to blame but myself.

Went shopping with my mom today so I wouldn't have to pay for groceries myself (I'm really cheap :p) and I got:

-lipton green tea w/ red goji and raspberry
-bananas
-peaches
-grapefruit
-cinnamon
-cayenne pepper (another metabolism booster)
-fiber one cereal (it's damn expensive!)

I'm planning on having the cinnamon with my cereal, but not too sure what to do with the cayenne pepper yet. All I know is that I want to eat it lol.

Roommate's sick. Looks like no potato tonight thank goodness. Fast starts at midnight. Good chance to let my poor body get rid of all the disgusting stuff I've put in it. Kind of want to try a saltwater flush but one of the roommate's are always around so no chance of that happening. Really too bad.

Tomorrow's menu:
-water
-tea

Perfect :)

Ok, I've been thinking about it all day and I don't think I can stand doing another week of 1357. It's just too slow and I NEED to reach my UGW (or lower!) by my birthday which is 2 1/2 months away. 10 weeks left. Maybe I should do a countdown for motivation?

When I come back tomorrow night I'll do my grocery shopping so that I can start my fast Sunday morning. Personally, a fast for me means only water + tea, absolutely no food or drink with ANY calories. This will be good. It was literally torturing me ever since I weighed myself this morning.

I'm starting to go back to the plateau idea although I didn't want to believe it... I did some research on it and it's apparently really difficult to break through a "set weight" that you've had for a long time. Which for me has been years. Shit :(

I've only gotten really serious about restricting + eating healthier relatively recently, but I've had this messed up eating/weight/body image mindset for a lot longer than I thought. I found one of those "yahoo ask" questions that I made in h.s. where I was asking how I could lose more weight. Oh jeez >< And I thought I started getting insecure when I gained weight my freshman year of college (and reached my high weight EW) because I always thought I was way skinnier in h.s. Guess I didn't think so back then either. It's weird because I always look at my h.s. pics for motivation (my arms were sooo thin!).

I just have have to get through tonights dinner, tomorrow's breakfast/lunch and then I'll be BACK and free to do what I want. Oh wait, I forgot my roommate wanted to make some disgusting baked potato with cheese thing for me and my other roommate. AGH! Ok, best not to fight it (she called me anorexic again last night although I'm kind of obviously not) but I have to at least try to manipulate the situation so that she'll make it tomorrow night. That way I can further ensure that I will complete a perfect fast on Sunday.

Why am I so fat??

Gained more than half a pound, back up to 105.6. I don't know what it is, I was doing everything perfectly yesterday. Maybe because I only slept for 4 hours? I'm going to have to eat "normally" today which means I'm definitely going to gain. I feel really sad.

I want to go for 0246 immediately on Sunday when I get back but I think I should give 1357 another try. At least for one more consecutive week, and I'll add more green tea into the whole mix. I'm also trying to switch up the foods I eat so here's my new shopping list:

-lipton green tea (high # of catechins compared to other brands)
-cinnamon (helps metabolize sugar)
-grapefruit (it's basically a super fruit)
-peaches (for pectin which limits fat absorption)
-bananas (high potassium boosts metabolism)
-sugar free popsicles (very low calorie treat)
-sugar free jello (same as above)
-Amy's Mexican Tamale Pie (150 cal)
-Amy's Bistro Burger or California Veggie Burger-Light in Sodium (110 cal)

I've already eaten a few peanut butter crackers, an enchilada, a handful of popcorn, and about half a cup of mango sorbet after seeing my weight. What a disaster. What an appalling lack of self control.

So tired.

WAIT!! I just re-weighed myself, and I was 105.4, then I took off my clothes and I was 105.0 lbs exactly!! Holy shit, I need to be naked more often!

I'm determined to break into 104 by tomorrow.

105.6. EXACTLY the freaking same.

I didn't do any exercise yesterday, although I do have a project and midterm today... Still. No excuses. If I had just done them, I would probably weigh less now. Just for that, I'm going to add 100 jumping jacks. Who cares if it might disturb the people living below me. Exercise = burning calories = less weight. It's simple enough.

