Ughhhhhhhh 107.8. I'm hoping all this fluctuating is just water weight and that I'll be back down again by tomorrow. Tuesday I decided to be stupid and go get a subway sandwich because apparently they are totally healthy. Well guess what. It was like freaking 500 calories for one half (that wasn't even good) and I was so upset about going over that I ate the other half too to reach 1160 for the day. FML!

So I compensated yesterday by only having 410 instead of 800 and today I have it all planned out for 430 calories which should put me back on track as long as I have precisely 400 tomorrow. I'm going to have to eat "normally" again this weekend because it's my roommate and best friend's birthday so she's expecting me to come out for her two separate dinner's. Sigh. I'm also supposed to go to this really big party tomorrow which of course means alcohol. I have no idea how I'm going to dodge this one, I'll just have to hope that no one will bother questioning me as long as I have a cup in my hand that I discretely dump in the bathroom every once in awhile haha.

I'm still wondering if I should donate blood today because since I'm now only 2 lbs away from the requirement (110) there's no reason for me not to... Except that I'm afraid I'll get sick like the last time I donated which, I can promise you, was an excruciating process.

Oh and btw, it turns out that I only got a 75 on that test I was studying for. Granted, it was Organic Chemistry but I'm so pissed. I really worked my butt off for it. I hope the professor curves it reallyyy high so I can get in the upper 80's? Probably wishful thinking.

Lastly, my roommate noticed that I was staring at myself in the mirror while I was changing and she said in a knowing voice: "You're not satisfied with yourself, aren't you". I should mention that this was after she saw my weight on the scale this morning (which she considers to be "skinny") and I couldn't say anything back because it was true. Hm.

106.8 106.8 106.8! I have no idea how I did it. From Friday to Sunday I was just eating everything that I thought looked even remotely good although luckily my stomach shrunk so I couldn't eat much but still... Those 3 days were hell. Then yesterday I took an Adderall because I have a huge test today and it definitely made me not want to eat anything. Unfortunately the side effects are pretty strong for me so I can't really take it as often as I would want to :(

Yesterday was my 400 day but I only ate 360 (before taking the Adderall) and today is my 600 but I literally have no food in my fridge which is so annoying... My 600 and 800 days are getting harder and harder to fulfill just because there really isn't much of anything that I want to eat (unlike at my house where my dad is always baking and my mom always has something delicious made).

Even though I'm so ecstatic about being 106.8 lbs I can't help but feel like it's just water weight rather than actual loss of fat because I can tell that I haven't gotten thinner around my arms, legs or stomach. I ordered a tape measure online so hopefully I can finally tell for myself.

I've also given up on being able to get to a gym for at least awhile, so I've been doing strengthening exercises at my apartment with 8 lb dumbbells which I'm hoping will make me more tone. But now I'm not doing any cardio at all which is a problem... Maybe it's a good thing, because I think I'm starting to get muscles in my legs which I really, REALLY don't want!

YES I'm 107.8 lbs!! I haven't weighed this little for two years now. It's so exciting :)

Unfortunately, I have to go home for today and tomorrow which means I'll have to eat "normally" in front of my parents. I'll just have to limit as much intake as I can and hope that I don't gain weight by Sunday (which is the next time I'll be able to weight myself). Today was also supposed to be my 400 cal day but it'll also have to wait for Sunday.

I had a really hard time going to sleep last night and now I'm up at 7 am without the help of an alarm clock which NEVER happens. I think (think!) that my body is going through ketosis which is why I feel so uncomfortable. So yay again!

It'll be almost two weeks since I've started this diet and I've lost about 3 lbs which is considered "healthy" by anyone's standards. This statistic will definitely be helpful if anyone starts getting on my case, such as my mother when I finally go and get a checkup at the doctor. My last official weigh-in by a doctor was around 112 lbs. 112!! What an awful awful number.

I won't let anything or anybody stop me from getting thin.

Ugh I'm finally back on track. Monday I had 900 cal which was clearly over 800, but i compensated yesterday by only having 500 and today I had 400. Tomorrow is 200 cal, and I'm trying to think of what variations I can eat but still stay in the limit.

On another note, Fiber One Honey Cluster's tastes wayyy better than the original that I was eating, and it still has 13g of fiber! I also found frozen broccoli and cauliflower that's only 30 cal per cup which I'm so excited about because they are like the only vegetables I can eat completely raw. I'm still trying to think about how to raise my protein count and I think it's about time I started eating tofu. The only problem is that I can't eat it raw unless it's fried or with a side serving of rice... Both of which cannot be done. I'll have to think of something.

As for my weight, I shot back up to 109.4 lbs. I'm so disappointed in myself. It's already my 2nd week and this number means that I've only lost about 1 lb so far which is just pitiful. After this week, I think I'll make it a little more difficult for myself by doing a 1357 diet instead of the 2468 I've been doing if there aren't any improvements in my weight.

