Day 23

103.8 lbs.

I'm so relieved.

Yesterday I had 1 Amy's Bistro Burger (110 cal), 1 cup Fiber One Cereal (120 cal) and 1 slice of bread (70 cal) for a total of 300 calories.

And I did two #2's. It was probably all the crap I ate over the weekend.

All in all it's a good start :)

Don't know if any of you remember this but about a month ago I had written that I hadn't gotten my period in about 2 months... Now it's been 3. I keep waiting and waiting for it but OMG I haven't had my period in 3 months!!

I'm 100% sure I'm not pregnant and I'm doubtful that it's because of my weight. I normally get my period every 1 1/2 months so I thought it was just being irregular as usual but it's been 3 months >< I really don't know. Tell me what you guys think!

I stopped getting my period around the time that I started really restricting but I wasn't eating *that* much before then so I think it's coincidental? Plus I frankly weigh way too much for "weight loss" to be a cause. I've also heard that eating "normally" after restricting for a long time will often prompt your period but considering how many times I've binged I know this can't be the case either.

What other reasons can there be? Am I deficient in something? Is this serious enough that I should be demanding an appointment with an ob/gyn like right NOW? Actually I don't think I could meet one anyway until the end of December but I just don't know how much of a problem I should be assessing this as.

*VictoriaCrimson - Awww thank you, you're always so motivating! I know I can always count on you :D
*miss alisha - Gasp, it's amazing how we're always around the same weight! Don't worry you're going to lose quicker than you can believe on 246!!
*Kate - It appears that you are completely right hahaha. A 2 lb loss in one day is definitely not logical unless it's attributed to "poo weight"! I hope we both can get to our pre-Thanksgiving weights soon!
*Isobel - IT'S OK! One day in the large scheme of things is not going to hurt you and 246 really is a foolproof way to lose weight! I can't believe tomorrow is December either... We WILL get through it together!
*Mich - Oooh I'm glad! Apparently it has been working well for you so I know I have someone to look up to when things are going hard ;)

Day 22

I was incredibly angry and upset yesterday and I didn't want to post my weight but it's time to own up.

Yesterday I was 106.0 lbs. Today I was 105.8 lbs.

Even though my weight is ridiculously high I am somewhat relieved that I actually lost slightly after eating the crazy amount of junk that I did yesterday (yes again). It's a bit encouraging to me because it means that this is my body's "set weight", I'm just glad that there is a cap to my weight gain!!

It will be December very soon. I had this whole plan written out that included a *lot* of fasting days, eating no more than 500 calories and... Actually that's about it haha. However, for the sake of my sanity I don't think that following a strict eating plan is going to be conducive for me right now.

I'm still not sure what I want to do yet. Well, the vague idea I have is that I am basically not going to eat anything for as long as I can and when I can no longer take it I will nibble on something and then resume not eating. Put this on repeat.

Totally unoriginal. But admittedly extremely effective (as long as I don't binge). Rather than put a daily caloric limit for each day I think I will instead restrict how much I am allowed to eat in each sitting. For example I may not eat more than 150 calories per "meal". Then if I only eat when the hunger becomes unbearable I should still be well below my BMR. After the past 4 days my metabolism had BETTER be up and running again. Seriously.

Turns out my plan is not so vague after all. Wish me luck?

And now for Comment Time!!!

11.24.10
Wow did I really reach my low weight not even a week ago? It's amazing how I can fuck up my progress so much... Anyway!
To *VictoriaCrimson, *Isobel, *bonesskinperfection and *liz:
You are all so very very kind to me. Thank you >< I wish I could express my appreciation for your comments in a more meaningful way but unfortunately no other words come to mind besides those two :) So once again: Thank you.