500 calories today. Looks like this:
-1 cup Fiber One Cereal (120 cal)
-1 cup Trop50 Orange Juice (50 cal)
-1 Amy's Enchilada (160 cal)
-2 egg whites, boiled (34 cal)
-1 Amy's Texas Veggie Burger (130)
-3L water

Total: 494 calories
Fat: 10.6g
Carbohydrates: 99.5g
Protein: 28.2g

I'm not sure why my weight is the same, but in the case that it is due to a plateau (which I doubt) then today's plan should get me out of it. Hopefully my exercise will also burn off most of the calories I'm eating.

Ran out of green tea, definitely have to get some more. It really does make me feel more full than just plain water, and I'll take any boost in metabolism that I can get.

Today's the last full day that I can completely control what I eat before I have to go home tomorrow and get weighed in by the doctor. I really need to do my best.

Do I honestly need any more motivation?

ONE OH FIVE POINT FREAKING SIX! Or 105.6 if you didn't get that haha.

I realized later that I didn't keep my promise from Monday's post but I think my weight speaks for me :) It really wasn't that difficult, I had the cereal during the day and the eggs at the night. The only hard part was trying to drink all of the water and tea. I might start counting how many trips I have to make to the bathroom within one day because I looked like a maniac!

Today is 300 calories so I will be having:
-1 cup Fiber One Cereal (120 cal)
-2 egg whites, boiled (34 cal)
-1 Amy's Texas Veggie Pattie (130 cal)

Total: 284 cal
Fat: 4.6g
Carbohydrates: 64.5g
Protein: 23.2g

Thought it would be more helpful if I could keep track of how much Fat/Carbs/Protein I'm eating each day. I really hope I pass the 105 mark tomorrow, considering that my metabolism HAS to have sped up a whole lot with the binge weekend and the green tea.

I'm really annoyed by the fact that I have to go home again on Friday because of a doctor's appointment on Saturday. I didn't mention it before but I had a "stress attack" or something in mid-September and I was taken to the hospital in an ambulance. Apparently it was caused by low levels of calcium (which prompted the cheese), underlying stress (although I wasn't stressed about anything... except my weight lol) and my hyperventilating (from freaking about because I literally could not move my body). I didn't know this before but when you hyperventilate, you don't get enough carbon dioxide (although it feels like you can't get enough oxygen).

*Sigh*. Regardless, my mom found a doctor and I'm supposed to get a checkup. Not worried about it though, the worst thing he'll say is that I need to take more vitamins. BUT I do want to get my weight as low as I can by then because the last time I went to a doctor I was 112 lbs I think (AGHH!!!) so I definitely want a new number in my records. I also want him to re-check my height because I was 5'2.5" last time I was measured (I round down to 5'2" so I have an excuse to lose more weight) so it would be nice to see if it's changed at all.

I've decided to just go to the gym when I'm home (it's really cheap) so while I'm at school I'll stick to calisthenics. I've kind of been doing random sets or whatever I feel like but I'm going to make a goal for each day. For now, it's going to be:

-50 lunges (25 each leg)
-50 squats
-100 crunches
-50 leg lifts
-30 dumbbell arm exercises

I know, I should really be doing more. But physically, I've always been pretty weak and it's a real challenge for me to even do this much. I need to be toned!!

Drinking my green tea now. 2.75L of water and 1 more cup of green tea to go.

107.4 lbs. Fucking 2.2 lbs. I really need to get my act together.

New plan for today:
-3L of water instead of 1.5L because drinking your weight in ounces is supposed to be more beneficial towards weight loss
-2+ cups of green tea for fat burning, increased metabolism and caffeination purposes

My weight HAS to go down tomorrow!!

Words cannot fully describe what a FAT SLOB I am. I should have realized that the chocolate cake fiasco would only be the start of a very long series of MINDLESS EATING! Long story short: I went home. I was surrounded by food. I ate said food. I got fatter. Now I'm back at my apartment and I can only HOPE that the damage wasn't too catastrophic (although any gain is catastrophic to me).