It's ironic but every night I have a hard time going to sleep because I keep thinking about what my weight will be in the morning, and even though I want to sleep faster so that the next day will come I just can't. There's no way to win x_x

It was a perfect day. For once. I only ate the items on my list and wasn't even hungry for more. Tomorrow is my 800 calorie day which sounds like a huge number, but sticking to this diet plan is making me follow a strict regimen which I really need. I always think about fasting or restricting more severely but I'm more afraid of losing control.

On another note--I hate my mirror. It always makes me think that I'm thinner than I actually am when every other mirror or reflection that I've seen myself in tells me the exact opposite. In reality, I'm just this short pudgy girl made up of fat rolls. So every morning when I look in my mirror and I think "ok I don't look that fat", I just get disappointed everywhere else.

I'm disgusting.

Yesterday was a complete failure. Ironically enough, at the actual dinner I only had 4 pieces of sashimi with my 1 cup of sorbet, but before and after the dinner I just went out of control and basically ate everything in my sight. I think it's because I did some hardcore volunteer work in the morning on an empty stomach, but when I got back to my apartment I just attacked a bag of popcorn my roommate left out and an entire cob of corn that I had previously decided I would throw out. Then after dinner and my friends left, I ate a whole bag of these little Chinese crackers that my roommate brought back, 5 hershey's kisses, and I even went out specifically to buy a slice of pizza. I went to bed last night feeling like a total fat pig.

I woke up this morning dreading to weigh myself but when I did, it turns out that I somehow not only did not gain weight but actually lost 0.2 lbs to go back down to 108.4 lbs. What a miracle. I couldn't believe it and I kept re-weighing myself but it was the same number each time. I ate so much junk yesterday and I can't explain how this happened but I am SO thankful.

I couldn't make myself count all the calories I ate yesterday so today is definitely my 460 calorie day. Here is what I have planned out:

-1 cup General Mills Fiber One (120 cal)
-1 slice Multigrain Bread (80 cal)
-1 medium Apple (72 cal)
-8 oz Trop50 Orange Juice (50 cal)
-4 slices Reduced Sodium Turkey Breast (60 cal)
-1 slice Sliced Lite Cheddar (70 cal)
-2 inner leaf Romaine Lettuce (2 cal)
-WATER!

Total: 454 cal

It feels good to be back on track to losing weight.

I weigh 108.6 lbs now, and I know I should be really glad that I only gained 0.2 lbs but still... This sucks.

Today would have been my 600 calorie day but in consideration of how many time's I've messed up (i.e. alcohol etc) I've calculated that I should only have 460 in order to stay on track. Which is approximately 7 pieces of sushi and 1 cup of raspberry tea sorbet. I just hope I can stick to it tonight.

Family dinner's should be banned. I couldn't get out of one tonight so I tried to order the healthiest item on the menu, grilled salmon and spinach. I was only intending to eat a little but of course, once I started I couldn't stop until I ate all the spinach and about 3/4 of the salmon. I feel SO bloated right now. My 330 calorie day was a total failure, and I have to eat out again tomorrow. This is so frustrating.

However, I was really pleased when my dad asked me if I got skinnier, and both my sister and mom said it looked like I lost weight too. This is a really cool considering I only last saw them a week ago. They all also agreed that I shouldn't lose any more weight but... Well, I'm not about to stop now!

I desperately want to weigh myself but I know I'll be devastated by the number. Instead I'll try to do some exercises before I go to sleep, because even though I'm dead tired I know I'll seriously regret passing out on a full stomach.

My new plan for tomorrow is simply not to eat anything until dinner time. I'll take my friend out for sushi so I can at least pick the rice off, and I really want to take her to this amazing dessert spot so I'll have to be prepared for that as well. Ugh, there should be calorie listings on EVERY menu. It's so hard to plan these outings when I don't even know how much crap I'm consuming.

My "binge" day is definitely off, considering how much I ate tonight. But I do find it weird how even though I get really hungry when I don't eat a lot, it still feels wayyy more satisfying than how full I feel right now. I feel disgusting and my stomach looks like it expanded another two inches. I just want to SCREAM!!!

The great news: I weigh 108.4 lbs now! Woot!

On the other hand, I literally feel like shit. I feel so weak and nauseous I can't even make myself eat a little bit of cereal. Plus I live on the 5th floor and my laundry is in the basement, so when I attempted to go get it i made it to the 3rd floor, remembered I left something in my room, and went back up. But by then my heart was pounding so fast that I just immediately had to lay on my bed. And usually, I can go up all the flights without feeling tired at all.

I'm not sure why I'm feeling like this, although I think it's either because 1) I hadn't had alcohol in over half a year and thus was extremely susceptible to its influence, leading to a hangover or 2) my body simply isn't used to consuming so few calories. I'm banking on the first one simply because I've gone without eating for whole days before and I've never felt this terrible. In any case, I have so much to do today and I can't make myself get up...

At least last night I was able to refuse my roommate's offer of food by immediately heading for the shower. Thankfully she didn't seem to think it was strange and I told her when I got out that is was because I felt dirty and smelly after spending the night out, which was true.