11.25.10
*Isobel - You are totally right. I don't know sometimes I just get so crazy and I can't STAND the idea that my eating is making me gain right at that moment (although it's ironic considering how often I binge). Sigh. I have to find the middle ground :/
*miss alisha - Haha I've actually surpassed my prediction of 105 lbs... Pathetic of me yes, but I promise, we will BOTH be in the 90's by Christmas!
*Fed Up - I am completely with you. I have to admit that I'm quite glad that I'm not the only one that uses weight as an indication to see if it's alright to eat! I'm going to try to wean myself off of this (not very healthy) habit but it's so addicting!
*Lola Rose - Aw don't worry about it! However I'm afraid that my "willpower" and "control" are completely atrocious so sending you a pinch would not be in your best interest! XD

11.26.10
*anna~ - Even though I love DDR in general, my primary motivation is definitely to burn calories while playing it! And LOL to no-thanks-giving, so cute!!!
*VictoriaCrimson - YAY I'M GLAD!! And I plan to hehe~
*tracy - Nooo of course I don't think it's creepy, there really is no "age requirement" to all this! I wish I could believe you, I wish I could believe everyone who tells me that, but I truly can't. However thank you, thank you for trying :)
*Isobel - Hurray you're back hahaha. I missed you very much love <3 Thank goodness I won't have to worry about another Thanksgiving until next year!!

11.27.10
*miss alisha - I am 100% back on the bandwagon. I won't have to go home again until Christmas and NOTHING can stop me from attaining my dream :) We are both so freaking close!
*Charlie - Yes. Let's!
*Isobel - I love your comments, you're always so encouraging! You're right as usual, I *did* anticipate this gain and now it's time to shape up! There's no use being all angsty and depressing haha.

11.28.10
*miss alisha - I may want to hurt myself but like you said, it'll be the WORST punishment if I don't reach my UGW. We WILL succeed.
*struggle2bethin - YOU CAN DO IT!! You have always been incredibly supportive of me and I want to do the same for you :) P.S. I'm following you!! :D
*Isobel - Oooh it would be so much fun if you came here! (Or if I could go there!) Maybe one day hehe~ It would be the perfect date! And believe me, I never get tired of your "epic shit", how could I when it keeps me so motivated?? <3
*Kate - Ah I'm going to keep your words in my head, it's just a little setback!! Nothing I can't overcome!!
*Sottile - GOOD LUCK!! I know what it's like to want that special dress to fit *just* right! Please keep me updated on how you're doing :)

Day 21

So. I'm 3 weeks into my 50 Day Resolution to my UGW. What do I have to show for it?

Something worse than Nothing.

Failure. Fat. Gain.

I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I'm devastated.

I want to bawl my eyes out. I want to scratch my disgusting mouth off my face. I want to pass out and never wake up so that I don't have to even *look* at food ever again.

But no. I must not be weak. I have to prove that I can be perfect, thin, happy.

All of which that I'm not.

It's ok it's ok it's ok.

I can make it I will make it I AM GOING TO BE SKINNY.

I'm really tired. Tired of myself. Tired of being fat. Tired of fucking food.

I weigh more today than I did yesterday. This isn't how things are supposed to go.

I need to be 98 lbs by Monday December 6th in order to be where I need to be by my birthday.

There's hardly any time left. There is no room for error.

Everything will be alright when I'm thin.

It has to.

My dad likes to bake.

Unfortunately, he's very good.

I eat Pecan Pie.

I eat Red Velvet Cake.

I eat Sugar Cookies.

I eat Chocolate Walnut Brownies.

I eat Pumpkin Pie.

I don't even like Pumpkin!

OR Brownies OR Red Velvet!

Sugar Cookies are the lamer version of Chocolate Chip and come on, who thought of Pecan + Pie??

But I don't have the right to be patronizing.

I. Eat. EVERYTHING.

So dad. Please. STOP BRINGING HOME SWEETS!

I can feel my ass expanding just *looking* at all the things you bring home.

When I refuse to eat something you've made, please don't look so hurt. It doesn't mean that I love you any less.

It just means that I'm trying to delay the inevitable part where I *do* gorge myself on your fattening (and oh so delicious) food.

I repeatedly tell you all this.

For some reason you never take me seriously no matter how many times I repeat myself.

The truth is, I should seriously be obese right now.

I swear, the only reason I'm not is because I inherited ridiculously skinny genes from family who were (and are) literally stick thin.

At my age my mom could wrap her hands around her waist.

At my age my dad weighed 130 lbs at 5'10".

My grandmother could model if it wasn't for her age.

My grandfather looks like a rail.

Oh, I forgot to mention that they all still eat whatever and whenever the heck they want.

Oh my God, why can't I do the same damn thing??

Day 20

104.6 lbs. Yeah, I know, I'm a total fatass who should be confined to a solitary room until I stop taking up so much space.