I'm scared of the scale in the morning but I know I'll deserve it. I'm starting 1357 and so tomorrow the only thing's I'll be eating are:

-1/2 cup Fiber One Cereal (60 cal)
-2 egg whites, boiled (34 cal)
-AT LEAST 1.5L of water

Total: 94 cal

I promise right now that my next post will be detailing a perfect 94 calorie day.

Just finished an entire piece of chocolate cake. I hate myself. I feel like I can sense all of the chocolate fat spreading throughout my body and making me fatter and fatter. Even my stomach is bulging out of my previously loose shorts. Fuck. My. Life.

I was doing so well too. At lunch I just had a small cup of lentil soup and half a 1 egg and ham sandwich with only 1 slice of bread. Then I ate the cake. I'm so gross. I definitely gained again and I'm trying not to cry. Fuck chocolate cake.

Fuck myself.

AHHHHHHHHHHH OMG I'M 105.4 LBS!!! I am so incredibly happy that I have FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY reached my low weight for the first time in 3 years!!!!! Everything I lose from this point on will be my new low weight! 101 here I come!

However, there are a couple problems. The first is that I have to have lunch with a friend today because it's her birthday. Sigh. I really hate having to spend $$$ on a meal that I don't even want to eat let alone enjoy.

Then I'm going home afterwards and I KNOW the house will be overflowing with cookies and cakes and snacks that my dad has baked for me to try or my mom has brought home from work (my family is unfortunately in the food industry). I have an incredible sweet tooth so it really takes all of my self-control to not eat an entire box of cookies in one sitting. I usually end up having to throw everything out and just tell my family I ate them.

Today and tomorrow will be a struggle (especially since I can't weigh myself at home because I don't trust the scale) but I'm very excited about Monday. In order to prepare for my new regimen of 1357, I've taken it upon myself to eat everything unnecessary that I have here at school. This includes the rest of the Fiber One Honey Clusters Cereal (thank goodness there's only like 1/4 cup left), about 4 slices of the Oscar Mayer Turkey Breast, the Sliced Lite Cheddar (I absolutely hate the taste and there are a lot left but I should at least *try* to eat a couple) and about 10 pears that my mom gave me last time I was home. Amazingly, they still look good even though I've had them in the fridge for about 2 weeks. Huh.

This way, when I get back on Monday I won't have any distracting or possible binge food. In fact, the only items I'll have are the Fiber One Original Cereal, the Kosher Dill Pickles, Organic Cage Free Extra Large Brown Eggs (the name is so lol), 3 boxes of Amy's Organic and Vegetarian frozen food, and 1 can of beans that I bought to try out but haven't been able to muster up the effort to eat because it was 120 calories per 1/2 cup. Ew. Oh and water.

It has been about a month since I started 2468 with many bumps in between (aka having to eat out or going home) but I have lost a total of 5 lbs. Not too bad I suppose, but I do think I could have done better. Well, if 5 lbs per month is the minimum I can lose in a month, then my goal for November 1st is to DEFINITELY be at my first goal of 101 lbs, which will give me about 3 weeks to lose 4.4 lbs. I can do it!

I can never be *truly* happy until I am skinny and toned. It's just a fact.

106.6 lbs. I'm a little happy, but I really wanna break through to the 105's. Yesterday was really great, I had the cereal over the course of the day (I tend to eat one piece at a time which takes me awhile) and I did a #2 when I got back from class (sorry if it's too much info haha) which was good considering I hadn't gone in like a week. I got a little "hunger high" if anyone knows what I mean. Felt awesome :) Today I'm having:

-1 cup Fiber One Honey Clusters (160 cal, don't want to waste the rest!)
-1 Amy's Texas Veggie Burger (130 cal)
-3 large egg whites, boiled (51 cal)
-1 cup Trop50 Orange Juice (50 cal)

Total: 391 cal

Now that I've been in the habit of eating like this for awhile, I've realized that I consider any serving of food that is over 200 calories to be overly excessive and completely off limits to eat. Even when I was picking out the specific Amy's brands to buy, I looked at every single label (and there were a lot) so that I could take the one's that had less than 200 cal. Veryyy interesting.

