I hate how my roommate always surprises me by looking at my laptop screen when I don't expect it. I don't usually have time to change it to something "normal" i.e. not eating/weight/dieting/nutrition/calorie related so I end up making something stupid up.
For example I was reading an ED poem called "Death of a Thousand Cuts" that I found through *anna~'s blog and I quickly scrolled down the screen but not before my roommate was like "What are you reading??? I just saw 'Death of a Thousand Girls'" (who knows what she was thinking of). I was freaking out and I said "Nooo it was 'Death of a Thousand Cats!'". Lol I can be really dumb... I wish I was wittier (this is assuming I was had any wit in the first place)!
Another thing: I hate taking pictures but my friend took a couple at that birthday party I went to last week. It was the first time that I realized that I DO look sickly. I have huge bags under my eyes and even though I'm not that pale my face was pasty looking. At the time that the picture was taken I thought I was smiling but in reality it looks like I'm grimacing.
I guess that's the price I pay.
Jeez I looked awful though, the first thing I'm doing when I hit my UGW is pampering myself and making sure my face matches my body haha. Screw the cost. It'll be worth it :)
Anyway. Back to business.
24 hours of no food and I'm only freaking 101.4 lbs.
I'm starting to lose hope guys... I want to be *95* so bad but don't know if it's going to happen by my birthday. I know I can lose the weight by then but I just don't think I can maintain it through Christmas and while I'm at home.
And when I lose hope I eat.
I can tell that my will power is waning. 24, 36, 48 hours of water fasting used to be so easy. It only got harder by the time I got into the 3rd day but for some reason I had more than a couple close calls in this 24 hour fast and I don't know why. I think my feeling now is that "I'm never going to reach 95 so fuck it all". Except that I CAN'T "fuck it all".
I want to eat and I know that LOGICALLY there is nothing wrong with eating but I can't. It's like, if I can't even go 24 hours without food then I'm a Big. Fat. Failure.
Well... I said I would fast until I was back in the 99's but I'm too tired and weak. See, this is what I mean about giving up!! I'm becoming a stupid quitter. I am now officially one of those people who constantly make resolutions and promises that they never keep and yet keep on making new ones anyway.
I'm going to go eat now. Don't know what exactly.
Food is wasted on me. I wish I could give it all to someone more deserving.
I'm a terrible, terrible person...
I'm loaded with work this week but I'll respond to comments as soon as I get the chance. Thank you all so much for sticking with me through fat