Well... This is it.

The End.

It's not the end of my journey to attain a thinner, happier me.

I've simply "outgrown" this blog.

I was incredibly lonely. I wanted to be heard, to be related to and to relate to others. I didn't want to be alone. Above all, I was afraid to be overtaken by my fears, my faults and the imperfections that all seemed to grow day by day.

This blog was my outlet, a place to reveal the thoughts I would never dare to speak out loud to another human being.

But I'm in a different place now. I still want to be 95 lbs so so badly and I still don't have anyone I can voice all my true feelings to.

However, I'm not afraid anymore.

I haven't reached my UGW. In fact, I haven't achieved much in terms of weight loss. Most importantly, I haven't managed to grasp the happiness I keep expecting to pop up around the corner.

I'm ashamed and I'm disappointed but I'm not afraid.

I have never felt more honored than when I had my very first follower to the astonishing 74 of you now.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I'm not sure if I will be deleting this blog, putting it on private or simply leaving it be but I won't be posting here anymore.

Goodbye my loves.

Day 40

Today was pretty confusing.

I spent the day alternating between feeling like the biggest fatass in the world and thinking that I was moderately slim.

I thought the latter when I was able to wear my best friend's super skinny jeans (on her) on top of thick thigh-high socks and still have room to spare.

Then I thought the former when I realized that my thighs were blatantly curved and not straight like I wanted them to be when I wear jeans.

I spent the next three hours that we spent shopping comparing our legs in every reflective surface we passed by and I took those damn jeans off as soon as I got back to my apartment.

It appears I have yet to get over my anxiety about wearing jeans :/

Today was like a kick in the face.

I. Am. So. FAT.

I feel like I've been deluding myself into believing that I'm kind of thin because I've always compared my body to my best friend (who is really skinny even though she weighs more than me...). Wearing all her clothes that are normally very tight on her and having them be loose on me was giving me all this fake confidence.

The truth of the matter is that I am NOWHERE as thin as I need to be.

My arms are so fat that I can barely feel the bone.
My stomach is so fat that it might as well be a second butt.
My ass is so fat that it freaking DROOPS.
My thighs are so fat that... I don't even want to get into it.

Every single part of my body is fat. Fat fat fat fat fat.

Well, I've eaten a heck of a lot of crap the past week but at least this means that I've finally cleaned out my fridge. The only edible things left to eat are:

1) 45 calorie per serving tofu
2) 10 calorie sugar free JELL-O
3) 1 squash (? calories)
4) two large carrots (~35 calories each)
5) "0" calorie pickles.

I'm going home next Wednesday so I'm not planning on grocery shopping. I probably won't be able to resist buying food + snacks in general but I will CONTROL MYSELF by buying only one item at a time. If I want to eat and get fat so damn bad then I'll have to make another trip.

The biggest thing that confirms to me how fat I'm getting is the fact that the gap between my thighs has gotten smaller. It's not gone, but it's definitely shrunk.

FML.

Day 39

Tomorrow will mark 10 days to my birthday. I don't weigh anywhere near where I told myself I would but I can deal with that. Well, as long as my thighs don't touch ever again.

I'm not sure what exactly prompted this 'acceptance' of my body ('happy' is certainly not right and even 'content' is pushing it) but I'm relieved that I can eat something as simple as sushi without feeling overwhelming guilt and anger at myself.

My last week or two of posts have been detailing my binges, my attempt at making up for these binges, my plans, my self-doubt and my general insecurity about where I'm headed.

It's enough.

I need to stop worrying about the future and focus on the present, as cliche as that may sound. I don't know if I can do it but I'll try. After all, there are finals to study for, presents to buy and friends to meet.

And now I present Madonna :D

-----

"Die Another Day" - Madonna

I think I'll find another way
There's so much more to know
I guess I'll die another day
It's not my time to go

Day 38

Well - I've been eating.

Con: I've gained weight
Pro: My thighs still don't touch

Con: I'VE GAINED WEIGHT
Pro: At least I've plateaued at 104.0 lbs for 3 days now

Con: I'm fat
Pro: There isn't one

If I go up to 105 lbs I may want to shoot myself. However, I've been crapping like there's no tomorrow which may be in part because I've been trying to binge on my Fiber One Cereal.

I'm stressing out. My Orgo Final is tomorrow... I don't know if this is contributing to my sudden complete lack of will power and self-control.