As for that Hollister job, they called me and said that even though they really liked me (huzzah!), they didn't have any more positions available for the one I wanted (sad...) but they recommended that I try the A&F store. Yay? Ahh, we'll see what happens.

I tried to do some weight exercises this morning and I guess I must not have any energy because I could barely do 5 repetitions when I usually do at least double that per set. So that sucks, but I have to run a lot of errands today and I'm hoping that'll help me lose some calories. Everything counts!!

I MUST reach my Ultimate Goal before my 20th birthday in 2 1/2 months. I keep hearing that whatever weight that you are by the time you reach 20 is the weight you'll end up returning to for the rest of your life.

Uh, no thanks.

Back down to 107... yay?? I totally don't understand my stupid weight. How do I lose 1.5 lbs after eating 800 calories the day before while gaining almost 2 lbs after a 600 day?? Freaking water weight. My happiness throughout the day is way too dependent on the number on the scale for a little water to mess me up.

Today's plan:
-1 cup Fiber One Cereal (120 cal)
-7 slices Oscar Mayer Turkey Breast (58 cal)
-1 large egg white, boiled (17 cal)

Total: 195 cal

Really looking forward to today. 800 calories make me feel like a complete pig nowadays. This past month has taught me a lot about what kind of foods are filling for me and won't make me binge and this is what I've determined so far:

-Fiber One Honey Clusters Cereal tastes too damn good. I've found myself reaching in for another handful more than a couple times which is NOT ok, so unfortunately it looks like I've got to stick to the Original.

-Kosher Dill Pickles are life savers whenever I get the urge to eat. The one's I have are supposedly "0" calories. Even though I know that it's probably somewhere between 0-5 and just rounded down, it's very helpful psychologically to just be able to nibble on something without worrying TOO much about calories.

-Boiling eggs are genius. I don't like yolk so I've only been eating the whites of it which is where the best part is anyway. Not only are they super low in calories (17!!) but they have an entire 3.6g of protein!! Also the act of boiling them for 15 or so minutes, then slowly peeling them almost makes me feel like I'm cooking hahaha.

-Cheese is useless. I bought some earlier for the calcium (because I was hospitalized at one point partly because they said I needed more calcium) but it has so much freaking fat in it and it just tastes so disgusting by itself. They are also really high in calories. Definitely no more cheese for me.

-The Oscar Mayer stuff is awesome but isn't filling at all. At least not for the amount that I allocate myself calorie-wise and in terms of price. So bye-bye Mr. Mayer!

-Amy's Vegetarian and Organic Brand is super useful for not only filling up the larger calorie days but also have really good amounts of nutrients that make me feel like I'm getting my money's worth. But the most important thing is that they keep me from getting bored :)

-I've also noticed that I seem to have completely removed fruits and vegetables from my diet. My reasoning so far has been that fruits have tons of sugar in them and are really high calorie (at least to me lol) and vegetables seem to take a backseat with me because... I actually don't know. Probably because I never liked salad? I'm starting to wonder if I should be working more on these food groups.

Turns out I don't have to go out to eat tomorrow so I'm really glad I can keep up with the 400 then. I've decided that on this coming Monday when I get back to school, I'm going to forgo 2468 and instead do 1357. Now, I know this may not seem like THAT big of a change, but I plan to wean myself down to doing 0246 (despite my misgivings about fast days). Honestly, at this point, I realize that I need to go way more extreme if I want to lose the weight that I want, and if fasting once in awhile helps me do that, then I'm all for it. Can't wait!

Holy shit. 108.4 lbs!!! That is a whole TWO fucking pounds. Why??? Is it because my metabolism is so slow that it wants to hold everything I eat, or is it just that I ate too much?? I don't know what to think, but this is absolutely the last straw. I have to go out and eat Friday-Sunday so I think I'll keep today's 800 and tomorrow's 200 and then on Monday I'm going to have to seriously reassess my diet because I think I have used up all of the 2468 effectiveness.

I want to cry.

But I can't. I have an interview with Hollister in an hour, and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't appreciate me coming in bawling my eyes out. However, I'm also quite sure that they don't hire fat people. Like me.