I can't believe how much of a lazy slob I am. I *still* haven't gone to the gym and haven't even gotten a DDR workout in.

I've only eaten one meal today and don't plan on eating again. I am FINALLY going back to my apartment tomorrow and oh, let me tell you, I am going to be relentless in getting back to 99.

There will be no stopping me.

I just need to get a hold of myself until then.

Note to self: Stop fucking eating. IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU HAPPY.

Day 19

I'm fat.

102.8 lbs.

Very very fat.

Ate like a mofo yesterday.

And today.

Played DDR until I couldn't breathe.

Been too cold and too lazy to get to the gym.

FAT.

I want to go "home" so I can starve and starve and starve.

Day 18

OUCH 100.4 lbs. This is bad but I was expecting much worse because of how insanely stupid I was yesterday. I think I should just list it all out.

Mistake #1: My roommate offered me a free taco (from Taco Bell). I like free stuff. I took it. I ATE IT! (although I took out most of the meat because it was disgusting)
Mistake #2: I had a sweet craving like you wouldn't believe. In my failure to satisfy it I had 3 handfuls of cereal, 6 asparagus and about 10 almonds. I ate it all and I still (duh!) was craving something sweet. I'm so dumb.
Mistake #3: There was a Farmer's Market in my area and I walked through it. Free, yummy, organic, FREE samples anyone?? I had about 4 pieces of beets and 1 piece of sweet potato. I'm just glad I didn't find the chocolate stand!
Mistake #4: Me and my roommate changed our dinner plans with our friend to brunch today because we were afraid we were going to be cutting it close to the club. Dinner was canceled so I OBVIOUSLY should have NOT EATEN ANYTHING but no. I go get a slice of pizza. I am unbelievable. There's something wrong with my brain!
Mistake #5: This is stupidest thing I did. After the club I thought I not only wanted something sweet but SALTY too and what do I go and do?? I go to McDonald's, still in my clubbing-wear and buy 3 effing cookies (what is it with me and cookies??) and small fries. I proceed to eat them. Oh btw, I felt sick after eating and now that it's morning I still feel sick. I'm telling you, I get SIGNS about stuff like this but I never freaking listen.

And now the consequences of my actions. I've *almost* gained an entire pound from yesterday, what a joy. The brunch is in like 30 minutes too, I CAN'T DO THIS GUYS! I am already eating way too much in the span of two days and my metabolism CANNOT keep up!

I'm leaving for home later today and my goal for when I get back is to be AT MAXIMUM 105 lbs. It's a freaking high # but I'm doing my best to be realistic here. This way I'll have 5 weeks to lose 10 lbs which is the most I'm sure I can lose. Ugh, I'll hate myself for having to repeat the same shit over but I'm going to have to take my chances.

Ok let's move on. I can see some of my bones sticking out of my body but I have a crazy amount of fat everywhere else, it's MADDENING! When I lie down my hip is way out there and at one time I would have been grossed out but now I'm in love with it <3 I also love how I can see the hollows in my feet and that my knees are so knobbly hahaha.

I'm mad that I can't get my measurements though, a friend who came over broke my tape measure (it was the MyoTape) grrr! I'm dying to know if any of my body parts have shrunk :(

Oh I forgot to mention, the club was crazy fun even though I ended paying around $20 for the night (ugh). I danced for three hours, saw a million people I hadn't seen in ages, gave my # to two guys, and proceeded to make out with one of them lol. I love casual makeout sessions with cute boys ;) And I didn't drink despite several offers of alcohol which is the only not stupid thing I did, hurrah?

Hm, I have also been seriously obsessive about food and weight. I mean, for example, I first weigh myself before I eat anything. Then I have a bite of food. Then I go weigh myself again. If the weight is the same I take another bite. If its higher then I stop eating. I basically follow this process on repeat.

In fact, I got so tired of taking off and putting on my clothes every time I go weigh myself that I pretty much walk around half-naked in my apartment all the time. My roommates joke that I could be a stripper because of this lol! At least it seems that they're much less suspicious of my eating habits now that I've gotten way sneakier about it :)

Btw, I of course used the above tactic when eating that taco so it took me like 6 hours to eat the whole thing but everything else I ate is damn unforgivable!! I'm bringing my super duper awesome scale home with me (even though it's pretty damn big) because I MUST stay accountable while I'm home and I won't allow myself to blame the shitty scale for any weight gain. Nope, not me. 105 MAXIMUMMM!!!