I don't know.

I don't know anything at all.

Day 37

What the hell am I doing?

Day 36

What do I want:

To eat and be fat?

Or

Starve and be thin?

The latter of course.

Now if I could just stop myself from doing the first...

Day 35

102.8 lbs.

16 days left.

Let's do some math:

To lose 1 lb there must be an approximate 3500 calorie deficit.

My BMR ranges around 1300.

I need to lose 8 lbs.

Therefore 3500 x 8 = 28000 total calorie deficit.

28000 / 16 = 1,750 calorie deficit per day.

This means that in addition to my BMR of 1300 I need to burn another 450 calories per day for 16 days in order to reach a total deficit of 28000.

Oh, btw this is only the case if I was water fasting for all 16 days.

It's impossible.

Feasible, but because I know how weak-willed I am, impossible.

Therefore I'm changing my birthday goal to 98.4 lbs instead.

3500 x 4.4 = 15400 total calorie deficit which means 15400 / 16 = 962.5 calorie deficit per day.

My BMR of 1300 - 962.5 = 337.5 calories I am allowed to eat maximum per day.

Of course I'll still be doing my calisthenics but the calories they burn are minimal so I won't be including them. When I go home I'll have access to DDR and the gym which I will use to burn the excess calories I will inevitably ingest.

Am I disappointed and upset that I'm raising my goal weight?

Very much so.

But I've realized that since Thanksgiving I've generally been ranging between 100-101 lbs. No major gain (upper 102's) and no large loss either (lower 99's is the farthest I've managed). Isn't this a true plateau?

I'm lowering the standard for myself. I only have to get 0.8 lbs below my lowest weight reached which isn't even a full 1 lb. There is no excuse for me not to attain it. I'm going back to meticulously counting.

I do not have any food-related engagements from now to my birthday (with the exception of Christmas) and I will not be making any. I will be a social hermit. I won't be able to avoid eating out with my family but I will burn off the calories matter how long it takes.

New plan + new goal = new me?

I tried on Size 24 jeans at Forever 21 which is the first time I've tried on any kind of pants since I went to True Religion so many weeks ago when I started this 50 day countdown.

They fit perfectly.

I know it's Forever 21 and I don't know how accurate their sizing is but it was the encouragement I needed.

Regardless of what I weigh on December 28th, I'm going to buy those True Religion Size 23 jeans. Weight is an indicator of how fat I am but these jeans are going to be an indicator of my thinness.

I've also realized that my blog name "not.quite.ana" is terrible. When I started this blog I had been trying to think up a name that would be original and memorable but now I know that it is an awful representation of myself.

I don't WANT to be known as being "not.quite.ana". I had meant it to be a warning to myself not to take things too far but I think that my use of the word "ana" can be construed as highly offensive to those who truly are suffering from the disorder known as Anorexia Nervosa. Not the cutesy, internet made nickname "ana".

I would appreciate it if anyone could help me brainstorm a new name. I have a couple in mind but I'm curious to see what everyone else's thoughts are on this.

Thank you :)

Day 34

Ended the fast (if you can barely call it that) at 28 hours and I weighed 100.2 lbs.

I ate a little from the Whole Foods Breakfast Bar.

Then went to Barnes and Noble to read "Unbearable Lightness" by Portia de Rossi (which was AMAZING btw and I highly highly highly recommend it!).

There's one quote that I want to share because it is exactly how I feel a lot of the time: "I felt that the calories were impossible to quantify and so that meant that the food had no energy or matter so I could eat everything, or because the calories were impossible to quantify, I could eat nothing at all".

When I don't know how many calories I'm eating (as in there's no nutrition label) I always take it as an excuse to eat whatever the heck I want.

I say this because on my way back to my apartment from Barnes and Noble I walked through the Farmer's Market that's held in that area every week. ...It just HAD to be today didn't it.

Anyway, I bought 1 large Gingerbread Cookie, 1 Raspberry Walnut Square, 1 Rice Krispie Cube and 3 small plain donuts.

Darn my sweet tooth.

All these "homemade" style baked goods taste so much better than the packaged stuff. I actually still have 2 donuts and 3/4 of the Cranberry Walnut Square left and it's honestly only because I am unbearably stuffed.

This is tmi (as usual) but I can tell when I've eaten a lot when I need to do a #2 right after eating. Which I did. Poo times are both glorious (only in terms of weight loss and expelling waste lol) and a sign that I ate enough to poo in the first place.

