Friday, November 5, 2010

Long story short I ate more than I wanted to after ending the fast. Currently weighing in at 102.6 lbs. I know, it's a tragic #.

I was *supposed* to be taking it easy and have a few snacks but it really never works out that way. Anyway, I'm in the middle of a 36 hour water fast and tomorrow will be 24 hours of only 100 calories worth of orange juice. This way it'll be another 60 hours of no food which I'm banking on bringing me back down to the 100's.

I really LOVEHATELOVEHATE my scale. The #'s I see on it are paralyzing. The good day's tell me that as long as I keep on doing what I'm doing I'll have the "privilege" of continuing to have good day's. The bad day's tell me that I'm a fuck-up and I better get my ass in gear because otherwise I've just proven that I can't do this one single thing for myself.


So as I was sitting here and writing this post, I had a moment.

I was genuinely hungry today and I could tell because my stomach actually growled which it hasn't done for weeks.

And I thought "I'm starving". I told myself to shut up and deal because there was still 18 hours to go. Then I weighed myself every hour for 3 hours, looking for a sign to tell me if I was being good or bad.

It was the same # each time.

Afterwards, all I could think was -


I was miserable.

It was the kind of misery that I felt when I finally could no longer handle my weight and my body and my fat and my ugliness and my disgusting-obtrusive-revolting self.

It was the kind of misery that made me stop eating. Food became known as calories and it was how I judged my worthiness. Worthiness for what? For my perfect-beautiful-THIN self that I thought I would discover if I just worked harder for it.

It was the kind of misery that made me understand that right at this moment, I wanted to eat more than I wanted to get back down to 100 lbs.

So I ate.

And I'm not happy, but I'm not miserable.

I'm not sure where to go from here.


  1. -hugs tight-

    You are already so, so tiny. If you had that sort of realisation, maybe you're ready to try and... move past your problems with food? I'm in a frighteningly pro-recovery mood at the moment so please don't take that the wrong way...

    To be honest, your wee gain - it's a tiiiny gain - is probably mostly water weight. No matter how much you drink when you're fasting, it's almost impossible to keep your water levels right up. Furthermore, when you don't eat carbs your body has a hard time storing any anyway - so when they get back in, you overload. It'll probably sort itself out again in a few days or so.

    I hope you can figure out what's going on in your head. <3

  2. That's why I'm so iffy on fasting; once you finish a fast and eat something, your body holds on to everything!

  3. ya after fasting i freak out about what i eat afterwards too. Today i broke my 26 hour (lame! i know) fast, and i was forced to finish my lunch. FML. But i know it will get better for you. :)

  4. It makes me happy that you chose to eat and listen to your body over starving and the number on the scale. Although it drives us mad, we have to take back control, even if it's only for a while. There come's a point where you have to say - 'Fuck you scale I don't care!'

    Because we have our whole lives to be thin darling, and lets face it, we are already nearly there when you look at a 200lb woman in the street.

    So you went up a little, but you nourished yourself, and you stopped yourself from feeling miserable, if only for a while.

    Don't punish yourself, you are such a wonderful girl. You deserve the world.

    And don't you worry, we'll get there. xxxxx

  5. Hey, It's Nia.

    I've been reading your blog. It's rlly good girl! I started one to and I would mean a lot to me if you're read mine too. I hope you do better tomorrow - I know you will. I hate the feeling of guilt after you eat, It sucks soooo much. It's like I pick up the food and I look at it and try to mentally make my hand put it back but my hand won't budge and then I just look stupid so I make the wrong decision, buy it, and eat it ALL! Why does weight have to be so complicated? grrrrr!

    Still, you're doing great. Don't give up.

    Here's my blog: