Day 23

103.8 lbs.

I'm so relieved.

Yesterday I had 1 Amy's Bistro Burger (110 cal), 1 cup Fiber One Cereal (120 cal) and 1 slice of bread (70 cal) for a total of 300 calories.

And I did two #2's. It was probably all the crap I ate over the weekend.

All in all it's a good start :)

Don't know if any of you remember this but about a month ago I had written that I hadn't gotten my period in about 2 months... Now it's been 3. I keep waiting and waiting for it but OMG I haven't had my period in 3 months!!

I'm 100% sure I'm not pregnant and I'm doubtful that it's because of my weight. I normally get my period every 1 1/2 months so I thought it was just being irregular as usual but it's been 3 months >< I really don't know. Tell me what you guys think!

I stopped getting my period around the time that I started really restricting but I wasn't eating *that* much before then so I think it's coincidental? Plus I frankly weigh way too much for "weight loss" to be a cause. I've also heard that eating "normally" after restricting for a long time will often prompt your period but considering how many times I've binged I know this can't be the case either.

What other reasons can there be? Am I deficient in something? Is this serious enough that I should be demanding an appointment with an ob/gyn like right NOW? Actually I don't think I could meet one anyway until the end of December but I just don't know how much of a problem I should be assessing this as.

*VictoriaCrimson - Awww thank you, you're always so motivating! I know I can always count on you :D
*miss alisha - Gasp, it's amazing how we're always around the same weight! Don't worry you're going to lose quicker than you can believe on 246!!
*Kate - It appears that you are completely right hahaha. A 2 lb loss in one day is definitely not logical unless it's attributed to "poo weight"! I hope we both can get to our pre-Thanksgiving weights soon!
*Isobel - IT'S OK! One day in the large scheme of things is not going to hurt you and 246 really is a foolproof way to lose weight! I can't believe tomorrow is December either... We WILL get through it together!
*Mich - Oooh I'm glad! Apparently it has been working well for you so I know I have someone to look up to when things are going hard ;)

Day 22

I was incredibly angry and upset yesterday and I didn't want to post my weight but it's time to own up.

Yesterday I was 106.0 lbs. Today I was 105.8 lbs.

Even though my weight is ridiculously high I am somewhat relieved that I actually lost slightly after eating the crazy amount of junk that I did yesterday (yes again). It's a bit encouraging to me because it means that this is my body's "set weight", I'm just glad that there is a cap to my weight gain!!

It will be December very soon. I had this whole plan written out that included a *lot* of fasting days, eating no more than 500 calories and... Actually that's about it haha. However, for the sake of my sanity I don't think that following a strict eating plan is going to be conducive for me right now.

I'm still not sure what I want to do yet. Well, the vague idea I have is that I am basically not going to eat anything for as long as I can and when I can no longer take it I will nibble on something and then resume not eating. Put this on repeat.

Totally unoriginal. But admittedly extremely effective (as long as I don't binge). Rather than put a daily caloric limit for each day I think I will instead restrict how much I am allowed to eat in each sitting. For example I may not eat more than 150 calories per "meal". Then if I only eat when the hunger becomes unbearable I should still be well below my BMR. After the past 4 days my metabolism had BETTER be up and running again. Seriously.

Turns out my plan is not so vague after all. Wish me luck?

And now for Comment Time!!!

11.24.10
Wow did I really reach my low weight not even a week ago? It's amazing how I can fuck up my progress so much... Anyway!
To *VictoriaCrimson, *Isobel, *bonesskinperfection and *liz:
You are all so very very kind to me. Thank you >< I wish I could express my appreciation for your comments in a more meaningful way but unfortunately no other words come to mind besides those two :) So once again: Thank you.

11.25.10
*Isobel - You are totally right. I don't know sometimes I just get so crazy and I can't STAND the idea that my eating is making me gain right at that moment (although it's ironic considering how often I binge). Sigh. I have to find the middle ground :/
*miss alisha - Haha I've actually surpassed my prediction of 105 lbs... Pathetic of me yes, but I promise, we will BOTH be in the 90's by Christmas!
*Fed Up - I am completely with you. I have to admit that I'm quite glad that I'm not the only one that uses weight as an indication to see if it's alright to eat! I'm going to try to wean myself off of this (not very healthy) habit but it's so addicting!
*Lola Rose - Aw don't worry about it! However I'm afraid that my "willpower" and "control" are completely atrocious so sending you a pinch would not be in your best interest! XD

11.26.10
*anna~ - Even though I love DDR in general, my primary motivation is definitely to burn calories while playing it! And LOL to no-thanks-giving, so cute!!!
*VictoriaCrimson - YAY I'M GLAD!! And I plan to hehe~
*tracy - Nooo of course I don't think it's creepy, there really is no "age requirement" to all this! I wish I could believe you, I wish I could believe everyone who tells me that, but I truly can't. However thank you, thank you for trying :)
*Isobel - Hurray you're back hahaha. I missed you very much love <3 Thank goodness I won't have to worry about another Thanksgiving until next year!!

11.27.10
*miss alisha - I am 100% back on the bandwagon. I won't have to go home again until Christmas and NOTHING can stop me from attaining my dream :) We are both so freaking close!
*Charlie - Yes. Let's!
*Isobel - I love your comments, you're always so encouraging! You're right as usual, I *did* anticipate this gain and now it's time to shape up! There's no use being all angsty and depressing haha.

11.28.10
*miss alisha - I may want to hurt myself but like you said, it'll be the WORST punishment if I don't reach my UGW. We WILL succeed.
*struggle2bethin - YOU CAN DO IT!! You have always been incredibly supportive of me and I want to do the same for you :) P.S. I'm following you!! :D
*Isobel - Oooh it would be so much fun if you came here! (Or if I could go there!) Maybe one day hehe~ It would be the perfect date! And believe me, I never get tired of your "epic shit", how could I when it keeps me so motivated?? <3
*Kate - Ah I'm going to keep your words in my head, it's just a little setback!! Nothing I can't overcome!!
*Sottile - GOOD LUCK!! I know what it's like to want that special dress to fit *just* right! Please keep me updated on how you're doing :)

Day 21

So. I'm 3 weeks into my 50 Day Resolution to my UGW. What do I have to show for it?

Something worse than Nothing.

Failure. Fat. Gain.

I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I'm devastated.

I want to bawl my eyes out. I want to scratch my disgusting mouth off my face. I want to pass out and never wake up so that I don't have to even *look* at food ever again.

But no. I must not be weak. I have to prove that I can be perfect, thin, happy.

All of which that I'm not.

It's ok it's ok it's ok.

I can make it I will make it I AM GOING TO BE SKINNY.

I'm really tired. Tired of myself. Tired of being fat. Tired of fucking food.

I weigh more today than I did yesterday. This isn't how things are supposed to go.

I need to be 98 lbs by Monday December 6th in order to be where I need to be by my birthday.

There's hardly any time left. There is no room for error.

Everything will be alright when I'm thin.

It has to.

My dad likes to bake.

Unfortunately, he's very good.

I eat Pecan Pie.

I eat Red Velvet Cake.

I eat Sugar Cookies.

I eat Chocolate Walnut Brownies.

I eat Pumpkin Pie.

I don't even like Pumpkin!

OR Brownies OR Red Velvet!

Sugar Cookies are the lamer version of Chocolate Chip and come on, who thought of Pecan + Pie??

But I don't have the right to be patronizing.

I. Eat. EVERYTHING.

So dad. Please. STOP BRINGING HOME SWEETS!

I can feel my ass expanding just *looking* at all the things you bring home.

When I refuse to eat something you've made, please don't look so hurt. It doesn't mean that I love you any less.

It just means that I'm trying to delay the inevitable part where I *do* gorge myself on your fattening (and oh so delicious) food.

I repeatedly tell you all this.

For some reason you never take me seriously no matter how many times I repeat myself.

The truth is, I should seriously be obese right now.

I swear, the only reason I'm not is because I inherited ridiculously skinny genes from family who were (and are) literally stick thin.

At my age my mom could wrap her hands around her waist.

At my age my dad weighed 130 lbs at 5'10".

My grandmother could model if it wasn't for her age.

My grandfather looks like a rail.

Oh, I forgot to mention that they all still eat whatever and whenever the heck they want.

Oh my God, why can't I do the same damn thing??

Day 20

104.6 lbs. Yeah, I know, I'm a total fatass who should be confined to a solitary room until I stop taking up so much space.

I can't believe how much of a lazy slob I am. I *still* haven't gone to the gym and haven't even gotten a DDR workout in.

I've only eaten one meal today and don't plan on eating again. I am FINALLY going back to my apartment tomorrow and oh, let me tell you, I am going to be relentless in getting back to 99.

There will be no stopping me.

I just need to get a hold of myself until then.

Note to self: Stop fucking eating. IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU HAPPY.

Day 19

I'm fat.

102.8 lbs.

Very very fat.

Ate like a mofo yesterday.

And today.

Played DDR until I couldn't breathe.

Been too cold and too lazy to get to the gym.

FAT.

I want to go "home" so I can starve and starve and starve.

Day 18

OUCH 100.4 lbs. This is bad but I was expecting much worse because of how insanely stupid I was yesterday. I think I should just list it all out.

Mistake #1: My roommate offered me a free taco (from Taco Bell). I like free stuff. I took it. I ATE IT! (although I took out most of the meat because it was disgusting)
Mistake #2: I had a sweet craving like you wouldn't believe. In my failure to satisfy it I had 3 handfuls of cereal, 6 asparagus and about 10 almonds. I ate it all and I still (duh!) was craving something sweet. I'm so dumb.
Mistake #3: There was a Farmer's Market in my area and I walked through it. Free, yummy, organic, FREE samples anyone?? I had about 4 pieces of beets and 1 piece of sweet potato. I'm just glad I didn't find the chocolate stand!
Mistake #4: Me and my roommate changed our dinner plans with our friend to brunch today because we were afraid we were going to be cutting it close to the club. Dinner was canceled so I OBVIOUSLY should have NOT EATEN ANYTHING but no. I go get a slice of pizza. I am unbelievable. There's something wrong with my brain!
Mistake #5: This is stupidest thing I did. After the club I thought I not only wanted something sweet but SALTY too and what do I go and do?? I go to McDonald's, still in my clubbing-wear and buy 3 effing cookies (what is it with me and cookies??) and small fries. I proceed to eat them. Oh btw, I felt sick after eating and now that it's morning I still feel sick. I'm telling you, I get SIGNS about stuff like this but I never freaking listen.

And now the consequences of my actions. I've *almost* gained an entire pound from yesterday, what a joy. The brunch is in like 30 minutes too, I CAN'T DO THIS GUYS! I am already eating way too much in the span of two days and my metabolism CANNOT keep up!

I'm leaving for home later today and my goal for when I get back is to be AT MAXIMUM 105 lbs. It's a freaking high # but I'm doing my best to be realistic here. This way I'll have 5 weeks to lose 10 lbs which is the most I'm sure I can lose. Ugh, I'll hate myself for having to repeat the same shit over but I'm going to have to take my chances.

Ok let's move on. I can see some of my bones sticking out of my body but I have a crazy amount of fat everywhere else, it's MADDENING! When I lie down my hip is way out there and at one time I would have been grossed out but now I'm in love with it <3 I also love how I can see the hollows in my feet and that my knees are so knobbly hahaha.

I'm mad that I can't get my measurements though, a friend who came over broke my tape measure (it was the MyoTape) grrr! I'm dying to know if any of my body parts have shrunk :(

Oh I forgot to mention, the club was crazy fun even though I ended paying around $20 for the night (ugh). I danced for three hours, saw a million people I hadn't seen in ages, gave my # to two guys, and proceeded to make out with one of them lol. I love casual makeout sessions with cute boys ;) And I didn't drink despite several offers of alcohol which is the only not stupid thing I did, hurrah?

Hm, I have also been seriously obsessive about food and weight. I mean, for example, I first weigh myself before I eat anything. Then I have a bite of food. Then I go weigh myself again. If the weight is the same I take another bite. If its higher then I stop eating. I basically follow this process on repeat.

In fact, I got so tired of taking off and putting on my clothes every time I go weigh myself that I pretty much walk around half-naked in my apartment all the time. My roommates joke that I could be a stripper because of this lol! At least it seems that they're much less suspicious of my eating habits now that I've gotten way sneakier about it :)

Btw, I of course used the above tactic when eating that taco so it took me like 6 hours to eat the whole thing but everything else I ate is damn unforgivable!! I'm bringing my super duper awesome scale home with me (even though it's pretty damn big) because I MUST stay accountable while I'm home and I won't allow myself to blame the shitty scale for any weight gain. Nope, not me. 105 MAXIMUMMM!!!

Day 17

99.6 lbs. I'm crying as I'm writing this blog post haha... I just... I can't believe I've made it to the double digit's you know?

Tonight I have dinner plans that I couldn't get out of without looking like a complete asshole. I hate having to choose between friends and *not* eating :/ Sigh well regardless, I'm not sure where we're eating yet but I'm definitely pushing for sushi so I can order sashimi and pick off the rice.

I'm supposed to have 300 but I guess I'll just have to settle for not eating until dinner. I'm kind of pissed that I have to do this on the very last day before I go home. Ugh thinking about home and Thanksgiving and having extended family over is way more stressful than it should be.

The only good thing about today is that we're going clubbing after dinner and you can bet I'm going to be the craziest dancer in the whole joint! Oh and as a reminder to myself: NO ALCOHOL! Dinner is bad enough but I don't need to give myself any additional useless calories.

However *IF* in the case that it absolutely cannot be avoided, I must then drink as much and as fast as I can in order to THROW IT ALL BACK UP. I haven't had alcohol in months, I'm a girl, I'm short and I'm effing 99.6 lbs. I wouldn't be surprised if I'm down and out after 2 shots of vodka. And I know that by the time I vomit most of the calories would have been absorbed already but jeez, if I'm not smart enough to avoid alcohol in the first place then I might as well get plain stupid with it!

Anyway. I finally have the time to reply back to all of your comments yay! I finally handed in all my papers, my assignments have been completed and my Orgo test was yesterday. Actually, I have a book to read by Monday and another project due on Tuesday but let's worry about that until the last minute in true ME STYLE!

11.21.10
Thank you to *VictoriaCrimson, *Kate, *liz, *anna~, *Sottile and *Isobel, you are all so freaking adorable!! I love how you were all getting into Greek Yogurt hahaha. I will definitely be adding that to my shopping cart the next time I get groceries!

11.22.10
*VictoriaCrimson - Haha even though I passed my UGW from September those cookies were totally not conducive to reaching my current UGW! Darn my sweet tooth!
*Lilah Lee - Oh man I love those big ass cookies too, don't worry you're not the only one! And I'm glad *someone* was entertained by my spastic writing XD
*Thin_Envy - Aww we all have days like that, and it really could have been much worse! It's hard for me to stop when I get started so I'm jealous of your self-control!

To *Posie, *Courtney, *liz, *VictoriaCrimson, *Lilah Lee, *K, *miss alisha, *bony bunny, *Sottile and *anna~: Your comments were just as short as my post but they truly mean MORE to me then that one number. I'M IN LOVE WITH ALL OF YOU <3

11.23.10
*VictoriaCrimson - I hate my calves and thighs >< Probably the only acceptable part of my legs are my knees lol!
*Runs Alone - Aw I'm flattered you would say that but I don't think I'm thin enough yet... If you saw me full-front I'm sure you would change your mind haha.
*Minus Human - GAH I have an awful body shape, even though I have problems with my lower body I clearly hold most of my fat on my stomach, arms and huge shoulders! I would gladly switch with you if I could! I used to be tired all the time (I still am) but I think I've learnt to deal with it better? And I don't usually succeed in eating so little, I just happen to be on a very good streak these past few days :) This won't be the case for Thanksgiving though x_x
*liz - I know the picture isn't up anymore but maybe I should have edited it to show the fat bulges... Plus I purposely made the picture as small as possible to make them harder to see but they are definitely there :(
*miss alisha - Thank you for proposing the picture idea to me, it *was* very hard to put it up (and I obviously couldn't even bear to keep it on here for long) but now I feel all the more accountable to do better :) And YAY I'm glad you were able to avoid the clutches of the kitchen hahaha.
*K - LOL sorry about that, maybe if you tell me a time I could re-post it for maybe 15-30 minutes so you could see? But don't worry, there WILL be a 95 one too, I'll make sure of it!
*bonesskinperfection - Thank you! I know you've been having a hard time lately but I'm sure things will get better for you soon <3 Stay well!

Day 16

It's so surreal. I still haven't completely grasped the fact that I have *actually* reached the double digit's.

I also thought I would be happier about it?

Oh don't get me wrong. I'm definitely proud of myself for finally getting here after what has been a very bumpy journey but... Never mind. I can't even explain it myself.

I just need to get to 95 now :D

Although of course I weighed in today at 100.0 lbs sigh. I'm a little disappointed but I'm more glad that the discrepancy is this small which means that yesterday couldn't have been a fluke!

Today is 100:
-1/2 medium cantaloupe

Total: 94 calories
Fat: 0.5g
Carbohydrates: 22.5g
Protein: 2.3g

So... Here's me >< I've taken the suggestion of *miss alisha to post a progress pic... It was super stressful trying to figure out which pose would make me look the least fat but I did my best :/ I wanted to share it here because you have all been amazingly encouraging and supportive, I don't think I could have reached this point otherwise :)

I feel really anxious and paranoid about showing a picture of myself so I'm going to take it down tonight, although in all honesty the biggest reason I can't bear to keep it on here is because it is seriously tearing me apart to see all that fat on my body. Ugh, this picture is ruining the "cleanliness" of this blog and I would rather save it in an obscure folder where I won't have to see it again until I'm skinnier!

P.S. Omg I didn't want to write this but PLEASE IGNORE my stomach/arm/thigh bulges, I know it looks terrible!!

*Picture Removed: Sorry guys, I took it down way sooner then I said I would because I'm too embarrassed by it... Hopefully I won't feel that way at 95? BUT thank you for all of your very kind comments, I really took them to heart :)*

99.8 POUNDS.

Warning: Another ramble-y Adderall post, read at your own risk or just skip to "Day 15" down below :)

Sooo I'm on Adderall again. What's new. Well this time I cut the pill in half because damn, the side effects lasted for a REALLY long time and I probably felt worse (at least physically) then I did better. Hopefully this will be easier on my body although I took it a few hours after having the 500 calories while last time I took it on a *very* full stomach.

Eh. We'll see how it goes.

Anyway this time I took it because I am such a huge procrastinator and I CANNOT finish this stupid paper so I can start studying for Orgo. I finally gave up on trying to not take another pill

-----

Lol I had to do a #2 RIGHT as I was writing that sentence. Tmi but I think if you've read my past posts then this is to be expected by now :) And to continue with that sentence, I really didn't want to take another one (I don't want to get addicted, I shouldn't rely on a pill etc etc) but omg for all of yesterday and today I've been incredibly lethargic and sleepy. I have no idea why, especially since I slept like 11 hours last night too. PLUS I took like an hour nap in the middle of the day.

I "perked up" after taking the Adderall which is good... Except that as you can see, I can't seem to focus this energy into doing work -___- Sigh, this pill is always a hit or miss, I never know what I'm in for when I'm on it!

Oh so I'd like to get all of your opinion's on something. Basically, I finished the 500 calories at precisely 4:00 PM and it was my intention from then on to do a 24 hour water fast. However, I'm a total weirdo and I can't take pills with water and I usually have to put them in foods that I can swallow without chewing. Thus, I put the half pill in one raspberry at about 7:30 PM. Should I consider this point to be the start of the fast? Or should I still use 4:00 as the start?

Even though I know there are hardly any calories in only one raspberry and that a few hours difference doesn't *actually* matter, I can't help but to obsess over these technicalities. Hmmmm.

I'm being bad. Sorry to waste your time on yet another very pointless ramble. I'm promising right now, I will NOT write on this blog until I AT LEAST finish my paper. So there.

Brb :)

-----

I know I said I wouldn't come back here until I finished my paper but I Did Something Bad.

I ate a cookie.

Surprisingly, I don't feel as bad about it as I thought I would. This probably has to do with the fact that:

1. I didn't actually have 500 calories today, maybe around 450? I don't know how many calories the cookie was and I probably went over 500 after eating it but it couldn't have been by much.
2. I weighed myself before I ate the cookie (101.4) and I weighed myself after I ate the cookie and guess what? I was still 101.4 which was a HUGE relief.
3. My stomach was already aching from the Adderall and eating the cookie made me feel better. (<--Wow I sound like such a wuss)

Overall, a pretty win-win situation :) I suppose my dilemma from earlier is irrelevant now. Haha I just realized I haven't had a cookie in a pretty long ass time. My cookie craving is gone too whee! Oh and I know 101.4 lbs is pretty damn high but I have full confidence I'll be back in the 100's tomorrow when I actually post this :) Woah, I'm totally not used to being this optimistic!

Ok ok back to my paper ><

-----

Fuckkk alright I ate two more cookies. I'm still 101.4 but AGH I JUST ATE FAT!

However I've realized that the Adderall is kind of like a laxative - it can't be a coincidence that I had a poo not long after taking it and I went again after consuming the 2nd cookie. Granted, not much came out (tmi warning: oops too late ahaha...) but still. Pretty cool.

Ugh of course my stomach feels like hell again though.

-----

It's very disconcerting to realize that there isn't anything that makes me happy anymore. I can remember what used to - shopping was a big one, clubbing, watching TV shows and movies, *doing* stuff with my friends and of course eating... Now I can't go shopping because I'm always thinking about how I look awful in anything I try on, I rarely have the energy to dance the night away in very hot and crowded clubs, I only watch my shows as a distraction from food, I hardly go out anymore let alone meet up with many friends and I don't even have to explain the last one.

I was feeling depressed and stressed out so I thought, "I should do something to cheer myself up!" and I couldn't think of one damn thing. All I feel is cranky and tired and I'm absolutely dreading my upcoming test.

This is why I honestly believe that sometimes, all I really have is myself and my fat and that when I get rid of the latter I'll finally have *myself* again if that makes sense.

-----

It is incredibly weird to remember that when I started this blog I wrote that my UGW was to reach 101. Now that I've surpassed that I'm surprised to think that I would be satisfied with myself at this weight. I mean, I *am* thinner but not really?? It makes me wonder how I'll feel at 95...

Day15

YAY OMG 100.2 lbs!! This is my weight 14 hours into the water fast so we'll see if I can drop to the double digits by tomorrow! Crossing my fingers!!!

If you chose not to read the above spiel (I certainly wouldn't blame you) then I should let you know that I (*wince*) ate not one, but THREE cookies in addition to the 500 :0 That's plain unacceptable but I'm incredibly thankful that they didn't make me gain AND I didn't binge (although this is likely because of the Adderall...)! I'm relieved :)

Now for an analysis of my weight - I am undecided as to whether I should hope that I have gotten out of the plateau and my weight will keep dropping OR that this 100.2 is simply within this stubborn range that my body refuses to get out of... <--This is the kind of stuff I think about all day until I get the chance to weigh myself again lol.

I want 99!! If I could get it before Thanksgiving... It would be too good to be true >< Even if I do reach 99 I *know* I won't be able to maintain it while I'm home which is going to make it so much worse when I come back and I have to do this ALL freaking over again.

I've realized that it took me an entire week to reverse my horrible weight gain from the last time I went home and frankly, I don't have the TIME to devote an entire extra week to getting to the same weight that I had already reached before. I wish I didn't have to go home!

I've been really bad about responding to comments, I promise I will soon!! Thank you all again for taking the time to read this... Um... Totally interesting blog haha.

***Edit:
AHHHH I'M 100.0 LBS!!! This is after doing another poo (I swear I don't know how or where all this excrement is coming from, I usually never go so many times in a week let alone within 24 hours but I'M SO HAPPY THAT I AM) which means... Perhaps I have surpassed the plateau?? I'm hoping that's the case!

Day 14

It's confirmed.

I am DEFINITELY in a plateau :(

I weighed in at 100.6 lbs today. Actually, I'm kind of upset that I even went up 0.2 lbs but I'm going to do my best not to let it get to me.

NO BINGE MONSTER FOR ME!

I'm going to stick to the plan. Even if I feel hopeless and think "fuck it all" I will *not* justify a binge just because my weight loss has stagnated. Plateau's happen and there's no reason for me to get overly worked up about them.

Besides, tomorrow's "weigh-in" day and I MUST be 100, or at least as close to 100 as I can get if I want to stay on schedule! There are only 5 more weeks left and I have 5 lbs to lose!

500 today:
-1 cup Fiber One Cereal (120 cal)
-1 Amy's Bistro Burger (110 cal)
-1/2 medium cantaloupe (94 cal)
-11 almonds (85 cal)
-1 plain rice cake (35 cal)
-6 medium asparagus (24 cal)
-1 small tomato (16 cal)
-1 JELL-O (10 cal)
-2 tablespoons salsa hot (5 cal)

Total: 500 calories
Fat: 12.4g
Carbohydrates: 106.6g
Protein: 19.1g

I really need to stock up on more eggs, anyone else have suggestions on how to increase my protein intake? I might try the Chobani Greek Yogurt, it has crazy amounts of protein for almost no fat and low calories. The only reason I haven't bought it yet is because I quite detest yogurt but I've got to deal. I can't afford to be picky!

I had a very close call yesterday. I smoked some pot with my roommate which I thought wasn't a big deal since I never get high off of it but I had CRAZY munchies afterwards. The only reason I didn't binge was because there was literally nothing to binge on hahaha. So yay :)

Much love to you all, I'm off to write another paper and study for my dreaded Organic Chemistry test!

Day 13

My weight hasn't gone down...

My weight hasn't gone up...

It is EXACTLY the same.

100.4 anyone?

I am starting to strongly suspect that 100 is becoming another plateau # like 105 was. Which is pretty worrying since I got all nervous and crazy that my weight wasn't moving at 105 and kept binging because of it! Hopefully I'll be able to have more self-control this time!

Yesterday I had:
-1 small tomato (16 cal)
-1 medium asparagus (4 cal)
-1 medium peach (38 cal)
-1 plain rice cake (35 cal)
-2 tablespoons hot salsa (5 cal)

Total: 99 calories
Fat: 0.4g (<--this is more like it)
Carbohydrates: 21.5g
Protein: 3g


And today I'm having:
-1 plain rice cake (35 cal)
-2 tablespoons hot salsa (5 cal)
-1 egg white, boiled (17 cal)
-1 small tomato (16 cal)
-7 almonds (51 cal)
-1 cup Fiber One Cereal (120 cal)
-13 medium asparagus (52 cal)

Total: 297 calories
Fat: 6.7g
Carbohydrates: 71.6g
Protein: 15.7g

Thanksgiving is in a mere 5 days from now, I HAVE to reach 99 by then! I wish I could say that I'm not going to binge when I'm home etc etc etc but I know it's not true. I'm not sure how long I'll be home but the maximum number of days that I will be is 4. FOUR days of home food.

I'm just going to say it: there's *no* chance of me even managing to maintain my pre-Thanksgiving weight. Therefore, I have to lose as much as possible beforehand in order to make up for it!

Why must it be so much easier to gain than to lose weight??

To *Isobel, *Minnie, *miss alisha, *alexaN, *anna~, *bonesskinperfection and *Sea: THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR ENCOURAGEMENT AND SUPPORT! Your comments always make my day <3

Day 12

Guess.

Guess my weight.

Pleaseeee guess it!

Nope too slow.

I'M 100.4 LBS BABY YEAAAAAH!

Ok I'm calm now.