I haven't had the time yet to plan out what I'm going to eat today so I may have to wing it and make SURE I don't go over 330 cal.

Oh, another problem is that I made plans with a friend who I haven't seen in a long time for dinner tomorrow. To me, eating out is just completely breaking the diet, no matter how many calories I actually consume. So I figure I'll let tomorrow be my "binge" day, but try to get the most healthy options and staying under 1000 cal. Shouldn't be too hard. Then on Sunday I can restart the diet from 800 and gradually go down again.

Everything will be worth it when I'm skinny.

Hating myself. I just came back from a club where a guy offered to buy me a drink. And I'm a total sucker for free drinks. So I consumed half a glass of Long Island Iced Tea for a total of fucking 70 calories. WTF. Totally ruined the diet plan, now I had 270 cal for today which is unacceptable. I'll just have to compensate tomorrow by only having 330 calories. The current problem though is that my roommate is making gnocchi and pasta in vodka sauce and she is fully expecting me to eat it. Shit shit shit shit shit. Can't think of an excuse!!

YES I was 109.6 lbs this morning!!! Sooo excited, every pound counts!

It's my 200 calorie day which is going to be tough to arrange but I figured if I cut yesterday's servings in half and switched a few items then I would be good to go. That way I can give myself the illusion of eating "a lot" of different things and not raise suspicion at the same time. This is what I have planned:

-1/2 cup General Mills Fiber One (60 cal fiber is #1!)
-2 slices Columbus Reduced Sodium Turkey Breast (30 cal)
-Trader Joe's Sliced Lite Cheddar (35 cal ugh need a different brand)
-1/2 medium Apple (36 cal)
-1.5 oz Baby Carrots (17 cal)
-1 tbsp Hummus (25 cal)
-can't forget water water water!

Total: 203 cal

This is the first specific diet plan I've ever tried but it is surprisingly not that difficult to follow and planning my whole day out has really helped me to stay in control of what I eat. Before I decided to try this I was probably ranging around 800 calories per day but it was mostly made up of food I could get really cheap (i.e. $1 pizza, $4 chicken over rice) so even though I'm consuming less calories, I do feel that I'm taking more care of my nutritional health.

It also helps that my roommate insisted she make me a sandwich today so she can use up all her soon-to-expire ingredients and I managed to dodge this bullet by saying I would take it to class with me. Which I will. And then proceed to dump in the nearest trash can. What she doesn't know won't hurt her right?

All I want is to be thin.

Today's the 3rd day of my 2-4-6-8 diet, or more specifically, 8-6-4-2. I've already planned out my whole day to include:

-1 cup General Mills Fiber One (120 cal but 14g of fiber!!)
-1 slice Multigrain Bread (80 cal)
-1 medium Apple (72 cal)
-3 slices Hillshire Farm Chicken Breast (30 cal)
-8 oz Trop50 Orange Juice (only 50 cal with tons of vitamins and minerals!)
-1/2 slice Part-Skim Milk Mozzarella Cheese (30 cal + calcium)
-1 dark chocolate hershey's kiss (20 cal because a girl needs something to look forward to)
-all the water I can force myself to drink

Total: 402 cal

Too many carbohydrates and not enough protein for my taste, but I can't afford to be picky when the bread is about to expire. Very unfortunate.

The tricky part is to arrange it so that I'm eating when my roommates are present. They've both mentioned to me that I've either not been eating or have had an obsession with food that is "unhealthy". Which doesn't make any sense to me considering that one of them literally does not remember to eat unless reminded and when he does, it almost entirely consists of sugar/chocolate/processed/manufactured foods. And yet he's somehow obnoxiously thin and muscular. It drives me crazy. My other roommate is much the same, she only eats SERIOUSLY unhealthy food (ramen, huge bottles of non-diet coke, chips etc) and only weighs a few pounds more than me. I consider myself lucky to have not developed full blown anorexia by now in this environment.

I also can't exercise seriously because my school fitness center requires a freaking doctor to "declare" a student to be "healthy" enough before they can even take a step onto a treadmill. I thought the whole point of even going to a gym was to get healthy in the first place. What stupid logic. Plus, I don't have a doctor. Go figure. (Note to self: Find a doctor ASAP). Not to mention that private gym's are out of the question due to those damn membership prices. Who can actually afford to spend that much in a month?? Some of them cost what I get in an entire YEAR. Ugh. For the short-term I suppose I'll just have to be on the lookout for those free 1 week trial periods until I can figure something out.

Stats:
H - 5'2"
W - 110.6 lbs
BMI - 20.27

Ultimate Goal:
W - 101 lbs
BMI - 18.5 (just on the verge of being underweight)

For whatever reason I can't seem to lose these last 10 lbs, and the lowest weight I can ever remember having at this height is 105. However I'm motivated even more by my sister who is not only taller than me, but consistently ranges around 106. I mean, we have similar genes right?? My ultimate goal is not, should not, and will not be impossible.