Wednesday, December 8, 2010

I hate how my roommate always surprises me by looking at my laptop screen when I don't expect it. I don't usually have time to change it to something "normal" i.e. not eating/weight/dieting/nutrition/calorie related so I end up making something stupid up.

For example I was reading an ED poem called "Death of a Thousand Cuts" that I found through *anna~'s blog and I quickly scrolled down the screen but not before my roommate was like "What are you reading??? I just saw 'Death of a Thousand Girls'" (who knows what she was thinking of). I was freaking out and I said "Nooo it was 'Death of a Thousand Cats!'". Lol I can be really dumb... I wish I was wittier (this is assuming I was had any wit in the first place)!

Another thing: I hate taking pictures but my friend took a couple at that birthday party I went to last week. It was the first time that I realized that I DO look sickly. I have huge bags under my eyes and even though I'm not that pale my face was pasty looking. At the time that the picture was taken I thought I was smiling but in reality it looks like I'm grimacing.

I guess that's the price I pay.

Jeez I looked awful though, the first thing I'm doing when I hit my UGW is pampering myself and making sure my face matches my body haha. Screw the cost. It'll be worth it :)

Anyway. Back to business.

Day 31

24 hours of no food and I'm only freaking 101.4 lbs.

I'm starting to lose hope guys... I want to be *95* so bad but don't know if it's going to happen by my birthday. I know I can lose the weight by then but I just don't think I can maintain it through Christmas and while I'm at home.

And when I lose hope I eat.

I can tell that my will power is waning. 24, 36, 48 hours of water fasting used to be so easy. It only got harder by the time I got into the 3rd day but for some reason I had more than a couple close calls in this 24 hour fast and I don't know why. I think my feeling now is that "I'm never going to reach 95 so fuck it all". Except that I CAN'T "fuck it all".

I want to eat and I know that LOGICALLY there is nothing wrong with eating but I can't. It's like, if I can't even go 24 hours without food then I'm a Big. Fat. Failure.

Well... I said I would fast until I was back in the 99's but I'm too tired and weak. See, this is what I mean about giving up!! I'm becoming a stupid quitter. I am now officially one of those people who constantly make resolutions and promises that they never keep and yet keep on making new ones anyway.

Fuck me.

I'm going to go eat now. Don't know what exactly.

Food is wasted on me. I wish I could give it all to someone more deserving.

I'm a terrible, terrible person...

I'm loaded with work this week but I'll respond to comments as soon as I get the chance. Thank you all so much for sticking with me through fat and hopefully thin!


  1. You are not a terrible person, far from it in fact.

    This self hatred has got to stop - I wont allow it!! For one thing, you are the kindest sweetest girl in the world and you have kept me going these past few months. So how could you possibly be terrible?

    I'm going to email so I'll write all my personal ramblings there - however let me just add that what with all the pressure you are under at school, it's ok to ease the pressure that you put on yourself. It's alright! I promise :)

    As for nosy roommates - I can't tell you how many times my bf has nearly caught me - and it's awful but I go on pro ana blogs allllll the time at work and my colleagues have definitely seen those.


    Love you and guess what...I'm writing your letter!!!!!


  2. Oh my goodness, I know all about the horrors of having a roommate. I had one for the past three years, and it's only now that I've been able to get my own room. ):

    No, no, no you are NOT terrible!! Your comments on my blog always cheer me up so much--and I've only known you over blogging for a little over a week, if not less!

    "Getting back" after a food mishap is always a gradual process, anyway. For me, it usually takes at least three days. Actually, I'm struggling with a "binge-recovery" at the very moment and it's not going too well. But in the next few days, I know we'll both be able to get our proper frame of minds back and then the pounds will come back off! And at the very least, our metabolisms will be a little faster after eating, which will make losing weight all the easier!

    I really hope things go better for you! You've been so kind to me during these first couple days of my initial blogging...I can only hope the best for you!

  3. No no no, don't think like that hun! Okay, yes, maybe you won't be able to maintain 95 through the holidays, but GET there first. Seriously, you can make it! Once you get there, you'll actually see what you're capable of and you'll be extra strong throughout the holidays. Don't let your will power go so easily! You're right, you CAN'T fuck it all. You've come so far, put in so much effort...don't give up now. We're all rooting for you.

  4. Perhaps your roommate needs to be told to mind her own business? You LIVE there. Why should you have to justify what you are reading?

    You can meet your goal! This is just one of those times when the scale refuses to move regardless of what you do. You know as well as I do that you will wake one morning and all of a sudden 3 pounds will be magically gone. :) Plateaus don't make you a terrible person.

  5. It sounds like you're really having a hard time. I'm really sorry hon. But you're so strong. You make me keep going even when I want to give in and down about 10 cheeseburgers (small exaggeration). If you need to take a one day chill break. Do it but YOU CAN NOT GIVE UP. You will be thin. You will beat me there. And if you don't I don't know what I would do without all of your constant support.

    So make small goals. That helped me. I said I'll make it to 210 instead of I'll make it to 130. Then I set a date I had to reach it by and even gave myself an extra day to get there. And guess what? I did it. Today, a day early. And now I'm going for 205.

    Let's say you have a free day and end up around 102.6 tomorrow (I know, big number, don't freak out). Let's aim for .4lbs a day and at least get that everyday until your birthday. If you actually get .4lbs everyday I did the math and you'd be at 94.6 on the 28th. Don't you want this? I'll make you a deal, you do this and I will lose .5 everyday with you so that when you reach your ultimate goal weight I will be at 200, right on the brink of the 100s!

    We can do this. And remember, you can txt me before, during, after any binge. I will try to respond as soon as I can. One of the key things about ana is that you only fail by giving in. Not by going as slow as you have to.


  6. Cheer up, sweetie. I think it might work better if you restrict instead of fast. It'll help your metabolism out.