I'm back.

It fucking sucks.

I hate this.

102.8 lbs.

102.4 lbs.

103.2 lbs.

104.6 lbs.

Well... This is it.

The End.

It's not the end of my journey to attain a thinner, happier me.

I've simply "outgrown" this blog.

I was incredibly lonely. I wanted to be heard, to be related to and to relate to others. I didn't want to be alone. Above all, I was afraid to be overtaken by my fears, my faults and the imperfections that all seemed to grow day by day.

This blog was my outlet, a place to reveal the thoughts I would never dare to speak out loud to another human being.

But I'm in a different place now. I still want to be 95 lbs so so badly and I still don't have anyone I can voice all my true feelings to.

However, I'm not afraid anymore.

I haven't reached my UGW. In fact, I haven't achieved much in terms of weight loss. Most importantly, I haven't managed to grasp the happiness I keep expecting to pop up around the corner.

I'm ashamed and I'm disappointed but I'm not afraid.

I have never felt more honored than when I had my very first follower to the astonishing 74 of you now.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I'm not sure if I will be deleting this blog, putting it on private or simply leaving it be but I won't be posting here anymore.

Goodbye my loves.

Day 40

Today was pretty confusing.

I spent the day alternating between feeling like the biggest fatass in the world and thinking that I was moderately slim.

I thought the latter when I was able to wear my best friend's super skinny jeans (on her) on top of thick thigh-high socks and still have room to spare.

Then I thought the former when I realized that my thighs were blatantly curved and not straight like I wanted them to be when I wear jeans.

I spent the next three hours that we spent shopping comparing our legs in every reflective surface we passed by and I took those damn jeans off as soon as I got back to my apartment.

It appears I have yet to get over my anxiety about wearing jeans :/

Today was like a kick in the face.

I. Am. So. FAT.

I feel like I've been deluding myself into believing that I'm kind of thin because I've always compared my body to my best friend (who is really skinny even though she weighs more than me...). Wearing all her clothes that are normally very tight on her and having them be loose on me was giving me all this fake confidence.

The truth of the matter is that I am NOWHERE as thin as I need to be.

My arms are so fat that I can barely feel the bone.
My stomach is so fat that it might as well be a second butt.
My ass is so fat that it freaking DROOPS.
My thighs are so fat that... I don't even want to get into it.

Every single part of my body is fat. Fat fat fat fat fat.

Well, I've eaten a heck of a lot of crap the past week but at least this means that I've finally cleaned out my fridge. The only edible things left to eat are:

1) 45 calorie per serving tofu
2) 10 calorie sugar free JELL-O
3) 1 squash (? calories)
4) two large carrots (~35 calories each)
5) "0" calorie pickles.

I'm going home next Wednesday so I'm not planning on grocery shopping. I probably won't be able to resist buying food + snacks in general but I will CONTROL MYSELF by buying only one item at a time. If I want to eat and get fat so damn bad then I'll have to make another trip.

The biggest thing that confirms to me how fat I'm getting is the fact that the gap between my thighs has gotten smaller. It's not gone, but it's definitely shrunk.

FML.