...And yes, I confess that I am still feeling the Adderall. I cannot tell you why for the life of me! However I have to say, it is one of the weirdest and most pleasurable things ever to hear your stomach grumble BUT not feel even the slightest bit hungry. AND I hardly thought about food for over a day now!

I ALWAYS think about food.

Yet I didn't for all of yesterday and even now the idea of food doesn't appeal to me. In fact, all this extra room in my head means that I was able to *GASP!* pay attention in class for the first time in what seems like forever!

I'm glad I regained my attention span in the class that I did because my professor talked about ED's a little which I thought was pretty funny considering it was a Psychology and Religion course... Anyway we were going over a "Mandala" which looks like a wheel made up of 6 part's.

One of the part's was called "Hungry Ghost" which represents unfulfilled desires from the past, addictions (like drugs) and bulimia. I thought it was oddly fitting. It's all about trying to fill yourself up even though it's *never* enough and how these behaviors are an attempt to make up for all the needs that your parents didn't acknowledge or ignored when you were younger. So basically you're trying to make up for all these needs now that you're an adult but you'll never be able to no matter how hard you try because they can only be satisfied within particular childhood stage's.

How unfair right?

Anorexia, on the other hand, is associated with the "Animal" part of this wheel which also represents sex, hunger and stupidity (basically the Id). I remember thinking "What the heck is anorexia doing in here??" Well according to my professor, anorexia denies all of these primal instincts and cravings and thus it becomes the destruction of the self. It makes so much sense that anorexia, the ultimate resistance against our most basic biological needs is nevertheless placed in the same category as these other seemingly contradictory traits because honestly, isn't the "pinnacle" of anorexia eventually death?

It's something to think about.

I just wanted to share this with you all, I hope no one is offended! :0 I wish there was an ED-NOS one though haha.

Oh yes, as for my eating plan today... I don't know. I'm scared to eat! But I have to! If I don't eat then that would be fasting which means that the fast has to end *sometime* and then I think we all know what pops up RIGHT at that moment!

Yes! You got it!

ThE bInGe MoNsTeR!!!

I know I'm lame, no need to remind me :)

Sigh what to do, what to do.

***Edit:

I honestly haven't been hungry at all but I *did* feel really weak so I made myself eat a peach (38 cal). And OH. MY. GOD. My stomach hurts like hell and I feel really nauseous. I'm covering my mouth right now in the hopes that it will somehow keep me from throwing up. What is wrong with meee ;_;

Day 11

Wonderful way for me to start off the 2nd 10 day stretch of my 50 day marathon. Right after I wrote that blog post I took an Adderall. I only had one left and I was trying to save it for either 1) when I wanted to do a super long fast or 2) for finals. I didn't take it for either of those purposes which is another reason to be pissed at myself for.

I just wanted to not feel or be hungry. I'M SICK OF FOOD.

Not sure what to do from here on out. I know I'm fasting today (this is a given) but right when I was going to follow my first instinct and buckle down for another 3 day fast (potentially 4) there was *one* thing that stopped me.

I currently weigh 101.8 lbs.

Crazy right? Let me explain. I've done a poo three times since my binge about 12 hours ago (yes tmi but i can't leave it out!) plus I literally peed like 15 times.

In conclusion, it is all water weight. I'm still fuzzy on whether all the waste excrement was a reaction to the Adderall or the binge. Maybe a combination of both.

Anyway BECAUSE it's water weight that means that the first thing I eat is going to make me gain. That makes me very sad :(

For now I'll just do the other 12 hours without food and see how I feel from there (and hopefully lose *actual* weight). I only have one thing that I need to concentrate on:

ONE HUNDRED POUNDS.

100 is all the matters.

100.

100.

100.

-----

***WARNING: Very long ramble, read at the risk of intense boredom and with the assurance that I am indeed insane :) I wrote this part a little after taking the Adderall and basically kept coming back to it all night!

I feel amazing when I'm on Adderall. Sure, I get dry mouth, I can't sleep, my heart starts beating faster and my stomach feels like there's a rock in there but I have SO much energy which I never have nowadays. I'm usually so tired that doing anything but laying around seems to take tremendous effort.

But of course the biggest side effect of Adderall that I love is the loss of appetite. Even when the hyperactivity that I experience wanes after maybe 6 hours I don't feel hungry for ages.

I get Adderall from my roommate/best friend. She only uses it when she really needs to study so she doesn't mind giving me one once in awhile when I tell her I need one too. I never want to ruin her trust and as of today I have only ever taken one when I had a major test or paper coming up. I've only taken it maybe 5 times in my life because I know that it can be very addicting.

However, this time my desire to be empty is overpowering my guilt for misusing this pill. I hate asking for another one but I think I might, especially since she knows I have another huge Organic Chemistry test on Tuesday. What do you all think? Am I being a selfish self-centered bitch for using my best friend like that?

The answer is yes.

I feel PATHETIC for resorting to Adderall to help me to not eat. I don't know about anyone else but I feel incredibly accomplished when I reach my fasting/restricting goals all on my own power, no pills no drugs no laxatives no purging no anything except my own will and determination.

Hahaha I'm rambling even more than usual too. I think I'm going to fast.

4 days.

Until after midnight Sunday I will not have a single bite of food.

I think this time I should try something besides a water fast though.

This is what I think:

Today - Water only
Friday - Water and Alcohol only (My roommates want to drink and frankly I need to get fucked up. I'm planning on drinking until I throw up. I'm a serious lightweight so it'll be quick. Whoo.)
Saturday - Water and Juice only
Sunday - Water and Liquids only

What do you all think? I love reading your comments, I hate that I can never seem to respond as well as I like to all of them.

***Edit:
Just to let you all know I'm not planning on doing this fasting plan anymore but I kept it on here in order to preserve my feelings at that moment :)

Btw, if you would like me to follow/read/comment on your own blog please let me know! I try to find them but I'm pretty sure I've missed more than a few. Also I should let you girls know that I *always* need to read through an entire blog's archive before I start commenting on the more current posts so don't freak out if you don't see any activity from me ok? :)

I love you all so much. What would I do without the online community.

It's lonely out here in the "real world". I used to be such a different person. Always partying, drinking, going to clubs, flirting with guys, staying up till dawn and sleeping the day away. It's not that I miss that person really, because my school work definitely suffered, but I've become much more withdrawn from everyone around me.

Still, I feel like I can't present myself to the world until I'm skinny.

100.
100.
100.

I want it BAD.

I watched America's Next Top Model with my guy roomie last night after my awful awful binge. It's strange but it calmed me down. I chugged another liter of water and just watching these beautiful thin girls made me think "I'm going to be skinnier then they are".

I want to be proud of myself and my body. I'm a fuckup in everything else. If I can master my body and overcome my pervading instincts to eat all day long then I know that anything else I pursue in my life is possible.

It's MY BODY.

The least I can do is make it as perfect as possible no?

Sorry for the ramble, all my thoughts race through my head when I'm on Adderall.

And as a note: I know that I shouldn't take it when I don't have ADHD (although I suspect that I have a very mild case of it) and I DEFINITELY DO NOT encourage anyone else to take it unless they need to for medical purposes.

Yes. I'm a hypocrite. But I really don't want to influence anyone else with my bad behavior. I hope I haven't :( I care about every one of you, it would *kill* me to know that something I wrote turned out to ruin someone else!

I'm even more of a hypocrite for wishing that all of you could be happy with yourselves just the way you are. Of course I support every single one of you with all of my heart but it hurts me that there are many many others girls (and guys) out there who are in pain.

I know for a fact that I do not have it bad at all. I often feel silly for making my everyday pointless little eating and mental cases appear to be such a big deal when I know that they are not. However I also know that most if not all of you are hurting more than I am and considering how much I just hate myself sometimes... I don't know what I'm trying to say, I only know that I wish I wish I WISH happiness for all of you.

I wish I could give hugs in person and be there to hold your hands when things go wrong :0

Well, I've finally found out the formula for how much I'm burning with my calisthenics. Here's an example for squats:

(0.096 x weight) x (# of minutes) = calories burned

Keep in mind that 0.096 is used ONLY for squats. Therefore at my weight of 101.8 lbs, doing 100 squats in 2 minutes = approximately 19.6 calories. If I do 500 squats in 10 minutes then I will have burned approximately 97.7 calories. This is what I'm going to aim for!

I haven't been able to find the # for crunches and leg lifts (these seem to have more varying answers) so if anyone finds them let me know :)

Oh and this is a bit of a strange request but I would GREATLY appreciate it if anyone could point out any grammatical/spelling errors? I have such a problem with grammar, whenever I reread my post's I always think that they never sound exactly right or that I could have worded it better. Anyway, don't hesitate to correct me on anything! I had also hoped that I could improve my writing through this blog (although I know that this particular post was not a good way to do that lol).

Ahhh ok and NOW I remember why I hesitate to take Adderall except for emergencies, coming down from the "high" makes me feel sick sigh. I keep forgetting that after the main effects pass the "loss of appetite" is usually the result of stomach pains >_> Well, it really isn't too bad and I feel a little more aware now haha.

It's decided. I'm not going to ask my roommate for another pill! It's my own fault for using the only one I had for non-studying purposes (actually I did manage to read a book and write a paper) but still! I need to be more responsible. Adderall will not be always be there for me when I'm desperate to end a binge and feeling all sorry for myself. Nosiree.

I'm weak. A weak pathetic silly little being really. But I'm going to lose weight my own way. I won't get any satisfaction from reaching my UGW with any external help!

