Thursday, October 21, 2010

Well, I made myself eat after 36 hours even though I really didn't want to :/ I want to see 104 tomorrow so freaking bad. I'm starting to figure out that the time's I binge are when I feel absolutely hopeless about my weight. The more I anticipate loss, the more depressed and angry I get when it turns out that I've either stayed the same or increased. It's so pathetic that my entire day is controlled by the very first # I see in the morning. I wish I wasn't so weak.

Everyday is like walking through a hazy dream. I'm on autopilot all the time. I go to class, think about what I'm going to eat or not eat, smile at my friends, berate myself for being so fat, hang out with my roommates, and the day FINALLY ends with me going to bed hoping hoping HOPING that I will weigh less tomorrow than today. Then when I finally am able to sleep, away from my obsessive thoughts, away from other people, and most importantly away from food, my dreams come to life.

They seem so real. I feel more in touch with "reality" during them than any other time when I'm awake. Unfortunately, they are rarely pleasant. Last night was rather nightmarish as I saw myself accepting a bite of food that was offered to me (like the poisonous apple in Snow White), putting it into my (traitorous!) mouth and feeling it slide down my throat (like I imagine a slimy worm would). It's at this point that I finally regained my senses and I immediately threw it back up before it could get into my stomach. I woke up in a panic, feeling my throat for the piece of food I was *sure* was still there.

I forgot to mention it but I was 105 lbs today. I was ecstatic at first, for losing all the weight I gained during my binge. Then the feeling of self-loathing came over me for STILL not going below 105 and for wasting a day on a binge when I could have been losing more weight. It's not even that I enjoy the taste of food anymore. I ate all the foods that I normally can't get enough of but I could not be satisfied. I ate and ate and ate for nothing. No cravings to quell, no emotions to release, no happiness to be found. All I had was a burning hatred for myself.

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