Ugh, I always eat whatever I want on the days when I know I'll be obligated to eat. Grrr stupid birthday dinner, I still have to go to that in a few hours sigh. I seriously have so many binge triggers, I envy everyone else's self control!!

I'm feeling a lot better today despite eating what feels like 139075892378492036 calories in case you all couldn't tell :D It may be partially because I'm only slightly numb now instead of feeling like I'm going to get frostbite?

I'm just glad I'm going clubbing tonight because it's frankly the only real, heart pumping exercise I get when I'm at school!

I haven't weighed myself since I've eaten but... I think I'm going to hold that off until tomorrow morning. I can be upset then.

Today's my first break from papers and classes and finals until next Thursday which is probably contributing to this good mood lol.

Not even my bulging, fat bloated stomach can ruin this positive thing I've got going on which is really saying something!

I hope you're all prepared to hear me go on another self-pity rant tomorrow ahaha.

Day 33

I fasted for 24 hours.

I weighed 101.0 lbs.

Then I had 300 calories.

I weighed 101.8 lbs.

I was so close to hyperventilating when I saw I magically gained almost an entire pound after eating only 300 calories spread out over 6 hours >_>

I'm currently 18 hours into a 36 hour fast and it is taking all of my energy not to check the scale more than once every 3 hours.

I currently weigh 100.8 lbs.

Eh. Stupid triple digit's.

I have the birthday dinner tomorrow but I looked up the menu online and it looks like I'm getting a salad without the cheese.

The scale keeps going up every time I eat something. I HATE that I had 300 calories. I ate because for some dumb reason I thought that I shouldn't be depriving myself, that eating just a little wasn't going to mess up my progress.

It did.

I shot up 0.8 lbs and ok, I know it was temporary weight but that didn't stop me from wanting to rip out my hair.

Make it stop. WHY CAN'T I STOP GAINING WEIGHT.

I can't believe I ate 300 effing calories.

Why would I do that to myself? I KNOW how much better a continuous fast is, 24 hours without eating isn't going to do anything. WHY did I eat WHY WHY WHY.

I've been in a pretty pissy mood - It probably doesn't help that my room (the living room) doesn't have a heater and the 5 blankets I've bundled myself in isn't keeping me from freezing my ass (or at least my fingers) off.

It's hard to even type this right now and I have goosebumps all over my body even though I'm as covered up as can be. I hate winter. I can't believe I used to wear shorts OUTSIDE without leggings or tights the past two years. I was so insane.

Ignore me - I sound like a whiny little brat but I'll feel better tomorrow (I think).

I'll push through, I'll get to the other side, I have to.

-----

All I'm worth is 100.8.

Day 32

I'm bloated.

Why?

I binged of course.

I threw out everything that I didn't consume.

My fridge is much emptier now - Thank God.

Another lesson learned: Food shopping binges only enable actual binges.

I was terribly upset, I didn't do as well on my test as I could have because of it.

But I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself.

Yea, I'm fat and I hate myself.

That's old news and today's a new day.

I haven't checked the scale and I'm not going to.

I'll be better. Stronger. In control.

I have one goal. Just one.

I've gotten off track for an entire month now.

I've been gaining and losing the same pounds over and over but NO MORE.

I will gain the peace and the mental clarity that I need to succeed.

95.

Ni-ne-ty-fi-ve.

10 letters, 2 numbers and 1 me.

No comments please.

As much as I love every single one of you, I need to do this on my own.

Thank you so, so very much <3

I don't mean to double-post in one day but I have been newly inspired and determined by *Isobel, *M.Bec, *miss alisha, *Gina and *struggle2bethin!!!

After writing that last post I proceeded to have 450 calories:

-1 Lightlife Tofu Pup (60 cal)
-1 slice bread (70 cal)
-1 cup 365 Organic Beef and Spinach Ravioli (230 cal)
-1 So Delicious Fudge Bar (90 cal)

Total: 450 calories
Fat: 9.5g
Carbohydrates: 72g
Protein: 22.5g

I could have done better. But it is definitely not the worst that I'm capable of.

It's 9 hours after that without eating and I am... 101.4 lbs. Ugh, if I didn't eat I'm sure I would be lower now. Well, I can't change the past but I can take action NOW.