Just me and my fat.

Fight to the death I say!

100.

100.

100.

ONE HUNDRED.

It's a beautiful number.

OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD I fucking binged. Let me tell you all what happened. I can't let myself get away with this.

The 500 went great. I ate it all within 2 hours and I was full. I was glad that I got to start my 24 hour fast earlier. 4 hours later I'm hungry. My stomach was expecting more gross calories from me but I said HELL NO. Problem solved.

Another 4 hours later I'm still hungry. I tell myself "Ok, go eat ONE 10 calorie JELL-O and a pickle and you'll be fine. I wasn't fine. I ate 300 calories. I was legit full but that wasn't enough for me. All I could think about how I wanted to have more.

So I reached 1000 for the day and I told myself "For the love of God just STOP!". And I did. I exercised. I chugged 2L of water. An hour passed. Then I made the HUGE mistake of checking my weight. It said 105.8. I went ballistic and I could feel myself spiralling down in despair at what I had done. So of course I ate more.

An estimated 500 calories more making my daily total a fucking 1500.

I hate myself so much and I am very very ashamed to admit that I tried making myself vomit around 5 times. I was not successful any of those times for which I am both relieved and slightly regretful of but mostly relieved. At the time though all I could think was that I HAD to get all this shit out of my body.

As I was reaching for the food I spoke out loud to myself and just kept repeating "fatty fatty fatty fatty". While I was eating I kept groping my body, my stomach my hip bones the gap between my thighs. I knew I was getting fatter.

FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT. I feel like I'm spilling out of everything. I keep looking in the mirror to confirm the disastrous results of my catastrophic behavior.

You know what, it's pretty common sense that starving yourself will eventually kill you but I say that from my personal experience, I never feel so close to wanting to physically hurt (KILL) myself except for when I eat like this.

I wanted somebody to stop me. I wanted to go to my best friend in the next room and cry and tell her about the horrible thing I just did and have her say something that wouldn't be "I'm glad that you ate". WHY DIDN'T I STOP!!

I could have stopped. I was perfectly capable of stopping. But I didn't. I'm so sick of it. I was TWO lbs away from my low weight!

I know what happened. I'm simply not good enough to reach 100 lbs. I'm too weak, too fat, too much of EVERYTHING. That's what's wrong with me.

I am too much. I am reaching overcapacity.

I am going to die if I keep going on like this.

I don't mean that my heart will stop beating.

That's just what it feels like.

Day 10

Well yesterday was interesting. Let me tell you, almonds are *not* what I thought they would be. It was the 1st time I tried them and I got through half ok but then I was forcing myself to eat the rest because it just tasted bad. Towards the end I was feeling nauseous and my stomach was churning.

I finally gave up when there were 7 left (about 51 calories) and ended up forgoing the flaxseeds in favor of 3 small pieces of chicken and about a handful of rice. So I had an allotment of about 120 calories for the chicken and rice which I'm pretty sure I didn't go over.

All in all I consider yesterday a success and I now weigh 102.8 lbs :) Woohoo for a loss of 0.6 lb! Today is 500:

-1 Nature Valley Peanut Granola Bar (170 cal<--yes I'm crazy, stupid peanut butter craving)
-1 1/2 tablespoons dry roasted flaxseed (80 cal)
-3 extra large strawberries (26 cal)
-11 almonds (85 cal<--I have a shitload left to eat unfortunately -__-)
-1 medium tomato (22 cal)
-2 large asparagus (10 cal)
-1 medium peach (38 cal)
-1 small grapefruit (64 cal)

Total: 495 calories
Fat: 93.2g
Carbohydrates: 66.6g
Protein: 14.7g

I can explain the extraordinary amount of fat I swear!! It's all because of that stupid granola bar!! I'll be better next time I promise ;_; It doesn't matter if I eat fewer calories because as long as most of it is made up of fat I'm not going to get anywhere...

Thank you *Isobel, *Kat, *Zoe♥, *morbid.diathesis, *miss alisha, *Posie, *liz and *anna~ for your lovely comments :)

*morbid.diathesis - I have no idea (I'll be having it today) but apparently the kind I got can be eaten raw sooo this is me experimenting :) I hope its a hit and not a miss like the almonds were agh!
*miss alisha - Oooh thank you for the Carb/Fat ratio! I usually NEVER have this much fat when I'm consciously restricting but this has been a pretty weird week. As for your binge, we have all been there and I know its a terrible, terrible feeling. It's been a few days now since then, maybe the scale won't be too horrible? Good luck!!
*liz - I was actually warned about the almonds by my roommate (who said they just made her feel sick and get headaches) and I obviously should have listened haha. I'll let you guys know how the flaxseed is :)
*anna~ - Ahh, maybe I should clarify, even though I have a thigh gap its pretty tiny (maybe 1/2 inch?) but its how I judge whether I'm horrendously fat or moderately fat! I'm sure you look beautiful AND thin even if you can't see it <3

***Edit:

-1 Nature Valley Peanut Granola Bar (170 cal)
-0.17 tablespoons dry roasted flaxseed (9 cal)
-3 extra large strawberries (26 cal)
-11 almonds (85 cal)
-1 medium tomato (22 cal)
-6 large asparagus (30 cal)
-1 medium peach (38 cal)
-1 Kellogg's Nutrigrain Strawberry Cereal Bar (120 cal)

Total: 500 calories
Fat: 118.5g
Carbohydrates: 71.4g
Protein: 14.3g

Holy crap the flaxseed was AWFUL. It cost me like $7.50 but I threw it out without a single ounce of regret because it was just that terrible. I practically stuffed my mouth with the Kellogg's Bar to get the taste out of my mouth ew. Anyway, my grapefruit went bad (nooooo...) so I altered today's plan a little.

Sigh and yes, a ton more fat and not enough Carbohydrates and Protein. I suck. Well, I've been trying to eat everything in one sitting so that I can start my 24 hour water fast immediately after yay :) I NEED to be in the lower 102's by tomorrow!

Day 9

Hell yea I'm 103.4 lbs! At this rate I just need to lose 0.5 lb per day to reach 100 by Monday :) It's totally possible and I'm not planning on messing up this week!

300:
-1 1/2 tablespoons dry roasted flaxseeds (80 cal)
-1 cup strawberries (49 cal)
-1/3 cup almonds (180 cal)

Total: 309 calories
Fat: 20.5g (...That's a fucking lot dammit)
Carbohydrates: 22.7g
Protein: 10g

Well, this is my version of "switching things up"... Anyway I have to eat it all considering all this stuff was VERY expensive and I kind of can't afford to just not eat it. It's all supposed to be really healthy so I'll try not to think about how I'm going to consume 20 grams of fat when I usually have less than 5. Nope, not thinking about it at all!

Oh btw, my thigh gap has come back yayyy!! I'm still fat, but not *as* fat. I can't wait until the day that I can say that I'm not fat!

Day 8

104.6 lbs. I don't know how I managed to weigh exactly the same as my before-home weight but it probably has to do with the fact that I've just finished a 24 hour water fast. Today is 100 calories and to switch it up a bit I'm having:

-2 cups strawberries (97 cal)

Whee...

SO ANGRY THAT I'M NOT 101 TODAY THOUGH!! My goal for next Monday is 100. I can do it >:( Besides, next Thursday is Thanksgiving = Death. Plus I'll be home again which also = Death.

My parents cook so much food and even when we try to foist all the leftovers onto our guests we still end up with a TON of food that I feel obligated to eat while I'm home. I really don't like wasting food :/

*BIG HUGS TO *Minus Human, *Kate, *liz, *K, and *Isobel!!!

*Minus Human - Thank you so much for your kind comment. Even though I know I eat because my body demands it I still feel frustrated when I can't control this one thing for myself. Your plan really is the smart way to do this, but even so I feel completely helpless when I don't see a decrease in my weight every day which I try to compensate by using more extreme tactics... I hope one day I can truly believe that I am not only beautiful but deserving.
*Isobel - It's so hard not to freak out when I can plainly see how I'm reversing all my hard work ;_; And don't apologize!! We all have responsibilities in the "real world" (lol). Everything is fine as long as you're ok :)

I feel so sad when I look at my body. The imperfections and flaws are endless. I don't *look* like a huge fatass, I AM one.

Why do I keep eating? Why does this very same body rebel against my brain, my heart and my soul that yearn for one very simple goal.

I don't think I need to explain what that goal is.

-----

Day Freaking 7

My thighs are fucking touching again. It's been a week since I made my resolution and what do I do. I eat food, I gain weight, my thighs touch and I'm fatter than I've been in weeks.

Fuck this shit.

I'm off to the gym.

Day 6

I'm not a big believer in fate and destiny but I do believe in signs.

Like how I was weak and was going to buy a slice of pizza (I KNOW I'M A SLOB AND A FAT PIG) but the cafeteria had *just* closed by the time I got there.

Like how I was going to buy a bag of Apple/Cinnamon Chips for $1.50 (<--freaking expensive!!) but the vending machine only took $1 bills and no change. I conveniently fed it $1, realized I didn't have any more $1 bills and of course it wouldn't give me back my dollar.

Coincidence? I THINK NOT.

I'm so so so glad that I didn't eat anything until I got home. At least someone out there knows how fat I am and is actively preventing me from buying all this shitty food.

