Wednesday, November 3, 2010
41st hour of the water fast. I'm only 101.8 lbs. Trying not to feel too down about it. I'm not going to make assumptions about why my weight loss has been slowing down until the entire 72 hours has passed. As much as I want to start freaking out about how I'm not losing fast enough I'm just going to use this to fuel my determination to finish. At least I know that from this hour on I will be reaching a new low :D
I won't let myself down, I won't let Isobel down, and I won't let anyone who happens to read this blog down because I am NOT a quitter. I won't LET myself be a quitter.
I had another food dream (NIGHTMARE) last night. This time, my mom made this huge platter of Korean japchae (basically noodle/vegetable stirfry) and I knew I definitely did not want to eat it (although it's one of my favorite foods). To make it look like I was eating I took a really big bite but my intention was to chew/spit it. I'd like to mention I have never done nor had the urge to chew/spit before. Anyway, before I could spit it out my dad starts talking to me and I had to swallow it all :( I woke up again thinking that I ate it. These dreams are SO disturbing!
I had another dream when I went back to sleep but this one was much more pleasant :) I was in a department store and I was trying on all these jeans but all of them were huge on me! At the time I was getting upset because I couldn't find any that fit me but in retrospect, that's pretty much how I want it to be when I go jeans shopping hahaha.
I canceled on my friend btw, I was just EXHAUSTED and had no energy whatsoever. Tried to do some more exercises but I only got through 3/4 of what I did yesterday. Ew. OH and thanks for the pilates tip! I've kind of read up on it and it seems that it's most effective in a gym setting? Any recommendations on any "at-home" exercises? I'm too poor at the moment to buy a gym membership ;_;
Today's going be a long day. I have Organic Chemistry Lab which means walking 30 minutes there and back while standing/walking around for hours during class. Which I usually like. BUT it'll start around the 48 hour mark which is when I started feeling the really bad symptoms from the last fast. Well, hopefully I'll be ok because I'm pretty damn sure I won't be able to just take out my measuring spoons and honey while we're doing some random chemical experiment. Lol.
I've never *truly* known what addiction was until I started to actively lose weight. I am addicted to The Number. It tells me how I will feel for the rest of the day and if I deserve to be punished and what needs to be done to push myself further and what I will be eating (or not) for the next week. I am always, always genuinely hurt when The Number is higher today than it was yesterday no matter if it's a difference of 0.2 or... I can't even write it.
If only I could wear jeans without feeling like a complete fatass. If only I could look in the mirror and think that I was skinny enough. If only I could eat what I wanted and not frantically try to figure out how many calories I just consumed.
IF ONLY I COULD......
Posted by not.quite.ana at 10:51 AM