Well... This is it.

The End.

It's not the end of my journey to attain a thinner, happier me.

I've simply "outgrown" this blog.

I was incredibly lonely. I wanted to be heard, to be related to and to relate to others. I didn't want to be alone. Above all, I was afraid to be overtaken by my fears, my faults and the imperfections that all seemed to grow day by day.

This blog was my outlet, a place to reveal the thoughts I would never dare to speak out loud to another human being.

But I'm in a different place now. I still want to be 95 lbs so so badly and I still don't have anyone I can voice all my true feelings to.

However, I'm not afraid anymore.

I haven't reached my UGW. In fact, I haven't achieved much in terms of weight loss. Most importantly, I haven't managed to grasp the happiness I keep expecting to pop up around the corner.

I'm ashamed and I'm disappointed but I'm not afraid.

I have never felt more honored than when I had my very first follower to the astonishing 74 of you now.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I'm not sure if I will be deleting this blog, putting it on private or simply leaving it be but I won't be posting here anymore.

Goodbye my loves.

Day 40

Today was pretty confusing.

I spent the day alternating between feeling like the biggest fatass in the world and thinking that I was moderately slim.

I thought the latter when I was able to wear my best friend's super skinny jeans (on her) on top of thick thigh-high socks and still have room to spare.

Then I thought the former when I realized that my thighs were blatantly curved and not straight like I wanted them to be when I wear jeans.

I spent the next three hours that we spent shopping comparing our legs in every reflective surface we passed by and I took those damn jeans off as soon as I got back to my apartment.

It appears I have yet to get over my anxiety about wearing jeans :/

Today was like a kick in the face.

I. Am. So. FAT.

I feel like I've been deluding myself into believing that I'm kind of thin because I've always compared my body to my best friend (who is really skinny even though she weighs more than me...). Wearing all her clothes that are normally very tight on her and having them be loose on me was giving me all this fake confidence.

The truth of the matter is that I am NOWHERE as thin as I need to be.

My arms are so fat that I can barely feel the bone.
My stomach is so fat that it might as well be a second butt.
My ass is so fat that it freaking DROOPS.
My thighs are so fat that... I don't even want to get into it.

Every single part of my body is fat. Fat fat fat fat fat.

Well, I've eaten a heck of a lot of crap the past week but at least this means that I've finally cleaned out my fridge. The only edible things left to eat are:

1) 45 calorie per serving tofu
2) 10 calorie sugar free JELL-O
3) 1 squash (? calories)
4) two large carrots (~35 calories each)
5) "0" calorie pickles.

I'm going home next Wednesday so I'm not planning on grocery shopping. I probably won't be able to resist buying food + snacks in general but I will CONTROL MYSELF by buying only one item at a time. If I want to eat and get fat so damn bad then I'll have to make another trip.

The biggest thing that confirms to me how fat I'm getting is the fact that the gap between my thighs has gotten smaller. It's not gone, but it's definitely shrunk.

FML.

Day 39

Tomorrow will mark 10 days to my birthday. I don't weigh anywhere near where I told myself I would but I can deal with that. Well, as long as my thighs don't touch ever again.

I'm not sure what exactly prompted this 'acceptance' of my body ('happy' is certainly not right and even 'content' is pushing it) but I'm relieved that I can eat something as simple as sushi without feeling overwhelming guilt and anger at myself.

My last week or two of posts have been detailing my binges, my attempt at making up for these binges, my plans, my self-doubt and my general insecurity about where I'm headed.

It's enough.

I need to stop worrying about the future and focus on the present, as cliche as that may sound. I don't know if I can do it but I'll try. After all, there are finals to study for, presents to buy and friends to meet.

And now I present Madonna :D

-----

"Die Another Day" - Madonna

I think I'll find another way
There's so much more to know
I guess I'll die another day
It's not my time to go

Day 38

Well - I've been eating.

Con: I've gained weight
Pro: My thighs still don't touch

Con: I'VE GAINED WEIGHT
Pro: At least I've plateaued at 104.0 lbs for 3 days now

Con: I'm fat
Pro: There isn't one

If I go up to 105 lbs I may want to shoot myself. However, I've been crapping like there's no tomorrow which may be in part because I've been trying to binge on my Fiber One Cereal.

I'm stressing out. My Orgo Final is tomorrow... I don't know if this is contributing to my sudden complete lack of will power and self-control.

I don't know.

I don't know anything at all.

Day 37

What the hell am I doing?

Day 36

What do I want:

To eat and be fat?

Or

Starve and be thin?

The latter of course.

Now if I could just stop myself from doing the first...

Day 35

102.8 lbs.

16 days left.

Let's do some math:

To lose 1 lb there must be an approximate 3500 calorie deficit.

My BMR ranges around 1300.

I need to lose 8 lbs.

Therefore 3500 x 8 = 28000 total calorie deficit.

28000 / 16 = 1,750 calorie deficit per day.

This means that in addition to my BMR of 1300 I need to burn another 450 calories per day for 16 days in order to reach a total deficit of 28000.

Oh, btw this is only the case if I was water fasting for all 16 days.

It's impossible.

Feasible, but because I know how weak-willed I am, impossible.

Therefore I'm changing my birthday goal to 98.4 lbs instead.

3500 x 4.4 = 15400 total calorie deficit which means 15400 / 16 = 962.5 calorie deficit per day.

My BMR of 1300 - 962.5 = 337.5 calories I am allowed to eat maximum per day.

Of course I'll still be doing my calisthenics but the calories they burn are minimal so I won't be including them. When I go home I'll have access to DDR and the gym which I will use to burn the excess calories I will inevitably ingest.

Am I disappointed and upset that I'm raising my goal weight?

Very much so.

But I've realized that since Thanksgiving I've generally been ranging between 100-101 lbs. No major gain (upper 102's) and no large loss either (lower 99's is the farthest I've managed). Isn't this a true plateau?

I'm lowering the standard for myself. I only have to get 0.8 lbs below my lowest weight reached which isn't even a full 1 lb. There is no excuse for me not to attain it. I'm going back to meticulously counting.

I do not have any food-related engagements from now to my birthday (with the exception of Christmas) and I will not be making any. I will be a social hermit. I won't be able to avoid eating out with my family but I will burn off the calories matter how long it takes.

New plan + new goal = new me?

I tried on Size 24 jeans at Forever 21 which is the first time I've tried on any kind of pants since I went to True Religion so many weeks ago when I started this 50 day countdown.

They fit perfectly.

I know it's Forever 21 and I don't know how accurate their sizing is but it was the encouragement I needed.

Regardless of what I weigh on December 28th, I'm going to buy those True Religion Size 23 jeans. Weight is an indicator of how fat I am but these jeans are going to be an indicator of my thinness.

I've also realized that my blog name "not.quite.ana" is terrible. When I started this blog I had been trying to think up a name that would be original and memorable but now I know that it is an awful representation of myself.

I don't WANT to be known as being "not.quite.ana". I had meant it to be a warning to myself not to take things too far but I think that my use of the word "ana" can be construed as highly offensive to those who truly are suffering from the disorder known as Anorexia Nervosa. Not the cutesy, internet made nickname "ana".

I would appreciate it if anyone could help me brainstorm a new name. I have a couple in mind but I'm curious to see what everyone else's thoughts are on this.

Thank you :)