106.6 lbs. I want to be happy but it's such a small discrepancy that I don't feel I'm entitled to... At least not yet. Today's plan is:

-2 cups Fiber One Honey Clusters Cereal (320 cal)
-Amy's Texas Veggie Burger (130 cal)
-8 slices Oscar Mayer Roast Beef (80 cal)
-1 cup Trop50 Orange Juice (50 cal)
-1 large egg white, boiled (17 cal)

Total: 597 cal

I hope it's not my imagination but it feels like my stomach has shrunk a little bit. I wish I could measure it but I sent that tape measure I ordered to my home address. So now I'm torn between going home and getting it while having to eat whatever my parents give me, or just agonizing at school about my body measurements... Ugh.

I've been carrying Wasted by Marya Hornbacher everywhere with me so that I can read it when I have a spare moment. She's such an intense writer and I love how she never wastes a single sentence. It keeps me motivated to keep going because in all honesty, everything that I"m doing does not come even close to what she had to go through. It all comes down to me sucking it up and just staying in CONTROL.

Lately I've been obsessed with vegetarian meals as opposed to meat. I mean, I ate the Oscar Mayer for breakfast and I swear I loved it like a month ago but today I was seriously forcing myself to eat it. I just felt so relieved when I finished the package so I wouldn't have to eat it again another time. On the other hand, I bought the veggie burger just to try it out (it has so much more nutritional value) and I love it!! It's so yummy. I even went out last night to buy 5 other vegetarian dishes to try hahaha. The only problem is that they are super expensive :( Oh well. It's worth it.

Not looking forward to having 800 calories tomorrow.

Oh thank goodness, after my 200 day yesterday I've gone back down to 106.8. I've decided to just follow 24682468 rather than the 2468642 pattern I've been doing but if I don't see a difference in a week I think I'll change it up to 0246802468. Phew, feels good to have a plan in mind. The fasting will be hard but I think I could get through it. Today I'm having:

-1 cup Fiber One Honey Cluster Cereal (160 cal)
-6 slices Oscar Mayer Roast Beef (60 cal)
-1 Amy's Vegetable Burger Patty (130 cal)
-1 cup Trop50 (50 cal)

Total: 400

From the beginning I've also been loose about rounding the calorie count by going over but this has got to stop. I HAVE to have either the exact # of calories or a little less. No more overcompensating.

It would be really great if I could get past the 106.8 barrier tomorrow... In the past two years 106 has been my lowest, and 105 is the lowest in my memory (at this height). So theoretically these should be the hardest pounds to lose. I'm crossing my fingers.

I've also said in my first post that 101 is my ultimate goal weight but actually that's a lie... While it is definitely my FIRST goal weight, I think that in the end, I want to get down to 98.5 (BMI 18) and if possible 95.5 (BMI 17.5). And if I ever do reach that weight and I'm still not satisfied I think I'll go for 93 (BMI 17). Which I know is awful. Perhaps I have ED-NOS? I have symptoms of anorexia (aka never being satisfied with any weight) but I lack the actual characteristics to be labeled as such (like being only 85% of my recommended weight).

Regardless, all of these goal weights just lead to one conclusion: A brand new THIN me.

Shit. 108 lbs. Fucking depressing. Yesterday was my friend's birthday so I tried not to count calories and had some sushi and peanut butter crackers (aghhh!!!). What really sucks though is that I've been following the plan to the dot after the subway incident but my weight has NOT fucking changed at all. Today is 200 cal and I'm having:

-1/2 cup Fiber One Original Cereal (60 cal)
-1 slice Oscar Mayer Roast Beef (10 cal)
-1 Amy's Vegetable Burger Patty (130 cal)

I've already had the first two but I know that I can split the patty up to last longer towards the end of the day... But I'm really upset about my weight. I don't believe that fasting actually works (in terms of long term weight loss) but maybe it's something I should look into. Or maybe instead of 2-4-6-8-6-4-2 etc I should be doing 2-4-6-8-2-4-6-8? Or the 1-3-5-7-5-3-1 I was talking about earlier?

Help.