When I was in high school I was a DDR (Dance Dance Revolution) fanatic. I was such a nerd about it that I actually started a DDR club with my best friend. I eventually quit because I couldn't stand how the mat kept sliding when I was trying to do all the harder levels and therefore not letting me get all perfect's >:( But now I'm thinking about starting it up again but this time taping the mat to a piece of wood which apparently fixes the sliding problem.

I'm mentioning this because it is a SERIOUS workout if you do it nonstop for even an hour. I think I read online somewhere you can burn as much as 500 calories in an hour of intense "dancing"? I can't pass that up can I now hehe :3 I used to play for hoursss everyday! I was totally obsessed so I can't see it being hard to get back into :)

I was wearing shorts when I got home and according to my mother I was "too skinny" and according to my sister I looked "sick". They both also said that my legs looked like sticks. I was torn between feeling pleased and wanting to argue that I certainly WASN'T skinny or sickly looking and certainly did NOT have stick worthy legs (I wish!).

Well, I've learned from past experience that no matter how I try to describe how fat I am to other people I'm always met with either complete disbelief, exasperation or annoyance. I try to shut up about it now because I don't want anyone to think I have a problem... Although I'm not sure if I have one myself.

-----

I hate that when I walk I can see my thighs jiggle.
I hate that my thighs are curved at all.
I hate how huge my freaking calves are.
I have how it looks like I have cankles.
I hate how my toes look obese.
I hate how big my feet are.
I hate that my wrists are so huge.
I hate that my fingers look like fat french fries.
I hate how my upper arm is a chunky piece of flab.
I hate that I have chipmunk cheeks.
I hate that my stomach looks like I have a baby growing in there.
I hate how fucking enormous my ass is.
I hate that my neck looks like a tree trunk.
I hate that my shoulders look like they belong on a guy.
I hate how I'm always going to have the widest hips ever.

I hate it all.

...What's going to happen to me if I'm never skinny?

Day 5

Well, yesterday could have gone better. A LOT better. Arghh I should have planned my day out to the hour. I slept at like 1 AM and woke up at 7 AM. I only ever sleep so little when I'm hardcore restricting/fasting, it's weird but I can never stay asleep for long :/ Anyway it basically meant that I had to spend more time awake since I finish class at 8:30 PM and then I promised I'd watch America's Next Top Model afterwards with my roommate (the guy one hahaha).

More time awake = more time to feel hungry = more likely to binge. And binge I did. I hate to estimate a # but probably around 1500 total? DISGUSTING. It's even more than my BMR! At least I spaced it all out so I wasn't stuffing my face all at once like I've never seen food before. Nevertheless, it was more than the 300 that I planned out which is quite simply a FAIL. I don't like to fail :(

The plan today is to not eat anything until I get home which will be in the evening. My mom wants to go shopping which should burn some calories and I'll try to keep dinner small + healthy. The cake thing is going to be a bitch though. At least I'll probably be able to convince my mom to throw it out after "we" (aka only me) have a slice since she doesn't want us to get fat anyway lol.

Possibly the only positive thing about going home (weight-wise at least) is that I can go to an *actual* gym. You read that right, a gym!!! Burning about 300 calories has always been my limit but for the couple days I'm home I'm going to MAKE SURE that I reach AT LEAST 400.

I love seeing the # on the treadmill and elliptical. I guess that's why I'm so unmotivated to do calisthenics, I don't see the numerical proof behind doing them! Bad excuse, I know. I just need to remember that with every leg lift and squat that I do will eventually lead to increased muscle and increased calorie burning and increased fat cell shrinkage. Burn fat burn!

I'm also thinking that the pro's of staying home for a bit longer may actually outweigh the con's of leaving because my roommates are planning a *massive* drinking-fest this weekend. That means beer (AGH!! I don't know about anyone else but I think it tastes like shit and literally feels like I'm drinking fat) and vodka/tequila. The last two I can handle, but still. I like drinking, but right now I'm wayyy more concerned about my calorie consumption. What to do, what to do...

Haven't weighed myself yet. I don't trust the scale at home and I need to get a "before-home" weight to compare with when I get back. I'm terrified of the #. I guess it's because I know it's going to ruin my whole day. BUT I started this whole blog so I could stay accountable so I'm going to go weigh myself now. Super nervous.

-----

104.6 lbs.

FML.

*miss alisha - I usually don't mind walking either but all I could think about was how I probably only burned like 100 calories :( I *should* walk more but I'm so slow that it would literally take up my entire day haha.
*morbid.diathesis - Oooh yes it's super yummy! The only thing not so great about it is that it has a really high sodium content... Let me know how you like it if you decide to try it out some time :)
*bonesskinperfection - Nooo don't be jealous, my weight in relation to my height is VERY high. It's embarrassing... Besides you are very skinny! And guys are so lucky they don't have hips, it makes them look way thinner! Although it may be fun to try your bf's jeans anyway hmmm~
*VictoriaCrimson - A) Phew I'm glad! B) They really are >:( C) November + December are Death Month's. If I can get to my UGW by the end of this year then I think I'll have good reason to be proud!
*liz - My family lives in the suburbs so I totally get what you mean! I moved out as soon as I could and I have never regretted it :) And seaweed is delish <3
*Isobel - :0 Please don't say that, as you can see I make a habit of screwing up any progress that I make. Let's try to be strong together <3

I want to say thank you to all 40 of you. Every single one of you encourage me to do better not only for myself but to do better so that I don't let any of you down.

We can all reach skinny together :)

Day 4

YAY 101.8 lbs!!!!! It's just a matter of time before I reach 100 again! Well, as long as I don't fuck up... again :p

300 calories today!
-1 cup Fiber One Cereal (120 cal)
-5 egg whites, boiled (85 cal)
-1 cup Trop50 Orange Juice (50 cal)
-1 medium peach (38 cal)

Total: 294 calories
Fat: 2.5g
Carbohydrates: 73.5g
Protein: 22.8g

Yum :) I haven't had my usual "routine food" in awhile! It feels good to be back on track! Plus I've gone 54 hours without solid food as of now and I'm not in the binging mood which is also super great.

Hahaha oh and I loved all your boob stories, it seems that they're either too big or too small! If only we could average them all out XD

-----

The Abercrombie thing turned out to be incredibly annoying. So I take the subway there (that's $2.25!) and it turns out they canceled the interview today without letting anyone know. There were like 5 people behind me who came for the same thing too. Man... Anyway I had to reschedule for next next Monday. I didn't want to pay another $2.25 again (that would have been almost $5 for nothing!) so I walked about 50 NYC streets and 4 avenues. Which is what, 3+ miles?

Took me about an hour to get back to my apartment. I'm a pretty slow walker huh. My excuse is that I was tired and had no energy so there! Not that it matters to anyone hahaha. As for the jeans thing... My roommate gave me her smallest pair and I could put them on and take them off while they were still zippered and buttoned. This definitely made me feel a lot better, especially since I think she looks really tiny!

However this weekend is going to be pretty bad, I have to go home tomorrow after class so I can "properly" celebrate my mom's birthday. I'm planning on making miyukgook (Korean birthday soup) with my sister which won't be too bad since it's basically just seaweed, broth and seasoning. Instead, I'm worried about the cake. It wouldn't be such a big deal except that I am LITERALLY the only person who ever eats it because I'm a fatty who can't stay away from sweets while everyone else in my immediate family couldn't care less (even my dad!).

BUT NOT THIS TIME!! Since I can't avoid getting a big piece (my family knows me too well...) I'll just have to take a bite and mush the rest up so it just looks like the cream is left (which they know I don't eat). Then the next problem is that I will probably have to stay until at least Saturday which means two days of home food and temptations. Not to mention that I won't have my Scale of Truth with me which means using the crappy one at home. Great :(

I suppose the best I can do is try to eat only one or two meals in front of my mother and say I ate a lot other times. And of course I'll leave fake evidence behind hehe. Sigh, well I'm still going to be expecting a weight increase by the time I can get back to my apartment. I must be 101 by Monday no matter what though!

I hope everyone is doing well <3

I have officially determined that I have dropped a bra size. I believe this is a pretty incredible feat considering I was only a 34A. 32A fits when I tighten it to the max but now I have serious concerns that I will eventually be forced to wear sports bra's or simply go in the nude. Unfortunately, neither appeal to me.

I was doomed from birth. Being Asian almost guaranteed that I would have a short stature and of course, when I gain fat my boob size stays the same. What amazes me however is the fact that when I lose weight, I always somehow lose boob-age first before any other area on my body. I don't really have much to spare :( I already could be mistaken for a boy with my super push up's but soon I'm not going to have anything to work with at all!

Ok rant over.

I have one of those group interview's with Abercrombie today which I'm reallllly hoping is going to go well. I usually sound like a fumbling idiot when I'm asked question's that I'm not expecting :/ Anyway, I'm freaking out a little because I want to dress Abercrombie-ish which I know means wearing jeans. Tights, thigh-high socks and leggings are NOT going to cut it. I have with me the one pair of jeans from high school that is not only way too loose but is black which I hear is *taboo* in Abercrombie.

This means borrowing from my roommate. Her jeans are not as loose as the pair that I have but are still roomier than I'm comfortable with. I have serious leg-coverage issues if you guys couldn't tell. I feel best when my legs are naked because I think any layers on top of them make them look fatter. And yes, I know it is counterintuitive and doesn't make logical sense. I dunno, ANY kind of jeans just makes me feel so freaking fat. It makes me even more antsy about the thickness of my calves/thighs/hips/etc.