I'm going to continue fasting until I am in the 100's. I want to say 99 but the risk of me breaking before then is embarrassingly high so I'll take it slow.

I mean it this time. I don't want to be the person who breaks promises anymore. I'm going to do this.

When I'm in the 100's I will eat 100 calories MAXIMUM every 12 hours until I am in the 99's. I may edit this part later on but this is the general idea for now.

I have no obligatory outings except for the birthday dinner on Saturday. I will fast 24 hours before and after it and I will order the healthiest and smallest item on the menu. Chances are we're probably going to an Asian restaurant but if the option of salad is available then I'm snapping it up. Screw anyone else's opinion. We're also going clubbing again that night so I will do my best to keep my body constantly moving.

At least there won't be cake.

However this night may turn out to have a lot of unexpected factors popping up so I MUST be 99 by then.

I can do it I can do it I can do it.

I can't I won't I WILL NOT mess this up.

I can BECOME a stronger person. A person that I can be proud of.

95 is in my grasp. It's close enough to touch.

I'm going to be thin.

I hate how my roommate always surprises me by looking at my laptop screen when I don't expect it. I don't usually have time to change it to something "normal" i.e. not eating/weight/dieting/nutrition/calorie related so I end up making something stupid up.

For example I was reading an ED poem called "Death of a Thousand Cuts" that I found through *anna~'s blog and I quickly scrolled down the screen but not before my roommate was like "What are you reading??? I just saw 'Death of a Thousand Girls'" (who knows what she was thinking of). I was freaking out and I said "Nooo it was 'Death of a Thousand Cats!'". Lol I can be really dumb... I wish I was wittier (this is assuming I was had any wit in the first place)!

Another thing: I hate taking pictures but my friend took a couple at that birthday party I went to last week. It was the first time that I realized that I DO look sickly. I have huge bags under my eyes and even though I'm not that pale my face was pasty looking. At the time that the picture was taken I thought I was smiling but in reality it looks like I'm grimacing.

I guess that's the price I pay.

Jeez I looked awful though, the first thing I'm doing when I hit my UGW is pampering myself and making sure my face matches my body haha. Screw the cost. It'll be worth it :)

Anyway. Back to business.

Day 31

24 hours of no food and I'm only freaking 101.4 lbs.

I'm starting to lose hope guys... I want to be *95* so bad but don't know if it's going to happen by my birthday. I know I can lose the weight by then but I just don't think I can maintain it through Christmas and while I'm at home.

And when I lose hope I eat.

I can tell that my will power is waning. 24, 36, 48 hours of water fasting used to be so easy. It only got harder by the time I got into the 3rd day but for some reason I had more than a couple close calls in this 24 hour fast and I don't know why. I think my feeling now is that "I'm never going to reach 95 so fuck it all". Except that I CAN'T "fuck it all".

I want to eat and I know that LOGICALLY there is nothing wrong with eating but I can't. It's like, if I can't even go 24 hours without food then I'm a Big. Fat. Failure.

Well... I said I would fast until I was back in the 99's but I'm too tired and weak. See, this is what I mean about giving up!! I'm becoming a stupid quitter. I am now officially one of those people who constantly make resolutions and promises that they never keep and yet keep on making new ones anyway.

Fuck me.

I'm going to go eat now. Don't know what exactly.

Food is wasted on me. I wish I could give it all to someone more deserving.

I'm a terrible, terrible person...

I'm loaded with work this week but I'll respond to comments as soon as I get the chance. Thank you all so much for sticking with me through fat and hopefully thin!

Day 30

Sigh.

102.0 lbs.

Disgusting.

I just feel like the shittiest person.

Why can't I keep steadily losing? Why do I fall to temptation so easily? Why must I make the same mistakes over and over again?

I'm my worst enemy.

I shouldn't blame food or my friends or any other extenuating circumstance because in the end, my hands and my mouth are what determine my own fate.

Urgh.

Yesterday = Binge. Need I say more?

I've decided to fast until I get back down to the 99's. Hopefully it won't take me very long.

Only 20 days left. Time has passed by in a blink of an eye.

I've made so little progress since I started the 50 days... What have I been doing this whole time? Making up for my binges is what.

My mom told me that my hands have gotten really bony but all I heard was: "You've gotten skinnier".

I have noticed differences in my body. Not where I want to most (like my legs, stomach and arms) but I can clearly see all the indentions in my feet and hands. My wrist bone also sticks out a lot and my ankles do look very bony and tiny. My knees are knobby enough that it's slightly difficult to get into a comfortable position to sleep. The gap between my thighs is slowly but surely widening. My collarbone is clearly visible, my face has slimmed and my hip bones are definitely jutting out.

I need to remember that not too long ago I didn't have any of these. I'm still pudgy and flabby and have fat spilling everywhere else but these little markers are what's important. They make me happy.

I just need to reach for a little more of this happiness.

-----

I'm very fond of this verse in the song "Supermodel" by Jill Sobule:

I didn't eat yesterday
And I'm not gonna eat today
And I'm not gonna eat tomorrow
'Cause I'm gonna be a supermodel

...Not that I'm going to or want to be a supermodel. But you know what, NOT EATING is what it takes to at least look like one.

That is exactly what I'm going to do.

Day 29

100.0 lbs.

The reason for the terrible gain: After I had the ravioli (230 cal) and fudge bar (100 cal) I was already the bloated kind of full and decided to just start the 24 hour fast right then rather than torture myself by eating more. But a few hours later I'm craving chocolate so I have Dark Chocolate Mousse (60 cal).

Another hour later I found myself eating poutine. Poutine?? It makes me want to puke thinking about all the cheese I ate!! I did end up taking some of the cheese out but it doesn't change the fact that I still ate the whole damn thing. And the final kicker is that I had not one but THREE Edy's Sugar Free Fruit Bars (25 cal each) because I felt so sick after the poutine and needed something to settle my stomach with.

Estimated daily total: 1100-1200 calories? Why do I ALWAYS mess up my progress with something stupid!!

I think I've made the mistake of buying too much food that I actually *like*. I know that sounds weird but I very rarely want to binge on the usual low calorie stuff I get. Now look at me - I had three fruit bars and a fudge bar and a chocolate mousse cup all in one day even without counting the poutine. I threw out the rest of the 6-pack of Dark Chocolate Mousse. Yes, it was expensive and I just bought it and I can't believe I threw away my money but I cannot. Eat. Any. More!!!

I kept the Skinny Cow Fudge Bars because even though they were surprisingly DELISH they only have 100 calories with 1g of fat, 22g carbohydrates, 4g fiber and 4g protein. Still pretty worth it I think!

Today it turns out I need to meet my mother so she can hand me the laptop charger I shipped home. The one I currently have (my 3rd bootleg one from ebay) is already deteriorating again which is not good considering I have a ton of papers and finals to study for this week!

However this also means that I'll probably be expected to have dinner with her. I know myself very well - so I'll let you all know that I will be binging tonight because I can never seem to stop stuffing my face whenever I'm not at my apartment. I won't eat anything until then but I'm already expecting *another* huge gain tomorrow. Not good, especially since I once again have to go to an obligatory birthday dinner on Saturday sigh.

It's not even a week into December and I'm already fucking up BAD. I know what's at stake (like my happiness and sanity??) but no. I could understand if I was hungry, or plain STARVING, but I just felt like having chocolate and freaking fries/gravy/cheese "food vomit".

This is why I'm weak. I eat because I convince myself that I absolutely have to have so and so food right now and conveniently forget the consequences. I should only be eating when my body absolutely requires nutrients to keep on living.

I *will* be 97 lbs by next Monday. I'm too fat to allow for any slip-ups.

I need to stop.

Day 28

Yesterday I had an orgasm in my mouth as I was eating. No joke. It was so fucking delicious, I was even making moaning sounds hahaha.

It was heavenly. I went to the Whole Foods buffet and I got a tiny bit of everything, most of which I haven't had in MONTHS. Omg it was so good. I used to scarf down my food without actually tasting it but now I savor ever single bite.

I'm such a mess - most of the time I hate food with a passion but it's disconcerting to find that I'm still in love with it all the same.

