Sunday, October 24, 2010
Guess who binged yesterday. That's right, me. Disgusting fat uncontrollable useless me. The 600 went well. Then I get a call from my dad wanting to eat out with me and I couldn't think of an excuse fast enough!!
We went out for ramen. I ate about 3/4 of it :/ Then OF COURSE I thought "well fuck it all" and bought a giant double chocolate cookie (you know what I'm talking about). I then consumed three packs of those Ritz Peanut Butter Cracker's. Darn my roommate for restocking on those.
I'm so thankful my stomach has shrunk because I was in incredible pain just from this amount of food. Even sitting up was making me lightheaded and I think if anyone was to poke my stomach right then I would have vomited it all up. I suppose the only good thing is that I managed to do a really good #2 (sorry if tmi) which I haven't been able to do in awhile. That should have gotten some of it out hopefully.
Total: <1500 calories
Weight: 106.4 lbs
Fucking disgusting. I just pushed myself back 4 days, I weigh EXACTLY the same as after my last binge. Fasting today, I'm excluding the tea because I've read that it requires energy to digest which defeats the purpose of a fast. I'm so pathetic, I mess up when I'm losing and I mess up when I'm gaining and I mess up when nothing is happening in the slightest.
It really is strange that I find fast days and low calorie days easy to accomplish in comparison to 400 and 600. I'm determined to keep my metabolism going (which at this rate is no problem if I keep binging like a crazy person) but all the same. All I desire is to eat nothing and to not WANT or NEED anything.
I suppose the highlight of my day was when I saw my sister after about a week and she asked me how much I weighed and that I looked "anorexic skinny". Ha! Yea right. BUT, she is the only person I trust to be honest about how I look so if she said I looked skinny(er) then I believe her. The only problem is that I'm not skinny ENOUGH. I won't ever be as long as I have all these fat rolls clinging to my body.
Actually now I'm kind of wondering if I should forgo my fast today and do it tomorrow. That stupid cheesy potato has come back to life and my roommate mentioned wanting to make it today. I also can't get my cravings out of my head (which happen to be baked ziti and sashimi). I'm thinking I might sacrifice a day to let myself get even fatter so I can have these foods considering I literally have not eaten either of them for... I can't even remember. Definitely over a month.
I can't decide. Eating would mean that there is a CHANCE to satisfy my cravings so I won't want to mess up as much or it wouldn't do anything for me except make me weigh even more tomorrow. If I don't eat, I know I could do well all day but if my roommate decides to actually go through with that dratted potato then I have no way out since she asked me about it specifically. Argh.
My thoughts only revolve around food skinny eating fat. Not particularly in that order.
Posted by not.quite.ana at 2:28 PM