Day 6

I'm not a big believer in fate and destiny but I do believe in signs.

Like how I was weak and was going to buy a slice of pizza (I KNOW I'M A SLOB AND A FAT PIG) but the cafeteria had *just* closed by the time I got there.

Like how I was going to buy a bag of Apple/Cinnamon Chips for $1.50 (<--freaking expensive!!) but the vending machine only took $1 bills and no change. I conveniently fed it $1, realized I didn't have any more $1 bills and of course it wouldn't give me back my dollar.

Coincidence? I THINK NOT.

I'm so so so glad that I didn't eat anything until I got home. At least someone out there knows how fat I am and is actively preventing me from buying all this shitty food.

When I was in high school I was a DDR (Dance Dance Revolution) fanatic. I was such a nerd about it that I actually started a DDR club with my best friend. I eventually quit because I couldn't stand how the mat kept sliding when I was trying to do all the harder levels and therefore not letting me get all perfect's >:( But now I'm thinking about starting it up again but this time taping the mat to a piece of wood which apparently fixes the sliding problem.

I'm mentioning this because it is a SERIOUS workout if you do it nonstop for even an hour. I think I read online somewhere you can burn as much as 500 calories in an hour of intense "dancing"? I can't pass that up can I now hehe :3 I used to play for hoursss everyday! I was totally obsessed so I can't see it being hard to get back into :)

I was wearing shorts when I got home and according to my mother I was "too skinny" and according to my sister I looked "sick". They both also said that my legs looked like sticks. I was torn between feeling pleased and wanting to argue that I certainly WASN'T skinny or sickly looking and certainly did NOT have stick worthy legs (I wish!).

Well, I've learned from past experience that no matter how I try to describe how fat I am to other people I'm always met with either complete disbelief, exasperation or annoyance. I try to shut up about it now because I don't want anyone to think I have a problem... Although I'm not sure if I have one myself.

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I hate that when I walk I can see my thighs jiggle.
I hate that my thighs are curved at all.
I hate how huge my freaking calves are.
I have how it looks like I have cankles.
I hate how my toes look obese.
I hate how big my feet are.
I hate that my wrists are so huge.
I hate that my fingers look like fat french fries.
I hate how my upper arm is a chunky piece of flab.
I hate that I have chipmunk cheeks.
I hate that my stomach looks like I have a baby growing in there.
I hate how fucking enormous my ass is.
I hate that my neck looks like a tree trunk.
I hate that my shoulders look like they belong on a guy.
I hate how I'm always going to have the widest hips ever.

I hate it all.

...What's going to happen to me if I'm never skinny?