The only thing was, even though I really had very little food in my takeout box I was SO FULL halfway through. I forced myself to eat another quarter of it (I hate wasting food & money!) but then I did something strange... I chew/spit the last portion :0

That was the first time I've ever done it and it was such a weird experience! I think I was simply too full to eat anymore but I didn't want to save it or throw it out. I don't know why I thought chew/spit would be a good solution but I definitely did *not* enjoy it. Chewed up food is not pretty :p

I've also realized something over the past couple months - I buy food faster than I can consume them before they spoil. I was sad to realize that my raspberries have finally started to rot and thus must be thrown out. It figures, since I bought them almost 3 weeks ago :/

I think I tend to do what I call a "food shopping binge" where I buy huge amounts of wonderful low calorie foods to compensate for the fact that I am, frankly speaking, starving myself. Even though I don't go grocery shopping very often, when I do, I can't stop until I've bought every item on my list (that I add to whenever I discover some new food I'd like to try) which usually means frequenting all three major supermarkets in my area. I can't even tell you how many times I've had my bags break while walking back to my apartment because of the sheer weight of all the food!

Yesterday was my most recent "food shopping binge" and it was my biggest one yet. I even diverged from my list to buy some very strange items (at least for me) - sorbet (1/2 cup - 100 cal), fruit bars (25 cal) and two kinds of fudge bars (90 cal and 100 cal). What on earth possessed me to buy 4 different varieties of these frozen treats?? I was never very fond of any of them even when I ate "normally". Wowww I'm retarded. And to think, my original intention in going to the supermarket was simply to restock on Fiber One Cereal. I have no control over myself!!

On a non-food note: Kaskade was amazing. When I say this I literally mean that *Kaskade himself* was amazing. The highlight of the night was the incredible dj-ing and 4 straight hours of dancing in which I hope I burned a ton of calories. Otherwise, I sincerely wanted to injure pretty much everyone I came across. Long story short - the club was filled WAY over capacity and having hundreds of people crammed in one room does NOT bode well. I had my feet stomped on several times (thank goodness I was wearing boots although it didn't help much when an overweight woman in heels kindly decided that she wished to stop all feeling in my toes), was shoved every which way, had drinks spilled on me numerous times (by the end i was sticky from my head to my back to my legs) and was followed throughout the night by various creepers of all color and age.

But you know what? It was all worth it when I got back to my apartment at 4 AM to find that my weight was 99.6 lbs.

It is now 10:30 AM and I've completed a full 24 hour fast from my one meal yesterday and I weigh 99.2 lbs. I've beaten my low weight and have less than a pound to go to my next goal weight :)

Honestly though, I'm scared that everything seems to be going too well to be true. I just think that it's pathetic of me to need an entire 4 weeks to be more or less solidly in the 90's. I need to be in the 98's tomorrow...

I couldn't count calories yesterday but it must not have been a lot if I was able to lose this much in one day. Today I'm planning on doing the exact same thing - 500 calories max and another 24 hour fast. Here's what I've planned out:

-1 small tomato (16 cal)
-16 medium asparagus (64 cal)
-0.25 bunch broccoli (52 cal)
-1 Skinny Cow Fudge Bar (100 cal)
-1/2 365 Organic Spinach Florentine Ravioli (230 cal <--another unplanned item!)
-0.75 cup Columbia River Organic Green Beans (30 cal)
-2 tablespoons 365 Salsa Hot (5 cal)

Total: 497 calories
Fat: 2.6g
Carbohydrates: 99.6g
Protein: 24.2g

I keep expecting to look drastically different when I hit the 90's but I still look as lumpy as always. Actually, the only thing I've noticed is that I can almost slide my finger between my thighs without it touching either side. I can't wait for the gap to get bigger :)

I stayed up after the club so I could do my weigh-in (I didn't want to miss the timing!) and thus have not slept for about a day and a half now. I am off to bed (yes, in the middle of the day) and do not expect to be up until it is dark.

I go to bed wishing every one of you the very best.

Good night~

Day 27

LOL HOLY SHIT.

100.0 lbs.

Why are you torturing me scale???

Yesterday went surprisingly well. I had the 230 calories worth of cereal and the veggie patty and fasted for 24 hours after that :) After eating I was deathly afraid that I had gained but I *somehow* managed to maintain and today it turns out I've lost! I'm actually more impressed that I didn't binge in the slightest, woo go me! I wanted to fast longer but I really want to keep my energy up for Kaskade so I'm planning on having a "free" day but still sub-500. Who knows how this will go. Rarely do these "free" days end as I want them to :p At least I'll be burning crazy calories tonight!!

Everything went so well yesterday, I still can't believe it haha. First, at the birthday party the cake was made out of ice cream and the venue was going to charge us $25 to store it and eat it there (that's NYC for you) so we didn't end up having it :D Then my roommate and a couple other friends wanted to have dinner but I said I just wanted to sleep (even though it was only 10 PM) and I was able to avoid that as well!