Arghh I know I'm going to be spending just about the whole interview thinking about how I look too fat to work there (all their employees are tall + skinny + gorgeous...). But I really need this job. I've got $13 in my bank account :/

-----

Day 3

Yesterday's fast went well (approximately 30 hours so far) and today I'm going to be doing:

-2 cups Trop50 Orange Juice (100 cal)

That's right. Today is a juice fast day :) Which I have never done before but am quite confident I will succeed in doing. I have to do whatever it takes to get rid of this weight and fat that's holding me down. This way I'll have 48+ hours of absolutely no solid foods and only 100 calories in liquid. Still debating whether I should dilute my juice or not hmmm.

I promise I won't be fasting tomorrow though haha. Absolutely can't risk it!

*K - GOOD LUCK!! How long are you going for? Don't let the binge-monster catch you!
*morbid.diathesis - LOL fasting queen! Omg I wish! One day I want to do a 10 day water fast :) One day...

Day 2

Fasting today. Ok ok I know it seems counterproductive considering what happened last week but I always think of fasting as a new start and it'll only be for one day :)

As for my weight... I'm too embarrassed to reveal it right now :/ So I'm going to have an official weigh-in on the 15th and I must be 101 lbs by then. This way I'll be kept accountable and feel even more obligated to reach this short-term goal. So hurray!

Last nights dinner went alright, could have been better. Ate mostly protein but of course my dad made me cookies which I couldn't resist sigh. Why oh why must my dad be in a baking craze and more importantly WHY did I eat them. The smarter decision would have been to foist them off onto my roommates but nooo.

I paid for it in the scale so I suppose justice has been served. I plan on drinking *lots* of water today. I want to flush EVERYTHING out of my body.

I want to feel empty~~~

To my beautiful follower's:

Thank you.

*owlatthemoon, *Sottile, *Ellesee, *Nia Patterson, *For the Prophet, *Kristal, *anna~, *Iris, *All.That.Wander.Are.Not.Lost, *Alisha, *MyLovelyAna, *Blair, *bony bunny, *BellaAna, *jetadore, *Sosic, *Goal_Thin, *janedoejordan, *K, *Dreams.and.Bones, *Lila Lee, *Maria Nappi, *R, *VictoriaCrimson, *yocee2, *morbid.diathesis, *Charlies, *sara, *Minus Human, *RaeLynn, *Isobel, *kate fisher, *Stacy, *empty_pure.

I had started this blog with the intention of having a non-physical recording of my weight loss and had honestly never dreamed that anyone would find much interest in reading it. I am so thankful for each and every one of you, you are all proof that I am not alone :)

As for my commenter's - I wish I could fully express how much your words have touched me. I certainly don't feel like an inspiration (more like a failure) but I am incredibly glad that I was able to touch even one of you.

I don't "hope" that we will all reach our goal's.

I KNOW that we will.

I'm a dull person. I am also lazy. I've never had real dreams or aspirations to do anything great or significant. I have only ever wanted to get a decent paying but not too strenuous job and live comfortably for the rest of my life. Even this is only because it is what society has taught me that I should want at the very least.

I'm not very interested in matrimony and I'm pretty sure I'm going to adopt if I choose to have children. There really has been nothing that I have ever wanted so badly that I *knew* I would do whatever it took to get it.

I have a dream now. It is December 28, 2010. In my mind, I see myself wearing sleek Doc Marten's with pitch black True Religion skinny jeans. There will be no protruding thighs and my legs will be two straight parallel lines. In fact, the gap between them will be so large that I will not be able to get them to touch no matter how I try.

My hip bones will peek out over the top of these jeans and lead up to a perfectly flat stomach. I imagine I will likely be wearing my Mango leather jacket due to the weather and thus my upper body will be hidden from view. However, I will feel the proof of my thinness and I will be satisfied.

Before I blow out my 20 candles I know there will be many things that I will want to wish for.

Being thin will not be one of them.

-----

Day 1

It is my mother's birthday on Thursday but our family will be celebrating it today since everyone will be available. Any celebration in my family means dinner and so we are going out to a popular Korean restaurant.

Thus, I will not be eating today except for this dinner.

At dinner, I will not eat rice, noodles or anything carbohydrate-based and instead focus on protein's, while of course eliminating any signs of fat. I will avoid any oils and sauces. I will cut my food into small pieces and chew thoroughly. I will eat so slowly that I will be the last to finish my meal, even behind my grandmother with bad teeth and my sister who is notorious for being a picky eater.

It is ok to feel full, as long as this meal is the only one I have in the entire day. That's all there is to it.

I'm back :)

My roommate is terribly sick. We think it's the flu because she has been throwing up every which way and she's had bad diarrhea. Although I feel awful for her because I know she's in a lot of pain, I can't help but be jealous of all the weight that she's losing.

Yes - it's mostly water weight.

Yes - she's going to gain it all back.

Yes - it is probably not worth it.

Still, losing weight is losing weight. The last time I was that sick I literally lost 10 lbs. I gained most of it back but I still lost about 3 lbs and was able to maintain it.

I'm jealous :(

Darn my ridiculously healthy immune system.

I haven't given up on my UGW.

I went to True Religion to try on their jeans and I am so close to fitting into a Size 23.

I just need to lose... +8 lbs.

I spent a lot of time thinking about what I want to do. I can't say that I've figured much of anything out.

BUT. The only thing I can definitively declare is that I am going to reach 95 lbs before I turn 20 years old.

Please, please God, help me accomplish my goal. There are many things that I do not know about this world but I do know that I will not be able to handle entering the 3rd decade of my life with all this fat that is hanging off my body.

I need to be renewed. I NEED to feel pure, light, empty.

For once, even if only for a little while, I need to look in the mirror and believe that I am thin and beautiful.

Perhaps I will not be any happier then. Perhaps I will realize that it was all for naught. Perhaps nothing will change.

But right now, this is all I have. This is my only hope. This is what I've decided to place all my bets on and I'm going to give everything I have to win the jackpot.

Midnight tonight will mark the start of 50 days to my birthday on December 28th.

I will do it.

Wish me luck.

Long story short I ate more than I wanted to after ending the fast. Currently weighing in at 102.6 lbs. I know, it's a tragic #.

I was *supposed* to be taking it easy and have a few snacks but it really never works out that way. Anyway, I'm in the middle of a 36 hour water fast and tomorrow will be 24 hours of only 100 calories worth of orange juice. This way it'll be another 60 hours of no food which I'm banking on bringing me back down to the 100's.

I really LOVEHATELOVEHATE my scale. The #'s I see on it are paralyzing. The good day's tell me that as long as I keep on doing what I'm doing I'll have the "privilege" of continuing to have good day's. The bad day's tell me that I'm a fuck-up and I better get my ass in gear because otherwise I've just proven that I can't do this one single thing for myself.

-----

So as I was sitting here and writing this post, I had a moment.

I was genuinely hungry today and I could tell because my stomach actually growled which it hasn't done for weeks.

And I thought "I'm starving". I told myself to shut up and deal because there was still 18 hours to go. Then I weighed myself every hour for 3 hours, looking for a sign to tell me if I was being good or bad.

It was the same # each time.

Afterwards, all I could think was -

I'M HUNGRY.
I'M HUNGRY.
I'M HUNGRY.

I was miserable.

It was the kind of misery that I felt when I finally could no longer handle my weight and my body and my fat and my ugliness and my disgusting-obtrusive-revolting self.

It was the kind of misery that made me stop eating. Food became known as calories and it was how I judged my worthiness. Worthiness for what? For my perfect-beautiful-THIN self that I thought I would discover if I just worked harder for it.

It was the kind of misery that made me understand that right at this moment, I wanted to eat more than I wanted to get back down to 100 lbs.

So I ate.

And I'm not happy, but I'm not miserable.

I'm not sure where to go from here.

100.8 lbs. 2 lbs lost after 72 hours of strict water fasting with approximately 1/4 teaspoon of honey. I honestly can't believe it. Have I finally done it? Am I *actually* seeing the # 100?

Love to you all <3

63rd hour 101.0 lbs. Hot damn. I have finally finally FINALLY reached my 1st goal weight :) And now I can go fix my admittedly crappy looking nails ahaha.

I'm super glad I haven't gone into the whole extremely dizzy/nauseous/can't stand straight phase that I did from the last fast but I do feel very weak. I'm walking around like an old woman now, nobody had better make sudden movements around me! I am however experiencing heart palpitations again which I know are no good :/

-----

Ok spoke too soon. Right after I wrote all that I went through the dry heaving fiasco again and everything >_> I just barely managed to open the bottle of honey, stick my finger in it and shove it in my mouth (I swear, it was nothing dirty lol). But it's pretty amazing, I only had very little, like maybe 1/4 of a teaspoon and I felt immediately better. Crazy! Glad I did my research :) I wonder how people ever survived without internet hmmm.

I have school from 3:30-8:30 tonight but I think I might skip my first two classes and just attend my 7-8:30 class... I NEED to finish this fast and I don't want to risk *anything* happening that may prevent me from doing so. This way, at precisely 6pm I can have have some orange juice which will hopefully give me enough energy to make the 30 minute subway commute, attend class, come back and make it back up the 5 flights of stairs to my apartment. Sounds pretty good to me~

I'm pretty excited to end the fast. Fasting definitely gives me a feeling of accomplishment when I've completed what I set out to do but in all honesty, I'm just tired and cranky and want to eat. I was debating with Isobel about whether we should extend the fast into Friday but I don't know if I could make it. Or I should clarify, my body could most definitely go on for longer but my mind might go psycho instead!

