Friday, November 5, 2010
Long story short I ate more than I wanted to after ending the fast. Currently weighing in at 102.6 lbs. I know, it's a tragic #.
I was *supposed* to be taking it easy and have a few snacks but it really never works out that way. Anyway, I'm in the middle of a 36 hour water fast and tomorrow will be 24 hours of only 100 calories worth of orange juice. This way it'll be another 60 hours of no food which I'm banking on bringing me back down to the 100's.
I really LOVEHATELOVEHATE my scale. The #'s I see on it are paralyzing. The good day's tell me that as long as I keep on doing what I'm doing I'll have the "privilege" of continuing to have good day's. The bad day's tell me that I'm a fuck-up and I better get my ass in gear because otherwise I've just proven that I can't do this one single thing for myself.
So as I was sitting here and writing this post, I had a moment.
I was genuinely hungry today and I could tell because my stomach actually growled which it hasn't done for weeks.
And I thought "I'm starving". I told myself to shut up and deal because there was still 18 hours to go. Then I weighed myself every hour for 3 hours, looking for a sign to tell me if I was being good or bad.
It was the same # each time.
Afterwards, all I could think was -
I was miserable.
It was the kind of misery that I felt when I finally could no longer handle my weight and my body and my fat and my ugliness and my disgusting-obtrusive-revolting self.
It was the kind of misery that made me stop eating. Food became known as calories and it was how I judged my worthiness. Worthiness for what? For my perfect-beautiful-THIN self that I thought I would discover if I just worked harder for it.
It was the kind of misery that made me understand that right at this moment, I wanted to eat more than I wanted to get back down to 100 lbs.
So I ate.
And I'm not happy, but I'm not miserable.
I'm not sure where to go from here.
Posted by not.quite.ana at 7:08 PM