I woke up at around 2 AM after only being able to sleep for around 4 hours again which is when my roommate and friends came back to the apartment after having gone to a party. I suppose I should have been upset about this but I am really relieved I avoided the alcohol! And FINALLY, they all wanted to go out again to a lounge and I adamantly refused to go with them with excuses about how I didn't want to get dressed (remember that I'm usually half-naked at my apartment?). Turns out they weren't allowed in anyway but if they had I would have been able to divert another situation where I would have been pressured into drinking. Hurrah!

My goal is to be 98 lbs by Monday. I'll most likely be doing a 24 hour fast tomorrow, I'm so so close to being back in the 90's!!!

Day 26

Oh my goodness.

100.8 lbs and only 48 hours in for 3 lbs lost!

I'm ahead of schedule :D

I've been on top of my exercises these past couple days and I'm sore all over to prove it! My goal is to keep up with these exercises for every day of December:

-2 sets dumbbells
-100 squats
-100 crunches
-100 right & left leg lifts

It's not a lot but the point here is consistency!

This is horrible of me but... I wanted to rip out all the food I saw in people's hands. My very messed up reasoning was that "If I can't eat then you shouldn't be able to either!" Oh so very selfish of me.

BUT there is a huge problem looming ahead of me today... It's my friend's birthday and I *have* to go. The last time I went to a birthday party I literally had people shoving cake in my face until I accepted it. I was really mad that day :/ Just let me NOT eat your stupid cake!

However, my intense worry about eating junk food is overshadowed by the fact that I know I will go absolutely ballistic if I am made to break my fast. Seriously. Like go ape-shit. Ughhh no one had better make a fuss!! My roommate is already suspicious again and she's had a tendency to blurt out that I'm not eating and crap >:(

I'm looking forward to Saturday though, I'm going to see Kaskade!!! :D I am sooo excited for it, I still can't decide if I should dress rave-ish or more clubbing? This is even more of a reason why I can't break my fast, if I wear stomach-baring outfits with my friends then I HAVE to be thin and not ugly bulgy like I am usually!! I'm also not sure if I'm going to have the energy to dance the night away since the 96 hour mark will be right in the middle of it :0

Oh and since I'm not feeling *too* weak right now I've decided to forgo the juice fast for today and just stick with water. I know, I'm too flaky for my own good!

I'll be updating this again later on :)

***Edit:

It is 55 hours in and I weigh 100.6 lbs and I am ending the fast.

I slept for around 4 hours on and off until I finally got up around 5 AM because the hunger was too strong. It was a torturous decision to end the fast early and I feel weak for it but... I'm just glad I made a conscious choice rather than binge.

When I woke up I was still 100.8 lbs but I weighed myself every hour after that until I was 100.6 lbs which is only 1 lb away from my low weight. I felt that I at least owed myself this concession in the case that I was going to eat and break the promise that I made to myself and all of you.

I lost a total of 3.2 lbs. That is much more then I could have hoped to lose in the short amount of time that I didn't eat and I need to take this as an accomplishment instead of feeling like a failure.

I'm eating 1 cup Fiber One Cereal (120 cal) now and I'll probably have 1 Amy's Bistro Burger (110 cal) later on in the day. Not sure if I'll eat more than that but I do know that I am NOT going to eat anything at that party! That's the only part of today that I'm completely confident about :)

It's been an exhausting night - I hope everyone else has slept better than I did <3

Day 25

25 days and 1/2 way through the 50 Days to UGW.

24 hours into the 96 hour fast.

102.4 lbs for a loss of 1.4 lbs so far.

I'll try to update again in another 12 hours :)

***Edit:

30 hours in. 102.0 lbs wooo...

It's really annoying that I can never seem to sleep for long when I fast >< I went to bed right after writing this post and I'm already up again sigh. It's so much harder to pass the hours when I actually have to be awake for them hahahaha.

To the commenter's:
Thank you for all of your encouragement! It makes me that much more determined to succeed because I don't want to let any of you down :)

*Minus Human - I think I'm going to take your advice to make that ob/gyn appointment because like you said, not getting your period can lead to future bone problems which I definitely want to avoid!
*sofia - I'm very worried about binging afterwards too but I just hope I can control myself this time! And GOOD LUCK no matter how long you're going for, every hour without food counts :)

***Edit:

36 hours in. 101.6 lbs. 2.2 lbs lost so far and only 2 lbs to go to my low weight :)

The next time I'll be able to weigh myself will be at 48 hours and it would be so amazing if I could reach the 100's!