Day 17

99.6 lbs. I'm crying as I'm writing this blog post haha... I just... I can't believe I've made it to the double digit's you know?

Tonight I have dinner plans that I couldn't get out of without looking like a complete asshole. I hate having to choose between friends and *not* eating :/ Sigh well regardless, I'm not sure where we're eating yet but I'm definitely pushing for sushi so I can order sashimi and pick off the rice.

I'm supposed to have 300 but I guess I'll just have to settle for not eating until dinner. I'm kind of pissed that I have to do this on the very last day before I go home. Ugh thinking about home and Thanksgiving and having extended family over is way more stressful than it should be.

The only good thing about today is that we're going clubbing after dinner and you can bet I'm going to be the craziest dancer in the whole joint! Oh and as a reminder to myself: NO ALCOHOL! Dinner is bad enough but I don't need to give myself any additional useless calories.

However *IF* in the case that it absolutely cannot be avoided, I must then drink as much and as fast as I can in order to THROW IT ALL BACK UP. I haven't had alcohol in months, I'm a girl, I'm short and I'm effing 99.6 lbs. I wouldn't be surprised if I'm down and out after 2 shots of vodka. And I know that by the time I vomit most of the calories would have been absorbed already but jeez, if I'm not smart enough to avoid alcohol in the first place then I might as well get plain stupid with it!

Anyway. I finally have the time to reply back to all of your comments yay! I finally handed in all my papers, my assignments have been completed and my Orgo test was yesterday. Actually, I have a book to read by Monday and another project due on Tuesday but let's worry about that until the last minute in true ME STYLE!

11.21.10
Thank you to *VictoriaCrimson, *Kate, *liz, *anna~, *Sottile and *Isobel, you are all so freaking adorable!! I love how you were all getting into Greek Yogurt hahaha. I will definitely be adding that to my shopping cart the next time I get groceries!

11.22.10
*VictoriaCrimson - Haha even though I passed my UGW from September those cookies were totally not conducive to reaching my current UGW! Darn my sweet tooth!
*Lilah Lee - Oh man I love those big ass cookies too, don't worry you're not the only one! And I'm glad *someone* was entertained by my spastic writing XD
*Thin_Envy - Aww we all have days like that, and it really could have been much worse! It's hard for me to stop when I get started so I'm jealous of your self-control!

To *Posie, *Courtney, *liz, *VictoriaCrimson, *Lilah Lee, *K, *miss alisha, *bony bunny, *Sottile and *anna~: Your comments were just as short as my post but they truly mean MORE to me then that one number. I'M IN LOVE WITH ALL OF YOU <3

11.23.10
*VictoriaCrimson - I hate my calves and thighs >< Probably the only acceptable part of my legs are my knees lol!
*Runs Alone - Aw I'm flattered you would say that but I don't think I'm thin enough yet... If you saw me full-front I'm sure you would change your mind haha.
*Minus Human - GAH I have an awful body shape, even though I have problems with my lower body I clearly hold most of my fat on my stomach, arms and huge shoulders! I would gladly switch with you if I could! I used to be tired all the time (I still am) but I think I've learnt to deal with it better? And I don't usually succeed in eating so little, I just happen to be on a very good streak these past few days :) This won't be the case for Thanksgiving though x_x
*liz - I know the picture isn't up anymore but maybe I should have edited it to show the fat bulges... Plus I purposely made the picture as small as possible to make them harder to see but they are definitely there :(
*miss alisha - Thank you for proposing the picture idea to me, it *was* very hard to put it up (and I obviously couldn't even bear to keep it on here for long) but now I feel all the more accountable to do better :) And YAY I'm glad you were able to avoid the clutches of the kitchen hahaha.
*K - LOL sorry about that, maybe if you tell me a time I could re-post it for maybe 15-30 minutes so you could see? But don't worry, there WILL be a 95 one too, I'll make sure of it!
*bonesskinperfection - Thank you! I know you've been having a hard time lately but I'm sure things will get better for you soon <3 Stay well!