*Charlie - Yesss I was kind of figuring something like that was happening because I lost much quicker the first time around and I hadn't eaten much between then and now. It's so unfortunate :( And thank you for comment <3
*miss alisha - Hahaha I only *wish* I could work out but I think I would collapse on the very first squat! But you're right, I will probably forgo fasting for awhile at least until I know my metabolism is up and running again :) And those are great exercise tips, I will absolutely be looking up how to do them as soon as I know I'm capable of doing them hehe~ 1 lb to get to the doubles whee!

41st hour of the water fast. I'm only 101.8 lbs. Trying not to feel too down about it. I'm not going to make assumptions about why my weight loss has been slowing down until the entire 72 hours has passed. As much as I want to start freaking out about how I'm not losing fast enough I'm just going to use this to fuel my determination to finish. At least I know that from this hour on I will be reaching a new low :D

I won't let myself down, I won't let Isobel down, and I won't let anyone who happens to read this blog down because I am NOT a quitter. I won't LET myself be a quitter.

I had another food dream (NIGHTMARE) last night. This time, my mom made this huge platter of Korean japchae (basically noodle/vegetable stirfry) and I knew I definitely did not want to eat it (although it's one of my favorite foods). To make it look like I was eating I took a really big bite but my intention was to chew/spit it. I'd like to mention I have never done nor had the urge to chew/spit before. Anyway, before I could spit it out my dad starts talking to me and I had to swallow it all :( I woke up again thinking that I ate it. These dreams are SO disturbing!

I had another dream when I went back to sleep but this one was much more pleasant :) I was in a department store and I was trying on all these jeans but all of them were huge on me! At the time I was getting upset because I couldn't find any that fit me but in retrospect, that's pretty much how I want it to be when I go jeans shopping hahaha.

I canceled on my friend btw, I was just EXHAUSTED and had no energy whatsoever. Tried to do some more exercises but I only got through 3/4 of what I did yesterday. Ew. OH and thanks for the pilates tip! I've kind of read up on it and it seems that it's most effective in a gym setting? Any recommendations on any "at-home" exercises? I'm too poor at the moment to buy a gym membership ;_;

Today's going be a long day. I have Organic Chemistry Lab which means walking 30 minutes there and back while standing/walking around for hours during class. Which I usually like. BUT it'll start around the 48 hour mark which is when I started feeling the really bad symptoms from the last fast. Well, hopefully I'll be ok because I'm pretty damn sure I won't be able to just take out my measuring spoons and honey while we're doing some random chemical experiment. Lol.

I've never *truly* known what addiction was until I started to actively lose weight. I am addicted to The Number. It tells me how I will feel for the rest of the day and if I deserve to be punished and what needs to be done to push myself further and what I will be eating (or not) for the next week. I am always, always genuinely hurt when The Number is higher today than it was yesterday no matter if it's a difference of 0.2 or... I can't even write it.

If only I could wear jeans without feeling like a complete fatass. If only I could look in the mirror and think that I was skinny enough. If only I could eat what I wanted and not frantically try to figure out how many calories I just consumed.

IF ONLY I COULD......

THANK THE LORD I'm only up to 102.8 lbs. I seriously thought it was going to be AT LEAST 103. 7 hours into the fast. I'm incredibly motivated right now, I know I'll make it through the other 66 hours. I'm already getting head rushes when I stand up too fast. It is incredibly relieving!

Anyway, I've definitely calmed down from the previous post if you couldn't tell haha. But really, the only good thing about binging was that I did a #2 twice which is a miracle since I've only been going like once a week recently. Sorry if tmi but it can't be helped :D

Btw I received a sign yesterday to stop eating - but did I pay attention? Nooo I didn't! I was cutting up my pizza with a fork and knife like the good slow eater that I am and towards the end of the 1st slice the fork completely snaps and cuts my finger pretty bad. What do I do? I get up, get another crappy plastic fork, hold a napkin against my finger to soak up all the blood and continue eating like it's nobody's business. Sigh.

A friend I haven't seen in awhile wants to meet up tomorrow and either "grab food or just chill @ ur place". Well. We all now what I'll be suggesting! If she still wants to eat I guess I'll say I already ate at school or that I don't have any money... But I think the 1st option is probably safer right? There are too many loopholes with the 2nd and I absolutely can't risk it!

I've also been slacking in the exercise department. It's no use being thin if I'm not toned! I don't want to be a "sagging" kind of skinny if you know what I mean! So far I've done:

-4 sets dumbbells
-100 squats
-100 crunches
-100 leg lifts
-100 single leg lifts (per leg)

Anyone have suggestions about other calisthenics? I've given up lunges because my calves are huge enough and I am literally incapable of doing sit-ups and push-ups. It's pretty embarrassing so don't tell anyone! XD

I've been thinking very hard about what I want my reward for 98.5 lbs to be and I've finally got it: Doc Marten's! I've been wanting a pair foreverrr but I could never really justify the price. I think getting in the double digit's warrant it though~ Now the only question is what color I should get them in!

I'll try to update this post every 6-12 hours or so, it helps me stay on track :)

***Update:
17 hours in, 102.4 lbs. Losing 0.4 lbs seems to be pretty consistent every 6-12 hours with me. It's a good thing :) However I absolutely must *pass* 101 by Friday!

*Isobel - My scale *does* make me go crazy but after my last scale broke (darn all the people who had to weigh themselves every time they saw it) I had to make sure I got a super duper awesome scale that is solar-powered so I never have to change the battery and is supposed to be crazy accurate. I figured I may as well splurge on it since I was going to be using it VERY often haha. I hope you're doing well!!
*Spacecadet18 - It all started because I bought TWO slices of pizza instead of one. I swear, if I had just controlled myself and only gotten one I wouldn't have been the total mess that I was :( It all goes downhill once I start...
*miss alisha - Buying food is like a big deal to me so if I buy it I feel obligated to eat it even if I'm full or clearly don't *want* it. Frustrating!! Still. I have no right to make excuses!

I cannot even fully describe the anxiety and self-hatred I felt after I ate "normally" today. I was so angry that I ate and was disgustingly full and I hate that I bought a 2nd slice of pizza because I thought I would want it but I didn't and I ate it anyway and I bought that package of Milano's that I didn't plan on getting and ate that too plus half of a 20oz bottle of Mountain Dew when I should have drank water instead!

I'm such a pig.

I wanted to purge.

Probably the only thing that stopped me was the fact that I was at school and it would have been *very* public.

Is this how everyone else eats?? Or did I eat even more than what's considered normal? I can't even freaking tell anymore!! I feel DISGUSTING. And sick. I don't feel satiated. My craving for pizza is long gone, just the idea of it is absolutely REPULSIVE and I can't believe I even wanted to eat it in the first place!

I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS

But I hate myself for being weak more than anything else.

Starting the water fast today Monday 6pm rather than at midnight because I NEEDNEEDNEED my control back.

Nowadays I'm only one of two things: starving or bloated. I hate the feeling of both! But at least the feeling of constant hunger means that I'm being PRODUCTIVE and actually GETTING SOMEWHERE.

I covered my mouth for the entire hour and 15 minutes of class because I knew that if I didn't I would throw everything back up right then and there.

This is why I don't deserve to eat.

Sighhh 102.0 lbs. You guy know how I feel about ___.0 lbs right?? Can't say I'm too surprised though. 6 more pounds to go before my UGW! Here's a goal schedule I made up to help me stay on track:

-11/5 >101 lbs
-11/8 >100 lbs
-11/11 >99 lbs
-11/17 >98 lbs
-11/21 >97 lbs
-11/25 >96 lbs
-12/1 95 lbs

There is an order to this I promise haha. This way I can spend the month up to my birthday working on maintaining. Yay :)

Today is a Free Day. This means I will let myself eat what I want in CONTROLLED portions and definitely not in excess. I wanted to stay below 800 calories or at the very least 1000 calories MAX but I think if I count calories today I'm just going to feel worse about it in the end. Anyway, the point of today is to get my cravings out of my system so that I won't have any excuses to mess up the 72 hour water fast.

On the menu:
-2 slices of pizza (ideally 1)
-1 small serving of fries
-handful of mini sugar donuts
-1 small package of chocolate crackers
-1 banana

No more! I'm already estimating the calorie count in my head >_> Eating more is not worth the stress it would bring me! I will expect that my weight will go up to the 103's tomorrow although I'll be devastated if it reaches 104... However 105 would be death. Arghh look at me I'm already freaking out about this.

Oh yes but the totally amazing 72 hour water fast is starting at midnight! I've got my honey ready :D I'm looking forward to the weight loss!

***Edit:
I FORGOT TO MENTION but I've lost 6 lbs in the month of October. Not bad I say, not bad :)

*miss alisha - 246 is great! It's really effective, I'm just way too impatient to keep with it anymore :0 And I HATE plateau's, it takes forever to get out of them and it can be so discouraging :(
*Isobel - Muffin tops are one of my worst nightmares. My phobia of wearing jeans in public is also getting a little ridiculous honestly haha. And thank you! We'll definitely lose way more in this coming month though ;)