*Kate - Tums is a really good idea, I remember I tried them in high school and I hated the taste but I will start looking into them again!
*M.Bec - I get those "eating nightmares" all the time too, they can be *very* scary! I wish there was a way to sleep easier without having to resort to pills :/

Day 24

This is a disaster.

I feel like the apocalypse has fallen right on my fat ass.

103.8 lbs.

Yup. EXACTLY THE SAME.

How can this be?? How can I already be freaking plateauing??

I had 1 cup Fiber One Cereal (120 cal), 1 Amy's Bistro Burger (110 cal), a bread roll from Patsy's Pizzeria (~80? cal) and about one handful of Penne alla Vodka (~200??) for a total of around ~510 calories yesterday. I had thought at the time that while it wasn't a good intake it wasn't terrible either but I was apparently WRONG.

Today is December 1st and there are LESS THAN FOUR WEEKS LEFT. Omg ok I need to calm down, it's NOT time to freak out yet!

About the loss of my period, I think it *is* because of the weight loss after all according to what I've researched. The only part I'm not clear about is exactly WHEN and IF it'll be coming back? It's funny, I hate getting my period but now that I haven't had it for awhile I wish I could just get it so that I don't have to worry about it anymore! I'd like to at least have the option of conceiving my own kids in the future you know!

This is a little off topic but there is one question that I absolutely dread being asked when I meet a boy - "What do you do for fun?" It's sad, but this seriously stumps me. I usually pause and then blurt out something lame like "not study" LOL. Honestly, as of right now, "losing weight" is what I do "for fun". But of course I'll sound psycho if I say that!

-----

You know those moments where something just *snaps* in your mind and you decide to do something that is probably impulsive and risky and not really worth it?

Well I've just had mine.

4 day / 96 hour fast.

Turns out I couldn't keep myself from freaking out haha...

I was looking at myself naked in the mirror as I often do. Even though my thighs weren't touching they were closer than they were before Thanksgiving. I had fat rolls hanging over my thong strap. My ass was bigger than I remembered it. My fat was squishing out of the sides of my bra.

All I could think was "Oh my God".

I simply have to stop eating. It's simple. No food for me!

During the last 72 hour water fast I thought I would go crazy if I went for even a minute longer. However, 72 hours isn't good enough anymore. I need to be stronger than that. It doesn't mean anything if I don't keep trying to aim higher instead of stagnating.

Still, I do understand that as far as water fasts go, 72 hours is highly likely to be my limit (at least psychologically). Thus, this time I will be incorporating diluted 100% juice. I'm going to fill one of my empty 1.5L water bottles with 2/3 Trop50 Orange Juice and the other 1/3 with water. These 200 calories will be all that I am allowed in a day.

My plan as of now is to go 48 hours pure water and the last 48 hours with the juice. Hopefully this will keep my energy up and I won't feel like lying in bed is all I'm up to doing.

I promise that on December 5th I will be reporting a successful completion of this 96 hour fast. I'm rather excited! I'm going to estimate a 1 lb per day loss so my goal is to be in the 90's again by then :) Yay!

*VictoriaCrimson - Yesss, the body is so weird! I hope you're right and that it's just out of whack for a bit, I don't want to get any health-related problems in the future because of it!
*liz - Amy's is my one true love <3 It's expensive, but if you want low cal low fat healthy organic vegetarian food then Amy's is the only way to go :)
*struggle2bethin - I love the burger patties, actually if you look on the website the Bistro Burger is one of the lowest calorie foods that they make! Amy's is expensive but I think it's worth it in the long run :) Hm, I personally like fish over meat but I think the lean versions of meat are perfectly fine! I suppose my "binge times" are usually later in the day but it might be because I'm rather nocturnal? I couldn't really say :/ And I hope I will too!!
*Kate - It's so weird to think that I may have "lower" amounts of fat that's preventing me from getting my period but I think you're right :0 Or at least I hope that's all it is!
*Mich - Aw thank you, but after getting to 99 the 103's just seem so obnoxiously high :/ Haha yes I know that if I did get my period anytime soon I'll be thinking "Why did I want it again??" XD